Co-parenting a teenager (LONG)

BeetleLinz1125

So DH and I are trying to do our best with his little sister...she is 15 and moved in with us because she got in a LOT of trouble.  Quick backstory: their mother died two years ago from cancer, she had to move in with her dad and stepmom, who is probably schizophrenic....and they don't get along.  SIL has a little pot problem and was on probation and failed a drug test.  So they wanted to put her on house arrest and in order to do that both FIL and SMIL had to sign away their rights to search the house at any time (also no alcohol, guns, weapons, etc at any time in the house).  Well SMIL wouldn't sign away her rights, so SIL had to either go to juvey or find somewhere else that would let her live there.  So DH and I decided that we would have her come live with us but only if she agreed to our rules.  FIL pretty much doesn't parent - which is why she was allowed to go do anything when she's already expelled from school and on probation.  

So she has only been here a week and I already want to give up.  So she has been going to see her dad (who just lives down the street) because he will let her do pretty much anything.  I understand she wants to see her dad, but its to the point shes using it as an excuse to go do exactly what got her in trouble in the first place.  So she told us yesterday she was going over there so she could have her boyfriend over....and at this point I'm furious. We had to sign our rights over so we could be searched at any time....and that isn't just when she's here, they can do it when she's gone.  I am so angry that I have to live the full time consequences when she doesn't abide by our rules full time.  Its disappointing because I know that FIL loves her and that she needs rules, structure, and goals....but if she only has to follow those rules here, its not going to work. 

So does anyone have any advice for us on co-parenting?  We are going to try and have a good Christmas (I don't want her spending the holiday in jail.  So I'm going to do what we have to in order to get through it) and Monday I want to talk to FIL and DH about how we can be more of a united parenting team.  I don't know how successful we will be because I don't think FIL can stick to the rules that we have set....which is why she's with us in the first place!  I feel so bad for wanting to give her to her probation officer, but I cant part time parent this kid.

She's in really serious trouble...she's not with us because she was good!  So why should she get to do whatever she wants?  Am I wrong here?  Any thoughts, advice, tips, criticism is appreciated...I just want to do this right.  I am giving up a lot for her to be here, and if it's not something that we can all agree to then I don't want to do it.  I love her, and I know that she's been given the short end of the stick so much in life, I want to do this to help her in the long run.  But not at the point that its going to make me and my family miserable.  I miss my beer lol. (Funny how I can't have the one thing in the house that would help me deal with this kid lol.)

goillini823

I've never been in a situation quite like yours, but something somewhat similar. 2 years ago DH 15 year old cousin got into a ton of trouble (pot,gangs, witness to a gang crime etc). Dh and I agreed to take her in for what was originally a week while her mom figured out what she was going to do with her. Kid ended up on my couch for 3 months. I put her to work, and made her do stuff around the house etc. 

I wanted to see this child get her life together, and become something. Living under our roof became way to stressful on my marriage though. We just didn't have the room, and I felt her mom just got off easy.

She ended up in a group home, and is doing extremely well. She hated it at first, and cursed us all, but now she is glad that's where she's at.

There is obviously way more to my story, but I just want to tell you that if you can't get FIL to co parent appropriately, you may want to consider what is in the best interest of YOUR family. You have your own DD to look out after. It's not easy to try and parent a troubled teen, much less one that isn't yours. You don't have to give up on her, but maybe having her in your home isn't in the best interest of everybody involved.  

Rebekah1021

I know this is easier said than done, but can you make her earn everything. She wants to talk on the phone, maker her do the dishes.

The whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster. I hope you figure something out STAT 

BeetleLinz1125

goillini823:

I've never been in a situation quite like yours, but something somewhat similar. 2 years ago DH 15 year old cousin got into a ton of trouble (pot,gangs, witness to a gang crime etc). Dh and I agreed to take her in for what was originally a week while her mom figured out what she was going to do with her. Kid ended up on my couch for 3 months. I put her to work, and made her do stuff around the house etc. 

I wanted to see this child get her life together, and become something. Living under our roof became way to stressful on my marriage though. We just didn't have the room, and I felt her mom just got off easy.

She ended up in a group home, and is doing extremely well. She hated it at first, and cursed us all, but now she is glad that's where she's at.

There is obviously way more to my story, but I just want to tell you that if you can't get FIL to co parent appropriately, you may want to consider what is in the best interest of YOUR family. You have your own DD to look out after. It's not easy to try and parent a troubled teen, much less one that isn't yours. You don't have to give up on her, but maybe having her in your home isn't in the best interest of everybody involved.  

