Inconsiderate in-laws & smoking
As of Friday, Dec 2nd, I'll be 33 wks. My father-in-law & his girlfriend smokes, as well as others. I've had issues with having to "put up" with the smell, & exposing my son to it, for the last 10 years. They don't seem to care that my son & I are both asthmatic, & if I wanted to be a part of the family, cigarette smoke was part of the deal. When I became pregnant, I told my husband "no more", and he supposedly talked to his dad. This past Thanksgiving, I asked my hubby to call ahead of time & remind his dad not to smoke. His dad's the one that said to remind him. The problem? My husband doesn't know how to take a stand against his father & mean it. Here's how the conversation went when his dad asked why I didn't want any smoking around me: "Well...she's in the home stretch & we're so close & don't want anything to potentially go wrong. This is just until the baby gets here." Excuse me??? I don't want to bring a baby around that either!!
So, we get there & everyone's eating, so we sit down to eat. Shortly after they're done, they go in the other room & light up. It didn't take long for the smoke to reach the kitchen, & make me start to cough & feel sick. I told my husband we needed to go, or he needed to talk to his dad. He asked his dad to go to the garage & they were gone for a little bit, but when they came back, his dad lit up again in the other room. I put my coat on, told my son to put his coat on, & told my husband "let's go". He made up some excuse about letting the dogs out at home.
In the car, my hubby told me that his dad said that he may or may not stop smoking around me. This is where I stand: I told my husband that since it's a 40 minute drive to his dad's, I'd like to know ahead of time if he plans on smoking in the house, so I can stay home. If I travel all the way there, & see them smoking, I WILL turn around & come straight home. The same goes for after I have my daughter. I will NOT expose her to that. My husband said that I'm telling his dad he can't smoke in his own house then. No, I'm not. I'm asking him to tell me if he plans on smoking, so I don't go. It would be his dad's choice to smoke, mine to not be there. If he wants to see me or his granddaughter, he will abstain from smoking in the house for the few hours we'd be there. We HARDLY ever go there as it is, so I don't think it's any hardship on his part. It's bad enough that every other word out of those people's mouths are the "F" word & words like that. At least give me a smoke free environment.
I told my husband if he can't find it within himself to talk to his dad about something so important, then I will. He doesn't want me talking to him.. mainly because his dad can be a real jerk. If my husband was obviously on my side about this, then I wouldn't worry. But when it comes to his dad, he acts like a little kid again, afraid to stand up to him & "offend" him. How would you handle it?
Re: Inconsiderate in-laws & smoking
Honestly, I would have told my husband the same thing. I mean I understand that it is his home and he can smoke in it if he chooses; however, when it come to my health and well being and the health of my children, we will choose to not be around it. If that means that we turn around and go home after they light up, so be it.
Also, I think you guys should just stop going there altogether. It isn't just smoke you have to worry about but also the third hand smoke in the furniture, carpet, walls etc. That isn't healthy for you or your children. Might be time to think of meeting at a place that is between both of your homes.
just stop visiting. obviously he doesnt have the respect needed to not only smoke away from you, but also your kids dont need to be exposed to such nasty language either.
med-free birth x2, breastfeeding, baby wearing SAHM
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I would have handled the beginning a little differently but eventually we get to the same result. It's his house, he can smoke wherever he'd like. But if he chooses to smoke inside while me and my children are there, then we won't be going there. He can come to us to see us and the kids and he will not be smoking in my house.
When it comes to my child, I don't care about offending people. My SO and I had to talk about this when we found out we were pregnant. Luckily for me, we are on the same side. All the smokers we know are outside smokers so that's not really a problem but they will be washing their hands if they want to hold our baby and they won't get in her face or kiss her. Most of SO's family are seriously heavy drinkers and so people can't hold her once they start drinking. It really depends on the person but it's easier said that way. I don't have time to watch everyone and keep an eye on how much they've been drinking. And they will try to pick up the baby and think its perfectly okay even if they are smashed and can't walk.
