On one hand, I want another baby because I have so much love in my heart to include another. I also want a second chance, if that makes sense. I feel like I was robbed of the "perfect" pregnancy and "perfect" child beginning at 18 weeks of pregnancy when we first got our bad news about DD. I feel horrible saying this but I want a chance to look at my newborn and bask in the glory of her or his perfect health. I want to be able to go to a doctor's appointment and not have an "issue". I want to be able to joke with my DH about when our DC learns to drive a car, goes to college and starts dating and know that those dreams will actually be a reality. And then I feel really horrible saying this- but I want another DC because I worry about who will take care of DD when my DH and I are gone.
But I am so afraid of having another SNC. I feel like pregnancy is such a crapshoot. I could do everything right (and I did with DD) and still end up having a SNC. At this point our only options are using an egg donor, sperm donor or adopting. And then if I do get pregnant, will I even be able to enjoy the pregnancy or will I be constantly worried?
I don't know. DD is 6 months old today and while we probably won't have another DC for 2-3 years I find myself thinking about it constantly- like I already need to have a plan in place. Though I've learned from experience that all the planning in the world doesn't necessarily mean a positive outcome. So why can't I let this go?
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