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I'm sad for DH (long IL vent)
Things haven't been good between us and my inlaws for a few months now. There was a blow-up, of sorts, and communication needs to take place for us to get back good. But my inlaws, well, they're not big talkers. So here we sit with nothing having changed.
Anyways, that's not my point. My point is DH and and I decided to put it aside (act like nothing happened, which is their preferred way of "dealing" with things), and have a good old fashioned Christmas. He misses his family (even though he's upset with them), and that makes me sad for him.
One of their big problems with us is that they feel like they don't see us enough and, when they do, it's only for a short period at a time because we leave for DS's nap or bedtime. We are not rigid about schedules. We're definitely willing to stretch it and make exceptions for special occasions.
But when it's just some random Sunday or whatever and my kid starts acting rotten because he is a child who needs his sleep - yes, I'm taking him home. He gets miserable, and it makes me sad for him to see him so upset when there's a way to help him. The alternative, which we suggest quite regularly, would be for them to come to our house so we could put him down when he asks for a nap and still visit, but they won't do that (they don't want to leave the dog). (They live 20 minutes away, fyi.)
They just have no consideration for any needs of a toddler and baby at all. They don't understand why we don't prefer to always come to lunch at 2:00 or dinner at 7:00 - which are the times that work best for SIL/BIL and their 2 teenage children. I don't expect them to stop the world for us, but when we're dealing with the insanity that we are blessed to deal with, it'd be nice to once in a while (not every time!) get a, "What works best for you guys?!" I just think it makes sense to sometimes want to set things up to be as enjoyable as possible (i.e. kids awake and in good moods) - maybe my kids are high maintenance (I think they're just 21 and 8 months old, but this is how my ILs make me feel like), but I do my best by them (my kids).
So MIL calls DH to ask what time we're coming over for Christmas (we always do "Christmas morning" with them on the 26th). DH suggests 9:00, or even 8:30 - so that we have as much time together as possible and then leave after lunch/ when DS gets sleepy.
MIL says no - let's do 10:00.
Why? So that her 15 year old and 18 year old grandsons, who will also be there (along with BIL and SIL) can sleep in.
I know it's just an hour. I know it's not that big of a deal. And I feel stupid and petty even writing this.
But to DH it feels like a slap in the face.
By the time the teenagers roll in, DD will be asleep, DS will be melting down for lunch, etc., etc. . .
Yes, it's Christmas and we can try to power through and the kids might surprise us! (I hope they do!), but there's also a good chance not.
He/ we just feel like we held out a tiny little bit of an olive branch (prior to this we hadn't spoken in months) - and now there's a very good possibility that the day will end with some snide remark about the brevity of our time together as we're walking out the door with a hysterical toddler.
(And, fwiw, before anyone suggests it - it is World War III to try to get him to nap away from home (other than daycare) - as in 20 minutes of make-your-ears-bleed screaming - and especially if there are people around as he wants to be a part of the action. We don't feel that it's worth it when we live so close.)
No flames, please. I'm sure this comes across wrong, especially without being even more long-winded and trying to share the complete backstore.
I'll DD soon, I just had to "tell" someone. (I usually go to my mom or sister with things but I don't discuss my ILs (negatively) with them.) I try to avoid too much venting on here, too, honestly - but, like I said, I just thought it'd help to get it out
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm sad for DH (long IL vent)
That sucks. Makes me very thankful for my accommodating family who is wants to make plans around my kids to make life as easy as possible for us. I really wish everyone got that kind of courtesy.
I'm sorry for your DH and hope that yall still have a nice Christmas with them!
Don't feel like you need to DD. It sucks to feel like your family can't make any concessions or compromises for you. It makes you feel like you're not important enough for them to make accommodations - I get that and it's a horrible feeling.
Would your husband be able to tell them your concerns with the 10:00 timing? Maybe he could go about it in a lighthearted way - ie "mom, they may be teenagers, but they'll still get their butts out of bed for christmas presents."
Ugh! Nicholas is like your DS and will not ever nap away from home, so I don't even attempt it. And he also likes to be part of the action.
I think 8:30/9:00 is a reasonable time for you guys to head over there. If MIL doesn't like it, then too bad. I think the teenagers can sleep in another morning, they are off from school for a week or 2 after all.
and now there's a very good possibility that the day will end with some snide remark about the brevity of our time together as we're walking out the door with a hysterical toddler.
I'd beat them to the punch. When his mom said "10:00", I feel your DH should say (nicely, no need to be snide) "Well, mom, just keep in mind that the earlier we come, the more time we can spend with you, which IS an issue for you. 10 is fine for us, but it will mean that we can't spend as much time w/ you".
And I would do this every time they make plans that put you all in this same position.
