So, a WWYD?

justEK

I get home today and there are two cards, one for each of the kids. They are from my step dad who has cut off all contact with me since he remarried. 

I've tried writing emails and leaving messages to meet up or have them over for the kids. Nothing. Not one single response since July.

My initial reaction was to put return to sender on the cards. My husband's initial reaction was to give them to the kids because he is their grandfather.

The kids JUST finally stopped asking why he won't come around anymore. Why he didn't want to come to their birthday parties. I feel like if I give them the cards, I will have to reexplain every holiday why he chooses not to see them.

If I send them back, it's a clear message that since he's moved on, so have we. 

And since I am pmsing, I will hang on to the cards for a few days.  

DandelionMom

I'd screen the cards first and if they were harmless, I'd give them to the kids. 

ETA: and FWIW, we've managed to keep a decent but very distant relationship with DDs' grandparents.  We check letters and cards before giving them to the kids and monitor the few phone calls and visits they have and it works for us.  When the kids ask why we don't see them more we just say everyone is so busy. 

Jodi&Joe

I wouldn't send them back but I wouldn't give them to the kids either. I would be nosy and read them. Determine if a response is in order and take it from there. He may very well have moved on. He also may very well be using this as a way of reaching out. Sending them back is mean, just to be mean. And you have a duty to protect your kids so I would keep them from them unless this leads to him being a more permanent fixture again. And that is going to take time to determine.

Mickschick

Hmmmmmm. That's a tough one. I think by his actions he is showing that he wants to maintain a relationships with the kids but not you. Which part of me wants to say that you shouldn't deny them a relationship with a grandparent. But another part of me is saying that if he could just cut ties like that with you would he ever potentially do that to your kids and myself as a parent would wantbto protect them from that.

justEK

Mickschick:

Hmmmmmm. That's a tough one. I think by his actions he is showing that he wants to maintain a relationships with the kids but not you. Which part of me wants to say that you shouldn't deny them a relationship with a grandparent. But another part of me is saying that if he could just cut ties like that with you would he ever potentially do that to your kids and myself as a parent would wantbto protect them from that.

This is exactly it. He doesn't plan on being a grandfather, just like he wasn't a father. He wants in when he is ready. When I call to leave a message that my son wants to talk to him, he never calls back.

Sending them back is mean, but if he were trying to heal anything, he would have answered my call the other night when I called. He would have sent a card to all of us, not just them. His wife is mad because she can't have our house, so she wants me out of his life. For good. 

speckledfrog

I wouldn't send them back and I wouldn't give them to your kids either.  Why invite drama in when it's not necessary.

justEK

Jodi- he'll never be a permanent fixture. He's made that clear.

Jodi&Joe

Yea then my answer stands. Don't send them back, and don't give them to the kids. Read them and rip them. I would say just toss them but no way I'd have the willpower for that. 

karen6784

justEK:

Mickschick:

Hmmmmmm. That's a tough one. I think by his actions he is showing that he wants to maintain a relationships with the kids but not you. Which part of me wants to say that you shouldn't deny them a relationship with a grandparent. But another part of me is saying that if he could just cut ties like that with you would he ever potentially do that to your kids and myself as a parent would wantbto protect them from that.

This is exactly it. He doesn't plan on being a grandfather, just like he wasn't a father. He wants in when he is ready. When I call to leave a message that my son wants to talk to him, he never calls back.

Sending them back is mean, but if he were trying to heal anything, he would have answered my call the other night when I called. He would have sent a card to all of us, not just them. His wife is mad because she can't have our house, so she wants me out of his life. For good. 

 

Why does she want your home?  

Temp108743750006959

I'd steam them open and read them first and then decide.

justEK

karen6784:

Why does she want your home?  

Because hers is in foreclosure. The 2nd time she met my daughter she prompted her to call her grandma. Within 3 weeks they were getting married. At the wedding, her mother was the only one there for her side. Her daughter lives 10 minutes from her and refuses to see her.

My dad asked us to move in after my mom passed away to help him keep the house. She thought marrying him, she'd get the house. She called me a spoiled brat when she was asked to sign a pre-nup so we wouldn't lose our house, that our name is on and we've been paying the mortgage on for 5 years. 

karen6784

She sounds like a real peach (to be polite).  I agree with the suggestions from the others.  I am sorry you are dealing with this.  It sounds like a mess.  I think it says a lot about her that her own children have nothing to do with her.

J&A2008

Can you send him a message explaining what you just said here?  That of course you want to give the kids the cards, but you're worried it will just stir up their confusion for why he's not around anymore?  If he's going to make the cards a regular thing on their birthdays/holidays, then it might be a nice way for them to still have a connection to him.

If you do give them the cards, I'd wait for a time when you're prepared to deal with their questions in a cool, casual way.  (I have to do this with BM's cards to the boys and not give them when I'm seething at her lack of communication with them but am calm and composed.)  Then, when they ask, you can respond with something like: "Your grandfather wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and he sent the card so you know he's thinking of you" - with a smile.

justEK

J&A2008:

Can you send him a message explaining what you just said here?  That of course you want to give the kids the cards, but you're worried it will just stir up their confusion for why he's not around anymore?  If he's going to make the cards a regular thing on their birthdays/holidays, then it might be a nice way for them to still have a connection to him.

If you do give them the cards, I'd wait for a time when you're prepared to deal with their questions in a cool, casual way.  (I have to do this with BM's cards to the boys and not give them when I'm seething at her lack of communication with them but am calm and composed.)  Then, when they ask, you can respond with something like: "Your grandfather wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and he sent the card so you know he's thinking of you" - with a smile.

