I feel like a horrible mom for even having the following thoughts: this deployment would be easier to deal with if I weren't a parent and if I'd found out *before* we got pregnant that DH was going to deploy, LO probably woudn't exist. I love my son with all of my being, but there are many mornings when I wake up with him for the 2nd or 3rd time that night, the "damn it, I didn't sign up for this crap!" thought flashes through my head and then I feel horrible for even thinking it. I wouldn't trade LO for anything, or go back and redo anything given the chance, but I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I know the deployment is hard on DH because he's missing all of LO's firsts... but I don't think he realizes how difficult it is dealing with 3 and a half months of no more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep at night and knowing that there are at least 5 more months of that, unless heaven forbid the tour should be extended.
There are many nights/mornings when I just have to walk away from LO for a few minutes to collect myself - even if he's screaming his head off - else I feel I may end up hurting him. I know that I never would intentionally, but I'm always afraid that I will get frustrated to the point of being rougher with him than I should. Then I feel like a horrible mother for getting frustrated with him.
Anyone else feel this way? Any advice on how to deal with these feelings?
ETA: DH is Army National Guard, so we live in the middle of nowhere and the only other military wife I know locally is my MIL who has a less than positive opinion of the military after FIL was in the Guard for 26 years. The only positive support I have is FIL, but he only knows the deployment from the soldier's side, not the spouse's. It's helpful for seeing things from DH's side, but not very helpful for finding solutions to my frustrations.
Voted "Mom of the Year" 2012 Sweetpea Mom Awards