ETA: OR, if they make a snide remark, respond with "Well, this is why we suggested 8:30 or 9".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
How about if you guys start your Christmas at 9 and the bigger kids can roll in when they want to?
My parents are very accommodating to Jacob's napping, but that's also because they have 2 other young grandchildren. My ILs - not so much on caring about a rested, happy baby. (But they are happy to comment when he's cranky and crying from being overtired.)
I hope you're able to enjoy your Christmas as much as possible.
Oh honey, I'm sorry. I completely understand why you're upset and don't think you are being rigid or unreasonable at all. I think it is more important to accommodate the needs of an infant and toddler than two teenagers -- at least SOME of the time. If it were me, I would offer to host the breakfast at my house if it needed to be at ten. If no one was willing, well...then we would just have to miss out this year.
(((HUGS))) Families are frustrating.
I like this.
we also have in-law drama that they prefer to pretend doesn't exist/never happened. it's rough around the holidays. i say, just go at their preferred time and when your son starts to lose it, go home. if you are there for 1 hour, that is their fault for choosing to accommodate the teenagers.
i also feel sad for my husband. he is constantly disappointed by his family and then has to bear the burden of them saying they are disappointed in him.
No flames here - just complete and total understanding! My hubby's family is the same way, and he's an only child. So, they're not even trying to accommodate multiple schedules, only theirs, which I think is ridiculous! Our saving grace is that his family lives far away, so we don't see them much (their choice).
There's no easy way around difficult in-laws. At least your get together isn't until the 26th, so hopefully you can have a peaceful Christmas day. If it's a disaster, I say it might be time for a major discussion.
I'm sorry that is frustrating. I don't think you're wrong. Why are they so willing to accommodate the teenagers and not the babies? And if they really wanted to spend more time together they'd make it happen.
I feel sorry for my DH b/c his mom isn't around by her choice and when he was on his death bed in the hospital he asked me why she wouldn't want to come and see him or at least call
. It's hard when their family hurts their feelings.
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I don't think you're out of line at all. You know your kids and seriously if they live 20 minutes away they need to shut the hell up. That's insane. If they never, or even rarely, come to your house to see you then the issue is one-sided. They need to step up and make an effort if your DH is important to them. If not, then it's really sad, but he needs to try to make them less important to him too.
My MIL was like this for a long time. She would put my SIL first ahead of everyone/everything. What worked for her was what would happen no matter the consequences. Well, she missed Miles' birth because of it and didn't see him until he was a week old. Soooooo...that gave her a reality check. It was AWFUL for my DH, but in the end it did make things better.
I have no advice...only that I get where you're coming from and I'm sorry your DH is handling this at Christmas. Good for you for trying and shame on them for being sh!tty parents. ((hugs to you and DH))
Haha. Sorry! This was me...accidentally logged in as my alter-ego. ;-)
Thanks, ladies, I so appreciate your words. The instant "issue" is obviously small, but I guess it's obvious that there's a lot of hurt behind it.
Mostly, I appreciate you telling me I'm not completely crazy!! They (my inlaws) do their best to tell us otherwise (that it's all my fault) . . . since it's DH's family, I know I need to be supportive of him and not make it all about me - but I get weary of my position in this whole mess, too and I really appreciate your support. (eta: DH is beyond supportive of me, he just hurts more so I try to take the backseat.)
I like your suggestions and have passed them on to DH! I need to let him decide what, if anything, he wants to do, I think. . .
IMO, they can't complain about not seeing you/the grandkids but when you offer to make it happen tell you the time that works best for you doesn't work for them.
It's always been an unspoken rule in our families that when the kids are little you go by their schedules. My SIL and BIL would show up hours after everyone else had gotten together because the kids were napping. Sure, there were moans and groans from everyone else about how little time they got to spend with the kids, but that's life. You have to do what works best for you guys.
I'd have your husband tell his mom that you'd be happy to get together at 8:30/9 and the teens can come when they're up. If that doesn't work for them then explain from the outset that 10am = leaving earlier = less time for them to spend with the kids. Period.
Because really, who wants to hang out with an unhappy toddler? Not me. I'd much rather get together when everyone is in a good mood. Do your ILs think he'll be a happy camper on their schedule? Sheesh.
((HUGS))
I have the same exact issue with my ILs and am weary of it too. The only difference is that mine live 350 miles away and our visits are crazy short because one party is always at a hotel. They refuse to accomodate our schedule and thus spend very little time with DS when he's awake and happy. And they place 90% of hte blame on me even when I explain in advance what his/our schedule is. We didn't have a stellar relationship prior to having a baby and having a baby made it worse. I feel so badly for my Dh because he'd spent his whole life bending over backwards for them and would continue to do it (to the detriment of himself, me, our child) but I won't allow it. As a result, he's seen how little they will bend for him and it makes him feel awful.
You aren't alone.