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3rd Trimester
SVAQ11
member
What do we call my dad's wife?
SVAQ11
member
My parents divorced when I was in my 20's and my father remarried a few years later. I get along ok with his wife, but I consider her my father's wife (not my stepmom). She has no children and is not maternal in any way - in fact, she's pretty selfish for a grown woman. While I intend to spend some time with my dad and his wife, they are not really the involved, babysitting type. In fact, they are probably going to be moving out of state while the LO is still a baby. My dad's wife has already off-handedly referred to LO as their (her and my dad's) grandchild. I really feel uncomfortable referring to her as grandma or having our LO call her grandma. I think it is rude towards my mother and my DH's mother who are loving and maternal and involved in our lives and have earned the title, but I don't want to just have the LO call her by her first name (that seems weird). Anyone have this situation before? What did you call your dad's wife (or mother's husband) when they don't deserve the grandma/grandpa title?
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Re: What do we call my dad's wife?
By lilenatalem at 2012-01-28
I agree with the PP. My step daughters calls my mom Nana, even though my baby is my mom's first blood grandchild. The difference in our situations is that my mom treats them like her granddaughters. My mom does stuff with them and they spend the night with her. The girls love her just as much as she loves them.
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Although I don't have any "step" people in my family. My DH family does and they both got remarried AFTER dh and I got married. We hardly speak to either one of them. But as far as I am concerned they are called by their FIRST NAME ONLY.
Anyway getting to my real point. In a family I believe that one earns the title of Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt, Uncle, etc.
Just because you are blood related DOESN'T mean that you have a title. It doesn't work that way. Because we don't talk to much of my dh family when we talk with our dd we refer to them as Daddy's Daddy or Daddy's Mommy or Daddy's Brother.
Even my brother who we are not close with is refered to as Mommy's brother.
I would just call his wife by his name and when you introduce your lo to her, introduce her with her first name. I would also talk to your father alone to let him know this is how its going to be. I would not have it any other way. She would not be called Grandma in my book either.
Good luck
I have a similar situation. My father passed away when I was 12 and the man my Mother remarried, although a good man, is NOT my father, and I do not address him as such. He's my Mom's husband, not my stepfather. My kids call him Papa Keith instead of Grandpa. That way they still address him in a way that we find respectful, without dishonoring their actual grandfather.
I feel the same way with my husbands family. his parents got divored while we were dating and remairred with in a year. we call his dad -dad and his wife sandy and the same with his mom and her husband.
I feel like the grandkid should call them grandpa and sandy & grandma and tom. my husband feels like it doesnt matter but I think it does.............
DH's mom passed away in 2007. His dad remarried the month DS was born. We refer to her as Grandma Becky. DS rarely sees them and when he does, she is not at all maternal so there is not any need for him to call her anything. She actually keeps her distance. I wouldn't worry about it too much! Even though we went through the same emotions, it turned out to not be a big deal.
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DH parents have been divorced since he was a kid. He looks at his stepdad as a parent but his stepmom has always been more of his dad's wife and mother of his half siblings but not an additional parent to him. Their relationship has improved a lot over the years and I told him early on in my marriage that once we had children, I wanted every parent to be treated the same. I didn't want our children to think we liked one set of parents better than another.
Your child will naturally be closer to the grandparents that spend more time with him or her. A name doesn't signify that. And I don't think it takes anything away from your mother. She will know that she is important and this child will adore her all the same.
We refer to FIL's wife by her first name. They have only been married a couple years, so she isn't a mom figure to DH in the least. We see them once a year at most, so the kids haven't needed to call her anything. We'd use her first name or Mrs. First name.
ETA: Also, when they (FIL and wife) sign birthday cards it is Grandpa & her first name. So I don't think she considers them her grandkids or would be insulted.
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This in spades. My niece, who is now 10, has called my father (her biological grandfather - no "steps" in our family) Pop-pop since the day she could speak. Her little brother (almost 4 now) calls him Grampa. My mother is Gramma for both of them and always has been. So even with your biological parents, your kids could come up with their own cutesie names!
Remember that your child will pick up on what YOU call them. So if you call her by name, or nanna, or whatever it may be they will pick up on that as well as what your husband calls her. Not that thy will repeat it, they may come up with something that is simple in their own way. But my cousin ended up calling his step-mom B**ch because thats what he heard her referd to as the most ans it was easier than her name. So whatever you decide be careful.
Its nice to know what they expect to be called but doesn't mean it will happen. My IL's want to be called oma and opa because they dont want to be called grandma and grandpa like my parents, they think it would be confusing. I dont and I dont intend to refer to them as that either, its just not natural for me or dh.
No matter what they will make up their own mind, all you can do is try to guide them to an appropriate label.
