Need to vent- pissed at in laws- NBR

repedrick

Just need to vent a little and can't anywhere else. I am pissed off at my inlaws & how they are treating DH. There are 3 kids in DH's family, he's the oldest.

His youngest sister (20 yr old) decided to try to trap a guy in a relationship and get pregnant on purpose (yes, I know this as a fact was her plan) but it didn't work and now she's a single mom. She says it's too hard to be a single mom and work or go to school (no college education) so DH's parents provided her with a house to live in rent free and give her $2000 a month to live off of so that she can be a stay at home mom (whose kid goes to daycare 3 days a week anyways while she sits at home).

Then DH's brother (24 yr old) recently got married. His brother works full time & SIL was working full time and going to school part time. Well, they complained that it was too hard on SIL to work and go to school so DH's parents give them $2000 a month so that SIL could quit her job and just focus on school. No kids, just the 2 of them

DH works full time and goes to school full time and I work full time. We have baby #2 on the way. When DH finishes his professional review next summer, we will own our own business (taking over my family's business).So we've set ourselves up for a very good future.

The problem is that everyone else in the family has more free time than we do. They ask us about every weekend if we want to go out to dinner or shopping or something- which would be great if they stayed local and it could be a couple hour outing. But they choose to go into the state capital for all this stuff which is a 2 hour drive away. So we're talking 4 hours of driving plus time for whatever we are doing and it ends up taking the entire day. We decline most of the time b/c the weekend is our time off and when DH tries to get most of his school work done.

 Well it came up again this weekend and we declined and his mom threw a fit. She bitched DH out for never wanting to do anything with the family and how we must not like them because we never want to go with them and she's just going to quit trying. DH tried telling her that we would go if they wanted to go someplace closer that wouldn't kill our entire day cause he needs the time to get his stuff done. She snapped back at him asking him if he wanted her to start supporting him too so he could quit his job and have more family time. He said no that he just wanted her to understand his time is valuable and he has to manage it to get everything done. So now she's mad at us (again). DH's ready to throw his hands in and say screw them and do our own thing and quit trying. We know they are jealous of our future plans (but hey! that's what you get when you work your butt off to put yourself in that position).

Why can't they just be supportive and understand we're making a ton of sacrifices this year to set our family up for a very good future?!? It's not like we live someplace where there is nothing to do. They just want to choose to go to the bigger malls and fancier restaurants out of town.

Sorry this was so long and thanks for listening to my vent 

Ya Never Know

If you guys made the plans, time and place, do you think your family would go to that? I'm just thinking, maybe it would be enough to show them that you do want to spend time with them, and it's strictly the location that is the issue? Sorry, that's probably not much help.. If it were me, that is what I would do, as well as explain that we can't attend because it's too far... they should be able to understand why that's an issue, especially for a working couple.

cecilyandgautam

Once this particular tiff cools off, perhaps you & he could invite his family to join in on an outing that demonstrates the kind of invitation your family is more able to accept? I know it's not the same, but when some one repeatedly invites me to happy hours (for religious reasons, I don't drink), I politely decline but then invite them for an afternoon coffee or over to dinner at our place if it's not a coworker just to show that it's not the friendship I'm turning down - just the specific invitation that didn't work for me.

avbliss

It never fails to amaze me how selfish and entitled the baby boomer generation can be. They want to keep control over their kids for as long as possible (hence they are supporting two grown children), and when one shows that they are independent and self reliant they take it as some kind of personal affront. It's ridiculous! Good for you and DH for sticking up for yourselves and sacrificing to provide a better future for your children all while being a good example of what an adult is. His mother will eventually get off her high horse when she realizes she's not part of your lives because of the choices she's made. I'd invite them over, and try to plan family things where you can attend, when they decline then it's not you who's the one refusing to be with family.

(And believe me they aren't supporting their other 2 kids out of the goodness of their hearts, it's totally a control thing! My parents tried to do that to me and DH and we declined the help, even when things got super tight, because ti ALWAYS comes with a million little strings attached)

Jillibean85

I agree with the PPs... You should take the initiative next time to try to invite them to spend time as a family in a location reasonable for everyone (half way or something). It's great you guys are doing well, just don't forget to put a little time aside for your loved ones, they won't be here forever!

elizxu

I am constantly shocked at how much parents "enable" their adult children. We have family friends who's adult children are treated in a very similar fashion as your husband's siblings. I don't ever recall school being an option....we were expected to get a college degree (or learn a trade, if we went that route). My parents were generous and paid for all of our educations, but we worked for housing, spending & play money. We were expected to make grown-up decisions and didn't get "bailed" out when things got difficult. I am SO thankful that my parents treated us like responsible people and not children.

Sorry...I know that's way off topic of your post. Families are HARD! I learn that more & more everyday. GL!!

repedrick

We've tried to suggest alternative plans and they decline. Like if they are just wanting to go out to dinner we've suggested meeting them at 6 someplace local (we all live in the same town so it wouldn't be one sided travel) that way we can go out for the evening but DH has all day long to get his stuff done. We have decent restaurants like Applebees or several nice family owned places but they say they don't want to go there. They want to go places like Olive Garden or Outback which you have to go to the bigger city for.

PP is exactly right- I think they are upset that they can't be controlling over us like the other 2 and it drives me nuts! My family is the type that you were raised and given opportunities to be able to stand on your own and make your own life not rely on your family to support you forever.

