Getting tired of "acting."

Carolee

Does anyone else feel like they're putting on a show for others?  I feel like I try to act like things are ok when I'm around people, but of course they're not.  I also feel like if I don't put on the act, no one will want to be around me.  I'm tired of acting.  I'm sad and angry and I don't want to pretend that I'm not.  I still can't believe this is really my life.

dandywarhol

{{hugs}}

Be gentle with yourself. I understand what you're saying.  Sometimes it feels like I'm under a microscope and everything I do is being judge/weighed.  Am I acting too normal?  Too sad?  Not sad enough?  

If you don't feel like acting, and those people don't want you around, then do you really want to be around them? I think the world needs to be more understanding and sympathetic for all grief, sorrow, difficulty.  Maybe by not acting we can help to educate people that when your child dies you are often angry and sad, and that's ok.  

ellajune2012

Disclaimer: I'm very new to this board - this is my first post and I just came here to look around because I found out yesterday that my pregnancy is not progressing and in the beginning stages of miscarriage. So I'm very new to the emotions as well.

But I did go through a serious bout of depression in college, and I just want to say that what made it 10000x worse and also I believe prolonged it for much longer than it would have gone on, was the fact that I continued to pretend to be fine and okay throughout it all for the very same reasons you mentioned ... I didn't think people would want to be around me otherwise, and/or I didn't want their pity. Please, please, please find SOMEONE to talk it out with, to not 'act' around, whether it's a friend, partner, professional counselor or whatever. It really does help a lot. I think it's fine to act 'fine' around the world at large, but there should be at least a safe space for you to work out your feelings with... online is great, but I'm not sure it's enough (at least for me).

*big hug*  I know we're strangers but honestly I would not wish these feelings on anyone. I know you'll pull through it but it will be a lot less painful if you can find someone to share it with.

starrkitten89

I feel like this alot.I feel like everything I do and say is judged,whether I am acting too normal,too sad,too happy,whatever.I feel like everyone is always watching me.It sucks.(((Hugs)))

Petunia844

Yes, especially with the holidays coming up.  I feel like the rest of my family lost Peyton too, my parents lost a grandchild, my siblings lost a nephew... I don't want them to feel like they lost me too.  Maybe it's all those mothering instincts that have kicked in, and since I don't have my baby to take care of I want to take care of everyone else. 

roxyttandme

(((hugs)))

I totally get what you are say and I am so sorry.  

If you ever need a break from acting - you are safe with me. Maybe we can get together some time? I think we are about 25 mins away....  I am always done for a wine and whine night...

mdluv21

Every single day.  I am angry my babies died and I am angry other can get pregnant and I am tired.

johnnys june

Confession:  And please don't flame....*rainbow baby mentioned*

 Yes.  I feel this way.  Alot more than I let on.  Especially now that I am pregnant.  I will do ANYTHING -- absolutely ANYTHING-- to keep this baby warm, safe, and sound in my arms and for years to come...but....***CONFESSION*** I find myself so angry, confused, and bitter that this pregnancy has to be so hard after losing Logan.  Does that make sense?  I haven't confessed this to anyone out loud because I feel like it makes me a terrible mom.  Truthfully though, the baby I carry now and my anger over the way my life is now due to my loss are completely separate.

*hugs*  I'm sorry, Carolee. 

Carolee

roxyttandme:

(((hugs)))

I totally get what you are say and I am so sorry.  

If you ever need a break from acting - you are safe with me. Maybe we can get together some time? I think we are about 25 mins away....  I am always done for a wine and whine night...

Let's do it!

Carolee

johnnys june:

Confession:  And please don't flame....*rainbow baby mentioned*

 Yes.  I feel this way.  Alot more than I let on.  Especially now that I am pregnant.  I will do ANYTHING -- absolutely ANYTHING-- to keep this baby warm, safe, and sound in my arms and for years to come...but....***CONFESSION*** I find myself so angry, confused, and bitter that this pregnancy has to be so hard after losing Logan.  Does that make sense?  I haven't confessed this to anyone out loud because I feel like it makes me a terrible mom.  Truthfully though, the baby I carry now and my anger over the way my life is now due to my loss are completely separate.

*hugs*  I'm sorry, Carolee. 

I wouldn't think anyone would flame you for this.  It makes perfect sense, and it does not make you a terrible mom.  We've all been through so much.

cookie_queen

mdluv21:

Every single day.  I am angry my babies died and I am angry other can get pregnant and I am tired.

This perfectly describes my feelings.

It sucks.

karebear57

Exactly! Even when i was in the hospital and my parents were out for my sis's wedding they came to see me when this was all going on and all i could do was crack jokes when all i wanted to do was evaporate into my bed. And i still joke around just to make ppl comfortable. Or so my parents don't worry about me. My stepma said she had a loss later in pregnancy that would be as old as me now but she didn't say anything else about it. I would love to talk to her about it but maybe her hurt scabbed over and i wouldn't want to pick at it and make her sad all over again. But yea i am soo sick of making jokes and putting on a totally fake smile for everyone, but then u wonder if they see it's all fake and maybe your losing your mind...

sandykins

So tired of it. I've become a huge car cryer. I cry when I am alone in the car then pre

drvst8

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I have to put an act on for everyone else. When deep down i'm just sad and angry. I'm not even sure why I do it. Whether its for me or for everyone else. And I wonder how long I can keep the act up?

butterfly843

I feel this way often. I put on a happy face at work and at family parties, but then cry when I'm home alone or in the shower.

BeccaMarie

I feel like this constantly. And it is so exhausting that after work I usually cry all the way from work to daycare. (my commute is the only time I am ever alone)

weddedwife

starrkitten89:

I feel like this alot.I feel like everything I do and say is judged,whether I am acting too normal,too sad,too happy,whatever.I feel like everyone is always watching me.It sucks.(((Hugs)))

I feel just like this.

frogs007

butterfly843:

I feel this way often. I put on a happy face at work and at family parties, but then cry when I'm home alone or in the shower.

 

ditto.  my tub has received a lot of my tears.  I feel like if I cry in front of others I will become exhausting to them. 

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