April 2012 Moms
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Well *that* was akward... MIL related.

So remember the post I made a week or so ago, saying DH sat down with his mom to "discuss" issues. More like, DH just laid everything out for her kinda bluntly. When DH reiterated to me what he said, I said, "OMG, that sounds like its all from ME!"

Well sure enough, I get a call this morning that MIL wants to chat. She wants to come over. Unfortounately it's not a good time of year for me. I'm out every morning and afternoon, and work nights, helping with school, and other errands. So I told her we could just chat while I was on the phone, or it would have to wait (I was in the middle of faxing stuff when she called).

So she started talking. When she talks, admittedly it sounds like a scene from Charlie Brown, "Waah, wa, waaaht" No lie. She prettty much put all blame back into my court. Denied everything. Had an excuse. It was sad. Then she said, "I just want to have a loving relationship with you." Ok. I stopped her. I also wanted that. I explained to her it's been 10 years of the same stuff. I'm a nice person and I usually let things slide off my back, but it's been TEN years of her comments, and total lack of filter. And I added that I have told her before about watching more carefully what comes out of her mouth. Then I mentioned how her lack of relationship with my two SIL's is under the SAME circumstances. Because she doesn't watch what she says. ZERO sensor. None. She tried to understand, and said, well you need to come to me. I explained that when I did, it turned sour. So I relied on DH to do it, I said you're his mom. If Dh has an issue with my mom, I usually will say something (But DH and my mom are very close, so he usually is just bold enough to say it himself, they talk, and all is fine.).

I told her it's a very sad situation, and then suggested that she coems over and talks to DH and I *together*. Because alot of what DH said is coming FROM him. She just doesn't want to believe it. Things like she doesn't come visit the kids, is too busy on Facebook. That's all him. For some reason she thinks that's me? I told her, YOUR son wants you to be a bigger part of our sons life. And you won't. That's HIM, not me.

Such an akward conversation. She ended with wanting to know if we are "ok". I said, you're my husband's mother, you are the grandmother to our sons. I love your son more than the world, and have no intentions of ever leaving him. So we have to be okay. But then reiterated about her lack of filter... and suggested just thinking more carefully about what comes out. Left her with an example, of 4 years ago when pg with my DS2, I told her the name I had chosen for a girl. Her first response, "Well that's a mouthful." She said she didn't remember, and I figured as much. But I said, that's why H and I aren't sharing names with you. We don't want anyone's opinion. But you always want to throw it at us. Maybe you think your'e making conversation, but all you're doing is hurting feelings/offending people.

Hmph. Christmas should be nice and akward.

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac

Re: Well *that* was akward... MIL related.

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    imageBrittP10:
    I have no advice, because I seriously have the best MIL in the world, but I'm sorry :( Hopefully she will realize that you are not the big bad witch forcing your husband to say something and it will all blow over by Christmas!!

    I had the best FIL in the world. I loved him. He was awesome. Probably because he was my DH's twin, so they are one in the same almost. Without him, MIL has just gotten difficult. I wish I had an awesome MIL. My friends all have MILs that go shopping with them, go to lunch, etc. My mom and DH have an awesome relationship. As do my dad and DH. They go out on their own sometimes, which I LOVE. To have a strained relationship is hard. My mom has a very strained relationship with her MIL. It's sad.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
    DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
    DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
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    imageBrittP10:

    I bet it is hard. I can't imagine not being close with my mother in law.  Did your FIL pass away? Maybe that is what is causing your MIL to be difficult. I know my grandmother-in-law got extreamly difficult after her husband passed away. She does not like to be around anyone and claims that she hates holidays, that her kids are pushing her away, that the spouses are to blame, etc.

    Yes. And it was unexpected. He was diagnosed with Leukemia in December 2004 and was gone by May 2005. DH and I got married October 2005. DS1 was born July 2006. Pretty much since I got married/pg, it's been going downhill. I used to think my SIL was nuts with what she said about MIL, and would get angry at SIL. Now SIL and I are like BFFs because i'm finally getting it.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
    DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
    DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
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    I'm sorry you have to deal with this! My MIL is ok just overbearing and everything has to go "her" way. My husband's stepdad is a different story- total arse! I seriously cannot stand him. 

