HUGE day yesterday!

Petunia844

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday... MH and I ended up being gone all day.  Most of it ended up being spent at my sister's house.  My sister had her 3rd baby just a few months ago, I was there for her delivery while I was pregnant with Peyton.  Needless say that's been hard.  Yesterday, we spent about 6 hours at her house while MH helped BIL build a big playset for their kids.... in that time I held the baby TWICE!  I didn't cry, I was really proud of myself for holding her and it made me happy that I could. She's my niece, she was even given my middle name because my sister and I are so close and it broke my heart that she made me sad.  She still does of course, and in the car on the way home I cried because I saw her beautiful kids living and laughing and I saw her baby smiling and it kills me I will never get to see Peyton do those things.  But while I was there, I mostly enjoyed myself.  It made me feel a little more like me.

Then last night, I had a very vivid dream where I was in labor with my rainbow.  In the dream it was my rainbow and I knew Peyton had died, I think that made it more realistic.  I can only hope that dream will actually come true.  

caitriona87

You are a good sister & aunt. I *still* haven't held a baby. It makes sense that it would all be bittersweet.

I do remember my first good dream like that after weeks and weeks of nightmares...such blessed relief. I hope it gives you some hope & comfort.  

krysiahamaty

Big hugs. I hope your dream comes true soon.

pottermommy

You should be so proud of yourself!!!  I am happy you were able to hold your neice.  I still haven't held a baby since Kam died....

FWIW I dreamed about getting my rainbow before the day before DH convinced me to test.  Kam was in the dream and she told me it was ok to love him.  I fully believe in dreams. 

 

Petunia844

pottermommy:

You should be so proud of yourself!!!  I am happy you were able to hold your neice.  I still haven't held a baby since Kam died....

FWIW I dreamed about getting my rainbow before the day before DH convinced me to test.  Kam was in the dream and she told me it was ok to love him.  I fully believe in dreams. 

 

 Love this, thank you.

johnnys june

This is a huge step.  It took me nearly a year before I could look at or hold a baby.  

I agree with pottermommy...I fully believe in dreams too...I believe in signs too.  On the day I tested (long story, but I thought it was valid false positive and couldn't retest until after work 8 1/2 hours later), I kept seeing "28" on the clock -- Logan's birthday is 10:28.  And on the way to work I heard "God Bless The Broken Road" on the radio -- DH and mine 1st dance and the song that I sang to Logan before he died in my arms.  I NEVER hear that song anymore.  I felt like Logan was telling me it was ok.

*huge hugs*  You will get your rainbow baby, Lovey!  

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Cercamom2011

This is a huge step!!  My niece was also born shortly after my daughter passed, and it was tough to hold it together.  I'm very proud of you for doing something so difficult emotionally