Things are better with my mom

changingnames

ps I posted about my mom not being supportive. After a long conversation, during which she insisted she is supportive and I don't know what I am talking about(her style is to disavow anything she says or does that later bites her in the bottom). She said she was even thinking about going back to school and taking some classes in autism because things have obviously change so much in 25 years (to add to her masters and most of a doctorate in psych) which I told her sounded like a terrible idea because I want her to be his grandmother- not his doctor.

All in all though she is being really supportive and trying to be there for both of us. She still says the wrong thing sometimes but I can see that it is always because she doesn't know what to say and she is trying to make me feel better (when they told us he has to take private swim bc he is too disruptive in group she said repeatedly- you got kicked out of yamaha classes, dad would have gotten kicked out of swim, etc- and I'm ok with him having to switch to private, we could see that he was being too disruptive and his aba is going to help us work on skills so that he can return to group in the future and we will do private till then). She even found two special Ed schools in our area that go thru high school on google and was excitedly telling me how all the kids get into college etc. She has been asking how she can help and looking for autism friendly toys- heck she is buying him an iPad for Xmas because of the sixty minutes special. She has been playing with ds so actively that he asks for her almost every day now and she calls before she comes over!!!! I think/ hope that she has realized that she gets to see him almost as much minus the grumpy daughter this way versus when she just showed up.

. I don't know how long the peace will last. Dh is in shock that we are this close to turkey day and haven't seen her go crazy yet since the holidays usually mean melt down city for her. I was very clear with her that ds is old enough to be affected by her behavior and that dh and I agree that we don't want him thinking her anxiety attacks/tantrums are an appropriate way for a person to behave and will have to leave if she acts like she has at every other holiday in my memory. She told me she wants me to be nice to her at the holidays which I will try to do. I have gotten to the point of having a lot of anxiety over her anxiety bc I am always waiting for the tantrum that I will have to clean up and Rae ting her for putting me in that place. A ten year old should not be begging her mom to take a Valium and have a glass of wine, KWIM? Anyhow dh and I have a plan in place to spend the majority of Christmas at our own house watching Xmas videos and playing with toys in our pajamas. We are just going over for the meal and they can join us for outside playtime so that should limit our exposure. Dh promises he will not leave me alone with her at any time since she is less likely to unleash the crazy with him there especially since he will mock her if she does . Somehow he is the only one who gets away with that.

thefuturemrskudla

-auntie-:

Your mother sounds a little nuts.

Do you think maybe your son's issues are related to hers? The over-the-top anxiety and the almost obsessive sudden interest in autism are very like adults I know on spectrum. Looking at high schools, signing up for grad courses and buying expensive electronics for preschoolers is behavior without appropriate adult boundaries.

I think you plan to present as a unit, to damp down the crazy, is a good one.

Ha, I can tell you're not from Manhattan, where this behavior is the norm and from people who are otherwise otherwise quite sane and well-adjusted.

changingnames

thefuturemrskudla:

-auntie-:

Your mother sounds a little nuts.

Do you think maybe your son's issues are related to hers? The over-the-top anxiety and the almost obsessive sudden interest in autism are very like adults I know on spectrum. Looking at high schools, signing up for grad courses and buying expensive electronics for preschoolers is behavior without appropriate adult boundaries.

I think you plan to present as a unit, to damp down the crazy, is a good one.

Ha, I can tell you're not from Manhattan, where this behavior is the norm and from people who are otherwise otherwise quite sane and well-adjusted.

lol though she grew up in California she lived her young adult life on the upper west side and will always consider herself a New Yorkers . Where we live it isn't strange to buy preschools iPads, in fact I know at least two oth kids in his class have them. She doesn't have a job, has full time household help, and likes to study so sitting around googling things is right up her alley. Once upon a time she was a teacher so she puts tremendous importance on where the kids will go to school etc.

for the last 15 years or so she mostly talks about doing things, I don't know if she would actually go out and dooooo anything, like take a class. It would be really good for her to go out into the world and do something other than sit around and create worry about ridiculous things but the last thing I want her doing is taking a class on autism and getting up in our business. No thank you!

changingnames

But yes auntie she is a little nuts. It is always a balancing act for me trying to assure myself that yes in fact her behavior is inappropriate/crazy/not ok and it isn't just that I am crazy as she would have me believe. I have after all grown up with it. It's hard when she just insists things didn't happen but it is nice to have dh around since he is right there to say "no you heard her right, she DID say that and it WAS crazy". I keep telling her not to be shocked when I start taping our conversations to playback. Dh showed me how to do it with my phone but in the end that would just cause more drama. I'm starting to think she lies to herself so much that she actually doesn't remember doing/saying these things maybe a survival technique from her childhood?

I'm probably going to have to start accepting that she is old and set in her crazy azz ways. As crazy and hurtful as she can be, she would do anything for her family. If I called her in the middle of the night she would be here in a flash to give me the shirt off her back. She would drop anything or give anything up for us and that is more than a lot of people get from their parents. Just trying to be thankful for the good parts.

recently she has been respecting my request that she calls before coming over and in general has been nicer so lt night i told her i appreciated how nice she has been lately and she said "i always try to be nice to you." and i said "well lately you have been succeding." my dad nearly snorted.

auntie- I started writing a reply to your reply in my Previous post. It just takes me awhile with formatting on my iPad but I'll get it up there . Thank you for the great ideas and info .