Ya Never Know

repedrick:

We've tried to suggest alternative plans and they decline.

If they're declining, then I'd probably just tell them that they are being unreasonable. Why is it okay for them to decline your invitation, but it's not okay for you to decline theirs? I would probably put it to them just like that.

beachbunni307

Wow...i'm impressed that your inlaws can afford to give away $4000/month and still support themselves. I would try to let it go. My parents make little effort to come see me but complain that I don't come see them enough (they live an hour away, both retired, and I work full time), and it's only getting worse now that we have a baby on the way. I just tell them, "the freeway goes both directions, you know". 

I know you said that you've tried to suggest alternate plans and they decline....but how about if you suggest plans ahead of time (maybe a get together at the house or dinner locally or something) before they all make their plans....beat them to the planning. At least then if they decline it's because they don't want to do it, not because they already have other plans. That would give you a good reason to give them all a hard time. I don't know, just a thought. We've done that and it seems to work.

repedrick

beachbunni307:

Wow...i'm impressed that your inlaws can afford to give away $4000/month and still support themselves.

Oh that's a whole other subject in itself. They just inheritated a bunch of money from DH's grandfather passing away. They are blowing through the money fast and DH has made comments to his sister and brother about how they better use the opportunity now to get themselves established b/c when the money runs out they are going to be screwed. But they just laugh it off. DH and I have placed bets (just between the 2 of us) about how long until the money is gone (I say within 5 years, he gives it 3) and how when they all fall flat on their face and we're sitting good we are NOT taking care of them.

I mean if it was an unfortunate situation where they went broke because of medical bills or job loss- we would help them out; but I refuse to take away from my family when its just them making stupid choices (I'm talking going through $200-300K in the last 12-14 months by supporting the other 2, buying his sister a house, a new camper, totally remodeling their home etc.)

Maybe I should pass on his sister's philosophy since it will apply to us all soon-  rather than washing bottles and reusing them, she throws them away when he is done drinking the formula and constantly buys new- she says its not worth her time to wash them and its more sanitary this way. That's the stupidity I'm talking about

December192009

Everything about his family is beyond ridiculous. It sounds like you two are very hard workers and that you're finally about to reap the fruits of your hard labor. Be prepared to face a lot of jealousy from others because of that. Part of being an adult and being married/starting your own family is separating yourself to some extent from your own family nuclei. I would not feed into his mother's delusions. I can't imagine asking people to drive over 2 hours away to eat dinner. I think pper has a good point - invite them to come over to eat dinner at your house- but do not feel obligated to include the entire extended family. 

Sascha3

repedrick:

beachbunni307:

Wow...i'm impressed that your inlaws can afford to give away $4000/month and still support themselves.

Oh that's a whole other subject in itself. They just inheritated a bunch of money from DH's grandfather passing away. They are blowing through the money fast and DH has made comments to his sister and brother about how they better use the opportunity now to get themselves established b/c when the money runs out they are going to be screwed. But they just laugh it off. DH and I have placed bets (just between the 2 of us) about how long until the money is gone (I say within 5 years, he gives it 3) and how when they all fall flat on their face and we're sitting good we are NOT taking care of them.

I mean if it was an unfortunate situation where they went broke because of medical bills or job loss- we would help them out; but I refuse to take away from my family when its just them making stupid choices (I'm talking going through $200-300K in the last 12-14 months by supporting the other 2, buying his sister a house, a new camper, totally remodeling their home etc.)

Maybe I should pass on his sister's philosophy since it will apply to us all soon-  rather than washing bottles and reusing them, she throws them away when he is done drinking the formula and constantly buys new- she says its not worth her time to wash them and its more sanitary this way. That's the stupidity I'm talking about

Omg...that is just disgusting about the baby bottles.  I have a friend who would just let her dirty dishes pile up and then throw them in the garbage and buy new ones because she didn't want to wash them.  Needless to say she has no credit, no savings, and only gets by because her FI  has money.  She stays in that relationship no matter what he does to her because she can't afford to leave.

I am glad that you guys do not intend to support his family after they blow through money that could have taken care of them for the rest of their lives.  That is just ridiculous.  At least they won't be able to hold it over your heads that they gave you money and that is part of why they are broke.  Did your husband get any of the inheritance or did it all go to his father?

Sascha3

And not to be a complete b!tch, I mean, I like Olive Garden every once in a while, but who in the hell wants to drive 2 hours to eat at Olive Garden??

Lisakate721

I am so sorry you have to go through this!  Juggling families (especially in-laws) is never fun.  My husband and I aren't nearly as busy as you guys are and I can't imagine going on a 2-hour drive for an outing with either side of the family unless it was well planned.  I will say my in-laws, although they mean well, I think forget that we have lives and other people in our lives too.  I agree with a PP who mentioned a generational thing.

I will say I have found some relief by being proactive in our relationship with them. I make it a point to schedule dinners with them when it is convenient for us.  They're happy they get to see us, and we're happy because it is when it's good for us and they don't just "drop by."  

Please don't think I'm saying you are at all in the wrong - because your in-laws are definitely the one at fault here.  But sometimes life is just easier when you proactively schedule the plans (even when your in-laws should be understanding). 

Disneygeek77

You guys don't have to take this. You did nothing wrong.  They are entitled to their feelings but you don't have to let that bother you.  Next time his mom call upset have him say " Mom, I can see this is upsetting you.  I will call back when you are feeling better."  DO this every single time and let them know you are not falling for their manipulations.