My mom is Maama and my dad is Pop pop. My dad is not remarried but he has lived with his girlfriend for the last 10 years. Her name is Nancy and my neice and nephew call her Nan or Nancy, which is also what my LO will call her. She is very good to the kids and they love her very much, but there is a distiction between the grandparents and her.
I would just call her by her first name in front of LO and see what LO calls her.
Typically, people let grandparents/step-grandparents choose their own nickname. A woman I work with is a step-grandma, and she chose the nickname "NeNe" to rhyme with her name (Jeanne.)
My advice is to just say something like, "My mom is going by the name grandma, and to keep from confusing (baby), we thought it would be good if you went by something else. What would you like to be called?"
Also, as much as it might annoy you, you can't really keep her from considering your child to be her grandchild.
With DS, we chose some names - calling my Dad - "Gramps" and my mom wanted her husband (my step dad) to be called Papa.
But DS named my MIL - "Grandma Pink" (reason unknown, but that's what he calls her...).
My FIL remarried after DH and I were married, so I think of her as "his wife" as opposed to my step-MIL. At first it was a little awkward, but they became Grandma and Grandpa and that's what they are. They both treat DS like their grandchild, so I am comfortable with that.
I ask DS to call all adults by a title (Aunt, Miss, etc.), so just first name would be weird to me. But I think a non-Grandma title is fair- Granny, Gram, Nana, (or maybe something ethnically appropriate - Nona, Oma, etc.)
It feels harsh for a 2 year old to call a "grandparent" figured by just her first name.
This is one of our issues, too.
My mom decided when I was very young that she wanted to be called 'Nanna' by my future kids, so at least that's easy.
My MIL passed away in 2008, but we would like to reserve 'Grandma' for her anyway; she was an amazing woman, and I want our children to at least know of her.
Which means I have no idea what to have the kids call my dad's wife. We might go with 'Meemaw', since she and my dad DO live in Texas, heh.
We will probably ask what they'd like to be called, though, to minimize drama.
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My Step "Mom" is only 9 years older than me and we do get along now that I'm in my thirties. She does not want to be a grandma. She didn't want children of her own, she prefers the kind that other people have. So we decided the baby can call her by her name, or J, her first initial.
My step father has already deemed that the baby will call him GrandPop. whatever. I can't stand him, and he'll have such limited contact with my son that it's not worth my energy to fret about it.
Side note: I work in child care and one of my students calls his step grandma Gigi. Which I thought was pretty cute.
I kind of agree here. Don't exclude her just because you have low expectations.
I understand your situation and can empathize, even if I'm not in the same boat. My mom passed away in 06. My dad has dated a few women since but hasnt been in a serious relationship. Being that I want LO to know my mom as Grandma (through pictures, stories, etc) I agree with PP that the title must be earned.
My dad had 2 step-grandmothers. My grandma lost her mom in her early 20s (my dad was 7) and her dad ended up remarrying his brother's wife after his brother passed away (so aunt became stepmom). Most of our lives my dad referred to her by her name, until his grandpa passed away, then started calling her grandma.
On his dads side, his grandma passed away very young and grandpa remarried before his dad even graduated HS. That grandma was known as Grandma but she also hosted all the family gatherings, etc and was a very prominent figure in his life.
Even from a young age our parents told us that these were step-grandmas and our grandparents told us about their moms.
Hope this helps you a bit. I think a case-by-case basis is best and the title is definitely earned. A few of my friends grandmas are "grandma" to me because of how they treated us like their own.
I really disagree with people saying that this woman will automatically be a "grandparent" to your LO. You have to be a "parent" of the parents to be a "grandparent". In this case it is an honorary title only and you get to decide what type of relationship you and your LO have with her. In my own experience, I called my own paternal grandfather (not step, my dad's actual father) by his first name because he said he wasn't ready to be a grandfather. I called my dad's mom Grandma and my dad's dad by his first name, no big deal.
I would have your LO call this woman by her first name or a nickname. If you guys don't see them that often, you get to teach your LO what to call her.
I haven't read through any of the PP's replies yet, but let me tell you - I can relate. My dad's wife - although not selfish, is not my mom. My situation is a bit different in that my mom passed away and my dad remarried a few years later, but like you I was already out of college and out of the house. So to me, this woman is my dad's wife as she had no part in raising me. She is a perfectly nice person, but not my step-mother.
I had a real issue with the thought of my children calling her grandma because my mom is grandma. Fortunately my sister recently had another child so it kind of got me off the hook. I would recommend what my sister did - talking to your dad and explaining your feelings. You can even use the excuse that your mom is going to be grandma and you don't want things to be confusing by always referring to each of them as this grandma or that grandma.
My dad's wife is being called Nana - she's originally from Russia and that's what they call grandparents there. I know some people that call their grandmother's mimi.