I agree with everyone else, I'd just stop going there entirely. I wouldn't even have the conversation with him asking whether or not he plans to smoke each particular visit. I just wouldn't go and wouldn't take the kids, and when eventually your FIL starts to notice and asks why you aren't coming, you or DH can say that you don't want to be around the smoke. That way you aren't asking him to stop doing something, you're just stating that you know he smokes there and won't be around it. If he chooses to adjust his behavior in order to allow you to visit, fine. If not, he can come to your house or not see you guys at all. DH can do whatever he wants as long as it doesn't involve subjecting your kids to secondhand smoke.
I run into the same problem with my in-laws. They smoke in the house all the time and when we go visit them (about 10 hrs away) they insist we stay with them. So DH told them, listen you don't have to stop smoking in the house but just so you know, if you are planning to smoke while we're there we are going to stay in a hotel. That was enough so that MIL and BIL didn't smoke in the house while we were visiting and it'll stay that way when LO is here.
I am in a similar situation, FIL and wife live 4 hours away from us, so if we go to see them, it's a weekend trip. Up until now, I did not like the smoke, but I put up with it b/c it's not my house. However, now that we have a LO involved (whether he's in my stomach or out), I do not like the idea of visiting. We've gone 29 weeks without staying there, which is a long time for us...but it helps that DH agrees with me. He doesn't want smoke to be near the baby at all. So, from now on when we go there, we'll have to stay with his step-sister and her family.
His dad is very good about going outside without question when he comes to visit us...which he's done twice since we found out we were expecting, and only once EVER before that. But...I understand about H not saying anything to his dad, b/c although DH agrees with me, he would never ask them to not smoke around the baby. He says that they'll act like we think we're better than them...but seriously, it's dangerous. AND, DH used to smoke, so he understands that it's a pain to have to go outside in the cold...but they too could go in the garage that is attached. AND, DH had cancer recently...not related to smoking, but who knows, it could have been.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I understand, and you're not alone in this kind of situation. GL!
My parents and family smoke, when we are around or my cousins baby they smoke outside. They don't make a big deal about it. Maybe he will get the point when you stop showing up at his house. I know its your husbands dad, but I would stand up to him to and say look if you want to see your grandkids there will be no smoking around them. Its amazing how selfish people can be. GL to you.
Lurking from 2nd tri.
Its kind of a tough situation, I go though it with my mom. I'm pregnant and she smokes. The problem is we work in the same building and we travel together and I was told point blank if I don't want to be around smoke then I can find another way to work since its her car. I hate it and I'm terrified that its going to hurt my little girl but I don't have any other option. If I take the bus to work I have to leave 2 hours earlier then I already do.
I guess I can see both sides its her car her house so you dont' have much right to say what they can and can do. But in saying that I don't spend much time with my mom anymore because of the smoking. I never go to her house for more then 5 minutes. Stop going I guess is the best way. Your husband probably doesn't want to fight with his dad or you
Smoking is so controversial. Plus its one persons opinion to another. I think it's quite simple it's their house, they smoke in it. People who don't want to be around smoke have a choice to make.
My sister (who smokes) blew up last year at the Thanksgiving dinner over all the smoking in my parents house. She visits there throughout the year I don't understand why she thought it would be different on a holiday. My reply to her was if you don't like being around it don't go there (me- nonsmoker). I try to avoid going out in the winter so we aren't stuck in the smoke filled house. I spend almost all summer there because we are outside.
Nearly all of my husband's family, whom we're all close with, smoke -- including parents of babies and young children, and the moms also smoked while pregnant. DH and I smoked for several years as well, but quit when we were struggling with IF, and knowing we didn't want to expose our children to such an unhealthy lifestyle. All of my in-laws have no such qualms, and think nothing of smoking around their own children, but others' children as well -- even the one 3 year old whose parents do not smoke.
I'd already asked everyone several times not to smoke around me during my pregnancy, to no avail. So I've had to alienate myself from the family to stay away from as much of the smoke as I can. That's one thing...but how on earth am I going to keep my baby away from it without essentially removing him from this family? As close as well all are, I just know everyone's going to want to smother our baby with attention (as we all do with all of the little ones in the family already).
My in laws smoke and I avoided going over there while pregnant.
DH knows that I will not have a baby around the smoke either- but he is the one that has to deal with talking to them about that, not me.