At what age do you start talking about good touch/bad touch & not talking to strangers

Alex26

Hi ladies,

I guess I can ask my pedi, but I also wanted to ask here.  DS just turned 3 two months ago and he is really bright and a great talker.  With all the recent news regarding the child sexual abuse @ Penn State and Syracuse in NY, got me thinking as to when you start talking to your kids about good touch/bad touch and not talking to strangers too. 

Any info would be greatly appreciated.

 TIA 

chicsub

At DS's 3 y/o checkup the doc said he suggests starting the talks at this age.  He told DS that sometimes doctors will look under his underpants, but it's only OK if mommy or daddy are there too and that other people shouldn't do it.  Caught me off guard, but I was very pleased that the pedi brought it up. 

ShanJosh777

chicsub:

At DS's 3 y/o checkup the doc said he suggests starting the talks at this age.  He told DS that sometimes doctors will look under his underpants, but it's only OK if mommy or daddy are there too and that other people shouldn't do it.  Caught me off guard, but I was very pleased that the pedi brought it up. 

I've been wondering about the same thing, also because of all the news lately. I think what that doc said was good, emphasizing that it's okay because mom or dad is there, NOT just because he's a doctor. As sad as it is, there have also been recent stories about doctors sexually abusing children, etc.

I think I am going to start talking to DS, I've just been unsure of how to approach it in an age-appropriate way. 

KathrynMD

We've just started talking about it in the last few months.

We basically say talk about things being "private" and are just for her or Mommy, Daddy and the doctor.  And, that she shouldn't touch anybody else in their private parts or look at them, etc.  She always asks to touch my "heiney' and I tell her no, that's my private part.

I don't say it all the time, but we talk about several times a week; I also remind her what to do if she gets lost/can't find Mommy, etc.

kmhunt11

chicsub:

At DS's 3 y/o checkup the doc said he suggests starting the talks at this age.  He told DS that sometimes doctors will look under his underpants, but it's only OK if mommy or daddy are there too and that other people shouldn't do it.  Caught me off guard, but I was very pleased that the pedi brought it up. 

Exactly.  I was shocked when her pedi talked DD through it at her 3 year appt.  She said that she was going to pull down her panties to check her private parts, but it's only ok because mommy is right there.  In the past couple weeks DD has started asking more about why boys don't have vaginas, and also has pulled down her pants a couple of times in front of my dad and my brother.  We would have let that go a few months ago, but now I walk her to a different room and explain to her that those are her private parts and they are not for other people to see.  She's also had to learn to not pull my shirt up in front of others.  She just wants to look at my growing baby bump, but she's learning that that's only ok at home, when it's just me, her and Daddy.  She's getting it, so I think she's ready.  We haven't, by the way, gone down the "if someone does X, tell mommy or daddy" road yet.  I figure we'll establish boundaries first.   

RoxBride

Our pedi advised around 3, to start just setting the guidelines that no one should look at or touch certain places, unless it is mommy or daddy or they are there and say it is okay.

Our preschool introduced the concept that it is never okay for an adult to ask you to keep a secret. They can ask you to keep a surprise, when you know it would make the person happy, and that surprises have an end date when everyone finds out. So a surprise would be mommy's birthday present, we won't tell her what it is, but she will find out on his birthday. A secret is 'don't tell mommy' and wouldn't make mommy happy and there is no date when she'd find out. When asked to keep a secret, always tell a grown up.

Wally3

RoxBride:

Our pedi advised around 3, to start just setting the guidelines that no one should look at or touch certain places, unless it is mommy or daddy or they are there and say it is okay.

Our preschool introduced the concept that it is never okay for an adult to ask you to keep a secret. They can ask you to keep a surprise, when you know it would make the person happy, and that surprises have an end date when everyone finds out. So a surprise would be mommy's birthday present, we won't tell her what it is, but she will find out on his birthday. A secret is 'don't tell mommy' and wouldn't make mommy happy and there is no date when she'd find out. When asked to keep a secret, always tell a grown up.

 I like this explaination.

lite-bright

My pedi asked if I had talked to DD1 about it at her three-year appointment, and then proceded to lay the groundwork with DD1 before her exam. 

Every time she's seen DD1 since, for sick visits, she goes over it again. 

We talk about it every once in awhile, but I do need to bring it up more often to make sure it's sinking in, I think.  

jsugrin

We started at 3.  For us the beginnings started with having brothers that think it's hysterical to yank on each others penis ::sigh::: so we were able to talk about that being a private part, only to be touched by their Dr. or mama and daddy giving a bath (we also started them on washing themselves).  When my older DS started pre-school at 3 1/2 I did some more in depth talks about how no one should every touch him, that if he ever felt uncomfortable with how someone touched him to let his teacher and mama and daddy know.  I gave a very simple explanation about some people touch kids in a way that is not ok and that I just wanted him to know he could always tell someone to leave him alone.  I'd say a lot of my point about strangers and touch went over his head but I still think it was a good start.

Ciarrai

Our pedi starts mentioning it as early as 2ish or when they're talking well and understanding as well as PT.  Just like one of the pp said "Sometimes a doctor is going to look in your underwear at your private areas.  This is only ok when Mommy or Daddy is there.  No one else should ever look at or touch your private areas."  He says it every time at every appointment as do the other pedis in the practice.  (DD#1 recently had a rash/strep infection in her vaginal area.  She had a woman pedi, who happened to be on call and she even was very specific about how she was a doctor and it was ok because I was there with her.) 

At the 4-year-appointment, they go over specifically with the parents how to talk about it and whatnot with the kids.  

As to talking to strangers, the girls have started that too.  Again, around 3ish and they're told it's ok when Mommy is there and talking too, but never ever by themselves and never ever to go near a stranger and that it's ok to be rude or mean if someone makes them uncomfortable ANYWHERE ANYTIME.  They also know to hit, bite, kick and do anything they can to get away if someone tries to grab them and to scream like hell even if someone tells them not to.

KL777

We've already started it.  So it was about age 3.