I just seriously thought of this same thing while taking a shower. I haven't got a response since July, but I suppose it's worth a shot. He either answers or I keep them this time and put the money in their accounts (knowing him it will be at least 100-200 each). If he doesn't respond, I send another email letting him know his cards will be sent back from now on. I cannot let him do this to my kids. 

cotner

J&A2008:

Can you send him a message explaining what you just said here?  That of course you want to give the kids the cards, but you're worried it will just stir up their confusion for why he's not around anymore?  If he's going to make the cards a regular thing on their birthdays/holidays, then it might be a nice way for them to still have a connection to him.

If you do give them the cards, I'd wait for a time when you're prepared to deal with their questions in a cool, casual way.  (I have to do this with BM's cards to the boys and not give them when I'm seething at her lack of communication with them but am calm and composed.)  Then, when they ask, you can respond with something like: "Your grandfather wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and he sent the card so you know he's thinking of you" - with a smile.

This is what I was thinking.  I would send him a letter asking what he wants their relationship to be.  No guilt, just an honest answer of what he is willing to offer.  At that point you can then explain to the kids what to expect.  A card 2x a year, more, or less.  I wouldn't give them the cards without an answer to that question.  If he doesn't respond then don't give them.  If he does, then you can re-analyze giving them the cards.

Littlejen22

If the kids are struggling with losing their grandfather who cut off contact then I would not give them the cards, they will not understand and to me that is not harmless.  Can you call him and flat out ask him what his intention is?  If he is reaching out and trying to start contact again then you have something to consider, if he just sent it as a card or gift with no intention then don't give it to them...but if it is money I would put it in their accounts, they do not need to know but I would not turn down money for my kids, lol.  I do not know the backstory of your SF but hope that he is trying to make amends even if you do not want it.
Sorry, I just read your responses , should have done that first! I would keep the money and let him know in a way that the wife will not intercept (work, cell, email, etc) that you guys are always there when he ready for a real relationship but that you will not be giving the kids cards from him and in the future will return them unless he shows that he really wants a relationship and will stick around since the kids (and you) miss him very much and that you will not confuse them by giving them false hope that he wants to be in their lives.

I am SOOOO sorry that he is doing this to you and your kids.

Mickschick

Okay...so I have been thinking about this for a bit. This is what I think you should do.

I would write him a letter and mail it to him. I might even go so far as sending it certified to know that he actually did get it. (I would not email because you just never know- there is a chance that he wouldn't get it and I wouldn't want there to be any confusion and no room for benefit of the doubt).

In that letter and I would put everything out there. Your feelings, your reservations etc. And see if he responds. If he doesn't respond in a set amount of time (and this time frame is totally your descretion... I would say 30 days but to you it might be something different). After your time frame I would then send the cards back to him with a note that he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to have a stable relationship with you and you don't think it would be healthy and or fair to the children and ask him to kindly not try and contact them anymore.

Or you could save the cards and give them to the kids when they are old enough. I'm still a bit torn on that one...

justEK

Mickschick, I have written him so many times and by email since his wife doesn't work and would intercept the mail. Unless, I sent it to his work which I think is wrong. I have freaking begged the *** both of them to put our differences aside for the kids. The lack of response says a lot.

EastCoastBride

At a minimum I wouldn't give the kids the cards.  Whether you send the cards back - I don't care.

The reason?  I'm a firm believer that if you want a relationship w/ certain kids, you need to have some kind of relationship w/ their parents.  There is NO WAY I'd let anyone who won't speak or acknowledge ME have a relationship w/ my son.  There is just no way - family or not. 

Especially as your kids have asked about him and have had to deal w/ their own feelings of not seeing granddad.  He doesn't get to pick and choose when he has "contact" with them. 

So - no cards to the kids.

pookie2005

My policy is that if you want to have a relationship with my kid, you have to be an active part of my life as well. If someone had "cut off all contact" with me, I would not allow them to have contact with my kid.

pookie2005

justEK:

karen6784:

Why does she want your home?  

Because hers is in foreclosure. The 2nd time she met my daughter she prompted her to call her grandma. Within 3 weeks they were getting married. At the wedding, her mother was the only one there for her side. Her daughter lives 10 minutes from her and refuses to see her.

My dad asked us to move in after my mom passed away to help him keep the house. She thought marrying him, she'd get the house. She called me a spoiled brat when she was asked to sign a pre-nup so we wouldn't lose our house, that our name is on and we've been paying the mortgage on for 5 years. 

I wouldn't let a person like that have contact with me or my family either. 

justEK

Thanks everyone.

I'm working on an email now to ask what his intentions are.

And I guess to add to the story, he is filing bankruptcy and leaving his debt that is in all of our names to us. 20 years of his debt is a fine Christmas present.  

ridesbuttons

Man, this is a true Catch-22.  What you decide to do today may come back and haunt you in the future.  Will your kids demand to know why you made the decision about their relationship with their grandfather?  Are you prepared to answer those questions?  Will there be fallout?

I don't know if I have heard the backstory beyond this post (widower remarried to a gold-digger who has cut you out for reasons unknown, or was it mutual?) and I don't remember how old your kids are.

I guess if this was me, I'd keep the cards in an envelope for the kids to have at a later date (if they are under 8 or so).  If they are over 8, I might give them the choice so long as they have an age-appropriate explanation as to why your relationship is at the point it is.

So, I am no help.