Thank you for sharing your story!  I agree with the bolded part, and that's where I'm struggling.  I feel like to give her a fair shot at this we all have to come together.  I will just give her a nice holiday and have a long talk with her father on Monday.  Hopefully we can all agree to make it work.  I really want it to.  But I am not going to sacrifice my family for her when she obviously does not appreciate all that we are doing for her. 

BeetleLinz1125

Rebekah1021:

I know this is easier said than done, but can you make her earn everything. She wants to talk on the phone, maker her do the dishes.

The whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster. I hope you figure something out STAT 

Yeah that's what we had originally planned...the first night she was hear we wrote down her responsibilities, privileges, goals, and rewards.  That lasted 3 days because she would just go down to her dads to do everything we wouldn't let her.  It pretty much is a disaster...which is why I'm so sad, I really wanted to do something in her best interest, but apparently DH and I are the only ones who want that. 

Littlejen22

I have to run out and cannot post until late tonight but I have been in a similar situation with my SD who is now 22.  My biggest advice is to make your rules, type them up and hand it to her, make her read and sign them.  The bottom of the rules is if she does not follow these rules she is out of your house and it is reported to her probation officer, you can have rules that have a warning if you want also but there are certain rules with no warning and they include all things that violate her probation.  Make it 100% clear that you are not allowing her to break the law and your neck is on the line here.  There is a chance that she will not sign the rules, I would give her 24 hours maximum to agree or call the probation officer.  She will not learn if you allow her to do whatever she wants.  It is sad but tough love is the only way she will have a chance of learning.

BeetleLinz1125

fredalina:

Littlejen22:

I have to run out and cannot post until late tonight but I have been in a similar situation with my SD who is now 22.  My biggest advice is to make your rules, type them up and hand it to her, make her read and sign them.  The bottom of the rules is if she does not follow these rules she is out of your house and it is reported to her probation officer, you can have rules that have a warning if you want also but there are certain rules with no warning and they include all things that violate her probation.  Make it 100% clear that you are not allowing her to break the law and your neck is on the line here.  There is a chance that she will not sign the rules, I would give her 24 hours maximum to agree or call the probation officer.  She will not learn if you allow her to do whatever she wants.  It is sad but tough love is the only way she will have a chance of learning.

I agree with the rules and contract, and one big rule would be that all visits (with anyone) must happen in your home or be supervised by you or H. If she runs off to daddy's house to get away with crap, the authorities are called, period. Poor kid; she obviously lost the only parent who really cares about her. 

I like the idea of a contract. I will discuss it with DH and see what he thinks. I'm to the point where if her dad cannot agree to enforce the rules (which 90%are actually probation stipulations) she will have to leave. This needs to be a team effort and if we aren't a team this will not work. I'm not going to risk everything for someone who doesn't care.

Littlejen22

BeetleLinz1125:

fredalina:

Littlejen22:

I have to run out and cannot post until late tonight but I have been in a similar situation with my SD who is now 22.  My biggest advice is to make your rules, type them up and hand it to her, make her read and sign them.  The bottom of the rules is if she does not follow these rules she is out of your house and it is reported to her probation officer, you can have rules that have a warning if you want also but there are certain rules with no warning and they include all things that violate her probation.  Make it 100% clear that you are not allowing her to break the law and your neck is on the line here.  There is a chance that she will not sign the rules, I would give her 24 hours maximum to agree or call the probation officer.  She will not learn if you allow her to do whatever she wants.  It is sad but tough love is the only way she will have a chance of learning.

I agree with the rules and contract, and one big rule would be that all visits (with anyone) must happen in your home or be supervised by you or H. If she runs off to daddy's house to get away with crap, the authorities are called, period. Poor kid; she obviously lost the only parent who really cares about her. 

I like the idea of a contract. I will discuss it with DH and see what he thinks. I'm to the point where if her dad cannot agree to enforce the rules (which 90%are actually probation stipulations) she will have to leave. This needs to be a team effort and if we aren't a team this will not work. I'm not going to risk everything for someone who doesn't care.

The other consideration is that you write up a contract for you, DH, her father and her to sign...you and DH sign it and go talk to the Dad, if he does not agree then she is not allows to go there and the contract changes to add that.  I am not sure if you are willing to do this without her father but if you are then you can try that although she is unlikely to agree but if she sees that you are 100% together with DH on this and will not budge she will either agree or leave, it will be hard but it is better than what is happening now.

FWIW we told my SD that when she graduated HS (it was a huge struggle the last few months to get her there) that she either agree to our very simple rules which are all laws in every state or move out, she would not agree and we sent her to her Moms across the country, her Mom sent her back to our state 13 days later but we never let her move back in.  There is no way I could have an adult living in our home, especially with little kids, and breaking numerous laws and unwilling to even say she would stop.  It was/is hard but it had to happen.