Deployment & is this my DH — The Bump
Military Families

Deployment & is this my DH

I was wondering if I was the only one experiencing a change in behavior. Dh and I have a great marriage however with him deploying in a couple days he's been really snappy and mean. We have argued everday since last week. As it gets closer it gets worse. I know that this is all coming from him being stressed and scared of being gone a year. This is why I try not to argue with him because I know its anxiety. Right now I've had enough because he takes cheap shots so I no longer ignore it I argue back. Please don't misunderstand, Dh is a great husband and father. Any other time its never like this. We will have a petty argument occasionally, make up, and move on. Yesterday he says "you have no idea what I'm going through. I will be alone and away from my family for a year. I will always be wondering what you guys are doing. Then because of stories from other guys he wonders if I will be here when he returns. That was the icing on the cake for me. I am not perfect but I have never not been by his side and I have always been faithful in our marriage. It's a shame and hurts me because the last days of him being here should be about love and cherishing the time left. Instead its arguments one after the other. The stories he's getting from other people who's marriage didn't work for one reason or another shouldn't even be a subject in my marriage. Who is this man and where the h*** is my H???????
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Re: Deployment & is this my DH

  • Oh yeah.  My husband becomes a horrible vile person right before deployment and right after he gets back.

    You just kinda have to remind yourself that deployment his a big adjustment for them, too.  It's hard and I'm sorry you have to go through it.

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  • I'm sorry you are going through this, but yes, it's totally normal--especially if it's his first deployment. I felt that the last few weeks before he left to be one of the most difficult parts of a deployment cycle. I was so ready for him to go so we could start counting down. Then I felt guilty for not "treasuring" every moment.

    Do you know another military couple or family y'all could have over or meet for dinner to talk? Could you meet with his chaplain? Try not to snipe back, give him some space, and keep showing him that you aren't going anywhere. My DH is quite skilled at compartmentalizing. He's completed four deployments (and number five is coming up), but he gets short and easily angered just before leaving. It sucks, but totally normal.

    Hang in there. It sucks, but before you know it, he'll be gone and you'll miss even him at his grumpiest.
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  • Thank you both for the advice. It's good to know I'm not crazy lol.
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  • I'm sorry your going threw this. But if it makes you feel better I think it's something that happens to most of us. My husband left in may for his 3rd time and every time it happeneds. I think it's they way of trying to make leaving easyer.. Even though I don't think it really helps lol my best friend was going threw it to so at least it made me know it's kinda what happeneds and not to let it get to me.. I don't know what your husbands like but mine doesn't tell me when he is upset or if he is sceared and I know he doesn't tell me what they really have to go threw. Just try and remind him how much he means to you and all that.. It's just a hard time it will get better I'm sorry your going threw a hard time!


  • There are some guyslike my H, who cherish the time they have before they leave.  Then, there are guys, like some I have worked with or MX,  who start to stress out and push people away.  On one hand, they think it will be easier on you if something happens to them.  On the other, they think it will be easier on them if you decide to be one of "those" wives.  It sucks, but it's what some of them do.  Sit him down and talk to him while he's home.  Don't do it in an acusatory way.  Just let him know that you are sad about him leaving and you would like the last few days he's home to be a happy time for every one. 

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  • My DH has gone 5 times now, and it's the same for him.  See if your base offers a support group for spouses of deployed soldiers... also, I know it's easier said than done, but try to just walk away from the arguments right now.  They worry about so much going over-- including you ms. wifey :) -- and men don't know how to deal with those emotions!


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  • Yes this is really normal, they have acctually published alot of books and articles on this particular part of deployment because it's so hard. tension is high and it's easier to leave when your angry than when your head over heels happy. Alot of couples go through this my hubby and i did too he got quiet I got pissy but it will pass and get better I promise.
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  • Thanks again ladies you all have been very helpful.
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  • Basically mirroring what everyone else has said...yes it's normal.  Don't take this next bit to be me getting one you in any way - really when it comes down to it, we can only control what WE do and how WE react so that's the angle I'll be writing from...

    It may help him if you agree that you don't understand, but you WANT to know what he's going through and what you can do to help.  As much as you want to defend yourself and are focused on what YOUR side will be like with him gone, he really needs your support and reassurance as a wife right now.  It may change his attitude some.  He's scared about leaving and scared about you leaving him while he's gone.  We don't like to see our big strong men as vulnerable, but they are only human.  After you've been supportive, let him know in a calm way what you're going through and how his words/actions affect you.  Once you put his mind at ease, he may be more willing to see your side (because right now he's probably oblivious).  You WILL make it through this, hope it gets better!

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