twins - one healthy, one not...

DavezWife

Hello ladies,

I'm quite familiar with these boards, but typically post on another. I hope my "intrusion" is ok.

I'm dealing with something very difficult in it's own way (we all have our mountains) and searching for someone who's walked in these types of shoes, I guess.

I'm almost 20 weeks along with g/b (fraternal, di-di) twins. In short, our son is likely not going to make it. (LUTO/bladder issues) They expect him to make it at/near term, in fact that's our "best case scenario" because it will give his sister time to grow strong and healthy. (she has a potential placenta  issue of her own, uuugh)

On top of it all, I have my own health concerns, this is my 13th pregnancy (one living daughter) and my sanity is hanging on by a mere thread, on a good day.

While I've been able to find and talk to many mommas who have carried to term despite fatal prognosis, I'm still looking to connect with a family or two that have delt with the twin thing. Needless to say it's SUCH a hard thing to wrap your mind around - hoping one makes it, knowing the other won't. Just the logistics of their birth day has me spinning.

Any guidance, blogs, or ideas welcome. Of course, I wish you all nothing but peace as you deal with your own losses... something I wish no mother ever had to know.

:-(

 

BeccaMarie

I am so sorry to hear about the diagnosis.

I know that there is another mom here who is pregnant with twins but is only expecting to be able to take one of her babies home. Hopefully she will connect with you.

I hope you find the support here that you need.

frogs007

I'm a twin mom.  My circumstances were similar to yours.  At 20 weeks I found out I was having identical twin boys, one was healthy one wasn't.  I lost my Porter a week later.  Isaac was supposed to live but his heart failed on November 16.  I know what it is like to carry two babies and know only one will come home.  I struggled a lot with that concept.  I struggled when people would ask if I was having twins because I wanted to acknowledge Porter but didn't want to explain.  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  Please email me [email protected] if you need someone to talk to.  I'm sorry my circumstances aren't the most uplifting, but I can listen to you vent or offer any day of the birth advice, I know that that part confused me the most. I also know other twin Moms that took a healthy baby home if you need more people to talk to.  I'll pray for you and your babies, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

krysiahamaty

I don't have any experience with twins so I don't have advice but I wanted to say I am so sorry about your diagnosis. I hope that you find some sort of comfort here.

kate6267

I am so sorry for the situation you are in! I was not in that situation but I did continue to carry a pregnancy knowing she would not live outside of my body. If you wan tI am willing to talk. I hope you can find someone to talk to who has a similar experiece. (((HUGS)))

DavezWife

thank you, ladies.

"Froggs" I'm going to shoot you an email now so I don't forget. I'd love to talk when you have time. thx.

erbarmywife

I had twins, though my outcome wasnt good.  I didnt know I would not be bringing one home until after birth, and then I was grieving the loss of one, while trying to stay optimistic about the other one in the NICU.  We ended up losing both, but for 20 days, I had to be happy and sad all at once.  I dont know if it would help talking to me, too, but you can PM me or email me (erbdoeshair@yahoo. com) if you'd like.

pb127

You're definitely not intruding. I don't have any info, but I hope we can provide some support and comfort to you. Welcome here.

ruthymusney

I think we "talked" before on the Cloth Diapering board about shorties. 

I'm so sorry for your diagnosis.  Your twins will be in my T&Prayers.  Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk. ((Hugs))

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Bread09

Hi there,

I recently lost one of my g/b twins shortly after birth.  I had posted back at the end of October when we were told that there was "as close to zero percent" of a chance that our baby girl would survive.  In fact, I realize now that I never came back and updated the board when I did give birth...I've been having a hard time.

The short version of our story--we found out at our anatomy scan a few days after 19w that Baby A (our girl) had a serious heart defect, was measuring disporportinatly and was measuring weeks behind.  That doctor told us that it appeared she had a chromosonal abnormaility but the only ways to tell would be an amnio or wait until birth.  Because of the risks to the other very healthy baby that the amino would pose, we decided to get second opinions and hope for the best.

We saw several specialists and I transferred to a speciality hospital for care.  We were given a good amount of hope weeks 24-35 as we were told the heart defect could be fixed and she appeared to be growing...and looked more proportinate.  The key was to get her as big as possible.  Things started going downhill at 35 weeks (goal was to get to 37w and possibly 38) as she stopped passing her NSTs and BPPs and her fluid level, which was always low, was not getting any better.  My doctor wanted to deliver at 35w2d and I actually was in L and D getting prepped when our case was reviewed and it was determined that there was going to be nothing that could be done for Baby A and that delivering would put Baby B at risk.  The plan was to go as long as possible to get B as big as possible.  Doctors warned us that Baby A would most likely live on a few minutes to a few hours.  Our hope was gone and we began to prepare.

My water ended up breaking at 36w4d and I had a c/s that night.  It was so wonderful to hear Baby A's cry when she was born and Baby B was perfect.  Because we knew about all this, we had a hospital photographer in the OR to get pictures and then a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was there once they were out of the OR.  We had Baby A baptised and our parents and sisters were there to meet them.  I had a ton of complications with the c/s so I did not get to spend a lot of time with either baby that night.  The next morning, I held our sweet baby girl all day.  She was a stubborn little thing and ended up living a lot longer than doctor's expectations...23.5 hours.  She passed away in my dad's arms as he was rocking her.  She went very peacefully.

We miss her termendously and it's a unqiue situation to have one dead baby and one live one.  People think that having our boy makes up for our daughter's death (some have said this) and it doesn't.  It's so unbeliveably hard.  I barely sleep because I am so afraid that he is going to die too (he has no health problems).  My anxiety and depression are out of control.

We had services for our daughter and took lots of pictures.  The first week we had lots of family and friends supporting us.  Now, three weeks later, no one calls or visits except my parents and sister.  My husband's family doesn't acknowledge her...at Thanksgiving, she wasn't included as being one of the grandchildren that my MIL was thankful for.  We've been told that we are obsessing over our dead child, but that's all we know how to do.  We don't want her forgotten.

I see a counselor (and have been since the initial diagnosis) and we did go to one support group that was helpful. 

Feel free to PM me and I can give you my email. 

roxyttandme

Just wanted to give you a big (((hug))). I am so sorry that you are going through this. 

DavezWife

Oh "Miss Bread".... I'm so sorry. Those seem like such silly little words, but I'm sitting here crying as I read your story... I can fear your hurt, tears, pain.

I hear what you're saying about acknowledging the sick/lost baby - we're already dealing with that... family/friends say "how is The Baby doing?" (I'm almost 20 weeks along) and I have to remind them there's two in there to ask about. ( they mean well, blah blah....)

I'd love to talk to you more if you felt up to it. PLEASE be selfish in your needs if it's not what you need right now... I'll totally understand. I'm not even sure what I need to ask you or know, but I have been looking for someone else "in my shoes" ... which sucks that someone else knows this pain.

anywho, my email is     d  avi  d_and_tra  cie  at  ya  hooo      if you want. Thank you for sharing your story, and my thoughts are with you and your family, and all your beautiful children.

 

DavezWife

roxyttandme:

Just wanted to give you a big (((hug))). I am so sorry that you are going through this. 

thank you. (and to the others offering up some hugs as well. It's funny, I used to HATE the idea of hugs, and esp the idea of cyber ones. Now? It's gotten to be a very comforting thing over the years of our struggles.)

 

Carolee

I'm so very sorry this is happening to you.