Is this normal? re: sharing a room

CurlyQ284

My SDs have always shared a room. We had space for seperate rooms at our last house but they didn't want to. They are now 9 & 10 and they are rarely in a room alone because they are scared. This means thy go to the bathroom with the door open, when we outlawed that, they go together. When one is in the shower, the other sits on the toilet. They don't turn the fan on because its scary, they are scared to lock the door when they are in the bathroom, sometimes the 10yo crawls into the 9yo bed, thy both have a twin so its small. I don't get this, I always had my own room, the door was frequently locked, and I really can't relate to this. Is this normal for kids who share a room? They can't learn to be alone? Or is this an issue?

MarSamWhitney

Do you live in the boonies or something? I do think its a little odd. Hopefully in a few years they will outgrow this. I know at 12 and 13 I did NOT want to share a room. lol

CurlyQ284

Kind of. We live on a rental house about 3 minutes outside a DC suburb. We are on a 10 acre farm with my landlords house and there is one other house on our dirt road but they did this when they were younger and lived in a subdivision. I kept expecting them to grow out of it but they haven't. I've noticed this a lot with them, my brother and I were a lot more independent than they are but I don't have any other frame of reference so I thought I'd post here.

hopanka

Wanting to share a room with a sibling at that age is completely normal. I loved sharing a room with my bro. It was a lot more fun then being alone. I'm sure it depends on the relationship between the sibs, but it seems like they are tight, so it's completely natural that they don't want to be apart. Now, what's concerning is the extreme anxiety and fear....of what?? Have you asked them? Is it because they have been exposed to lots of scary movies? Is somebody scaring them? You should find out whats behind that because that sounds like irrational anxiety and that's not normal.

LiebeMama

I was sharing a room at that age... Not by choice though.

CurlyQ284

Let me clarify, I dont think there is anything wrong with sharing a room, whether by choice or circumstance. I just wanted to include that piece of the puzzle. A more relevant piece might be the fear of the dark thing. One night in summer 2010 we lost power and older SD was freaking out at bedtime. We explained to her that she sleeps with the lights off anyway but it took her a while to calm down. In the morning, both SDs were in her bed and she had wet it. Now that I'm "talking" this out, they both talk about being scared, but younger SD is more likely to power through it. Older SD tends to fuss and freak out. She is the one who started the team bathroom trips and she is the one crawling into bed with younger SD....they will be back for Christmas so ill see if I can root it out with older SD then, and see what this is all about.

CurlyQ284

I do know that she has seen scary movies. They saw I Am Legend years ago, and they saw another one that was pretty bad with their mom/moms family. I feel like such a dummy, I kept focusing on what to tell her to calm down and didn't ask why she was scared in the first place. DH and BM split when older SD was a toddler and younger SD was an infant (infidelity issue). They don't remember them ever being together but I could see them having trouble with DH living far away. We are 8 hours away, so we have summers and split holidays but they are VERY close with DH in spite of it, so I could see them being upset by it.

Littlejen22

I am so skeptical and hate to be an alarmist but are there any signs of sexual or physical abuse that would make them scared to be alone?  I guess that would not make sense about going to the bathroom with the door open though so that might disprove my thought anyway.  It is not normal for kids that age to be that scared, I would try to keep talking to them without judgment about what scares them.

CurlyQ284

I don't think so. Right when we got them in the summer, they were having health issues with their private parts. I took them to the doctor, she asked me and the girls questions, examined them etc. One had nothing wrong, the other had an infection that cleared up with meds. The doctor did say she saw no evidence of abuse (not just the exam but behavior as well). I was worried about it cause on here, everyone always brings that up but the doc ruled it out. I'll talk to them at Christmas, cause they can't be happy being scared all the time.

Nineoceans

It could just be staying in a different environment if you're the NCP. I know when SS first moved in he wouldn't go upstairs to his room or the bathroom alone because he was scared. Now that he's lived with us full time for several months he runs this place and isn't afraid to be alone in any area of the house.

+j+k+

maybe you have ghosts

+j+k+

In all seriousness tho...if that were me and my sister in that kind of a situation, I would SO prefer to share a room with her.  She and I were tight and bonded when we were that age. We slowly went our own ways as we grew into our teens and then we were right back together for 4 years in college - parted for a couple of years -then lived together again for another 5-6 years before we parted permenantly when in our 30's.  We're just that close. More than likely we will live together and take care of each other again when we are old and widowed.

I think it's normal for sisters to bond like that, but the behavior where they are scared like that. That part is not normal. Something's up. And it could be as simple as it gets them attention to be that extreme about it.  You know what I mean?  Any kind of attention - even bad - is attention.

If there are no signs of abuse then I'd keep an eye out for something, but not make too big of a fuss.  Nurture them in a normal way but don't get obsessive or overly dramatic about it and that might be enough to settle them down a little.

J&A2008

I would keep the conversation open.  I know our oldest has had issues like this.  He always used to ask our middle child to go everywhere with him and in first grade, he wouldn't go to the bathroom in the school because he was scared of  it.

He's got some anxiety issues stemming from when he was very little.  When BM lost custody, she was using drugs and was passing out during the day.  He was two, and was alone with her.  We believe it was just a short time that he experienced this, but I think in some ways he's still recovering from it.

He's better now.  He and his brother used to sleep together.  When our middle child turned 4, we moved him to his own room.  We were worried our middle child would be afraid of sleeping in his own room, but at the end, he was counting down the days because he couldn't wait, and our oldest was fighting it.

Now our oldest sleeps upstairs in the attic on his own and it's been years since he's made his brother go turn on a light for him or go with him to an empty room.  We had many conversations about what he was afraid of or what was concerning him.  His biggest fear was that he didn't want to be alone, because of the insecurity he still felt sometimes. 

Are your SDs in therapy?

Schrodinger

+j+k+:

I think it's normal for sisters to bond like that, but the behavior where they are scared like that. That part is not normal. Something's up. And it could be as simple as it gets them attention to be that extreme about it.  You know what I mean?  Any kind of attention - even bad - is attention.

After we moved from our rental into our house, SD's starting playing the "I'm scared" game at night.  We gave them flashlights for the room and asked questions like "name the three things in the room that scare you the most."  And they never could come up with anything.  We had a babysitter one night and there wasn't a peep from the girls about being scared.  They never mention being scared unless DH is home.  Its definitely an attention thing with them.  We've semi-solved the problem by giving them the tools they need to fix the problem for themselves (lights, white noise, etc.) and we don't go upstairs to comfort them when they start whining about being scared.  Its slowly getting better at bedtime now. 

TheBuddha

Nineoceans:

It could just be staying in a different environment if you're the NCP. I know when SS first moved in he wouldn't go upstairs to his room or the bathroom alone because he was scared. Now that he's lived with us full time for several months he runs this place and isn't afraid to be alone in any area of the house.

I agree with this.  It could be that it is a home that they are just not quite as comfortable in.  When my SS moved in with us (he was 7) he would shower with the shower curtain open and the door open.  I had to get a clear shower curtain liner so that he wouldn't cry in the shower.  He would NEVER go upstairs alone, and if I went upstairs, he would follow me up b/c he didn't want to be downstairs alone.

He has lived with us for almost a year now and now he is fine.  We still have the clear shower curtain up, but I didn't want to test him on that yet.

Also, one of our problems was BM was showing him scary stuff.  She would show  him scary movies and scary music videos and tell him stuff like "if you shower alone it is really scary, you should only shower when I am in the bathroom with you" (yes, BM sits on the toilet while SS showers, she sleeps in the same bed with him too).