I need help. (yes AE, not MUD)

Strawberry Poptart

I am a September mommy and really don't want to be flamed. I feel terrible as it is and I genuinely need advice. 

     I've been with my boyfriend for over the last four years. I love him and hes an amazing father. There really isn't anything terribly wrong with him. I am just not attracted to him the way a significant other should be. Truth be told, I am a lesbian. I have always had a "thing" for girls. I've never been with one (I could have been) but I had never been with a man either until my current boyfriend.  I always thought it was a phase or feeling that would pass with time and I had to be "normal". I have never really been attracted to men though and the ones I am are very feminine in looks and habit. My boyfriend is as manly as they get and I fell in love with his personality over his physique. 

     The longer we stay together the more I feel like he's just a really great roommate. I also have no burning desire to sleep with him. I just do it to make him happy. It seems unfair to him. I'm not sure how much longer I can stay this way. It doesnt feel right. I was looking for reasons to blame him but there are none, it's me. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know there's no way I can talk to him about it without doing so. He has learned that I've been attracted to females over the time we've been together and joked about me being gay before.

     I am very confused right now. I feel guilty, selfish, and just plain awful.  Do I stay? Do I leave? Would anyone know what I am going through? 

**To be clear: There is no "other person" so I am not having an affair or any love interest to try and escape this relationship. I have just been unhappy with my situation for some time now and have come to realize why. I wanted to unload on you ladies because I know how kind you all are. if you managed through this, thank you.

JKGymnast

I'm sorry you feel awful. But it sounds like you are being honest here... And he can't fault you for that. I don't have any advice for you but maybe ask the girls on LBGT Parenting if they have any advice? Good luck!

KAmandaK

Good for you for not getting married and I'm sorry you are struggling. I believe with my whole being that my ex-husband is gay. We got married when I was 21 and he was 29...I was his second wife. He is now on to his third! Until he decides to be honest with himself and others he is going to leave a path of distruction.

Do yourself and him a favour and get it out in the open. Life is too short to pretend.

Strawberry Poptart

Thank you ladies. I posted a copy on the LGBT board. KAmanadaK I have a feeling that is what I have to do. I am just scared and don't want to face the storm before the clearing. 

KAmandaK

Do you have any gay or lesbian friends that you can talk to? It might be easier to come out to them first? They'll know the dynamic of your social circle/region and could give you better insight.

ShannonSky

I'm not doubting the legitimacy of your feelings, but I really think you should hold off on any major decisions right now. Your hormones and emotions are still trying to straighten out from having your baby. I'm not saying you won't ultimately leave, or that you shouldn't, I would just be very wary of making any major life decisions right after birth. I'm sorry you're unhappy...I hope someone can give you some good advice!

covertxxamour

Sent you a private message

Strawberry Poptart

rchabalie:

Sent you a private message

Ygpm also