    My husband was having some issues a few months ago (drinking more than he should). I was concerned to a point I called his mom. Well his mom came down and went up to talk to my super hung-over husband and the arse-hole  (FIL) got up in my face and called me a nagging biznatch as he was turning bloody red in the face. Also told me I'm a hypochondriac (which I can be at times because of my history). He also hardly knows me and is basically using information from my MIL when I was scared earlier in pregnancy when I went through my lung collapse. I don't talk to them a ton and I know my husband doesn't share info with them. 

    Another time he screamed at my husband's cousins kids for laughing and playing too loud. He's basically a complete ass0)hat.

    My MIL will be watching our twins once a week and she will come here "not to bother him". I'm glad my parents are normal!! 

    Oct1201212 Twins born at 34w2d, Allison, 3lb,4oz-Ethan, 4lb7oz, both 16 1/2 inches. Out of Difficulties Grow Miracles BestBuddiesBoy AprilPosseMultiLilypie Premature Baby tickers
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    imagesnoangel79:

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this! My MIL is ok just overbearing and everything has to go "her" way. My husband's stepdad is a different story- total arse! I seriously cannot stand him. 

    My husband was having some issues a few months ago (drinking more than he should). I was concerned to a point I called his mom. Well his mom came down and went up to talk to my super hung-over husband and the arse-hole  (FIL) got up in my face and called me a nagging biznatch as he was turning bloody red in the face. Also told me I'm a hypochondriac (which I can be at times because of my history). He also hardly knows me and is basically using information from my MIL when I was scared earlier in pregnancy when I went through my lung collapse. I don't talk to them a ton and I know my husband doesn't share info with them. 

    Another time he screamed at my husband's cousins kids for laughing and playing too loud. He's basically a complete ass0)hat.

    My MIL will be watching our twins once a week and she will come here "not to bother him". I'm glad my parents are normal!! 

    I'm wondering if the asshat is related to my aunt's husband. My parents had a party a few years ago for aunt/her new husband for their recent wedding. He was "playing" with his nephew who was 6ish maybe? I guess nephew got a little hyper and did something aunts husband didn't like. So aunts husband reacted and did something to little kid (it was a few years back so Ic an't fully remember, maybe slapped, hit, threw him??). Cops were called. It was fabulous. *rolleyes* I despise that man. And my aunt (mom's sis) has become an asshat too. Gotta love family! LOL. Thankfully they live far away, so we dont' see them anymore :) YAY!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
    DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
    DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
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    Oh boy, what can I say... MILs are always tough, even when they don't mean to be.  After freaking out about everything my MIL said over T-giving break, I realized that if I heard it from my mom, I would just tell her to "shut-up, this is my kid" and I would get over it.  Unfortunately, I couldn't do that with my MIL, because I obviously don't have the same type of relationship where I can be blunt and honest, and so the comments stick and hurt.  DH does what he can when he notices that I am unnerved, but he doesn't know every time, and sometimes I feel like it is just as much my insecurities as it is her comments. 

     Bottom line, I agree that it is on DH to be the peace-maker and set the perameters for what is acceptable on all accounts.  I would chose your battles so it doesn't sound like you are always complaining about his mom, and DH needs to learn how to tell his mom how it is without putting it all on you.  My DH definitely has a problem with it, too, and I always feel he wants to throw-up his hands and say, "you two girls duke it out".

     I think it is a good idea to keep things from her that you don't want her opinion on.  I am doing the same thing with the names we are working on for our baby girl.  We made the mistake of telling her our first choice, and although she didn't say she didn't like it, she didn't say she liked it either.  We have thought of some other possible choices, but I know the minute she hears one she likes, she will start calling my belly that name which will make me feel weird if I don't chose the name after all. 

    My biggest issue is that when she comes to my house she wants to do things the way she does them at her house, so she will buy things like sponges if we don't have them for her to use, and then inquire why we don't use them already.  I mean, it wouldn't be bad if she were only here on occasion, but like many of you have said -- her boyfriend broke-up with her, so now all she wants to do is come and visit us.  and she talks about how she is going to move nearby once she retires.  I figure if we don't set things up now for what we want, it will be a scary ride later. 

     

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