I feel forgotten & I think it's my own fault

weddedwife

When this all happened, we said that we wanted to grieve privately. I didn't actually talk to anyone, just spread it through word of mouth & on my fb status. It was all I could bear to do. I couldn't handle making endless phone calls & having to explain. I couldn't bear the thought of coming home to a house full of sympathy cards and flowers- I thought I'd lose it.

Well, it's been almost 3 weeks and I've only heard from one friend. Got a couple of texts and one email. Not a single card. No one has called except my sister. DH says that I'm going to have to be the one to reach out to my friends & family and let them in. I'm not feeling like I have any extra energy to reach out. I'm barely hanging on as it is.

Did anyone else experience this? I realize that I got what I asked for. I just didn't think that everyone would stay away. I didn't want to talk about it in the beginning because I physically couldn't get the words out. Even my in-laws, who have been over quite a bit helping w/ DD, have never even said a word about what happened. Not even an "I'm sorry", nada. I feel like there's a giant invisible elephant in the room.

magdalina.h

Start a blog and send the link out to your friends and family. That's how I got everything out 1 time to everyone. I told them ask me how I'm feeling and mean it. Ask me about my child, you will NOT make me cry by asking, but you WILL make me cry for ignoring my child.

Auki13

magdalina.h:

Start a blog and send the link out to your friends and family. That's how I got everything out 1 time to everyone. I told them ask me how I'm feeling and mean it. Ask me about my child, you will NOT make me cry by asking, but you WILL make me cry for ignoring my child.

This is a good idea.  I have a blog too, and I feel that even though people still don't want to talk to me at least I am getting everything I need out there to others.  I know for a fact that people are reading it and that makes me feel like Annabelle's story is getting passed on. 

nidawi6

The same happened to me. I jumped back into work before anybody expected, I told my boss to spread the news and just tell my coworkers to treat me as normal. I had my mom break the news to a few key family members and friends and let the news spread. Everybody was told to give me space. And yet I sometimes wonder where some of these friends were when I needed them. I have to remember I made them stay away.

Some people knew just what to do. My best friend took off of work to sit with me at the hospital and watch crappy television shows until they released me. Another friend called me everyday for about a week or two. My aunt came down to stay with my mom, she cooked me months worth of food. Most people though, didn't know what to say or do. The first week I was in shock, so I'm glad I had limited visitors anyway. But a few weeks later, I could have used some more support. Such a terrible thing to live through, I have more compassion for grieving mothers than ever.

Shayna0182

It's been in my experience, that the first few weeks, I had gotten tons of support, calls, texts etc, but after that people just thought I would go back to "normal" and be the same person I was. 

Loss changes everything about you.  What you think, what you believe, how you feel about the most mundane events.  I've said it before that I thought losing a baby at 17 weeks was more isolating than losing a baby at 29 weeks.  For me, that proved to be true.  I think family and friends didn't consider me a mother, and couldn't understand why I was still grieving.  

I agree with other pp.  Start a blog.  Give your family and friends the invite to read it.  I started one, but mine just became my own diary so I changed the settings to where only I can read it.  It feels nice to be able to freely express myself without having to censor how I feel for anyone else.   

 

Petunia844

We did the same thing, I was stuck in the hospital for almost a week because my blood pressure wouldn't go back to normal and after I got out of there we left town for almost another week.  We sent out an email to our family/friends telling them what happened and asking for space to grieve.  I know my mom continued to talk to most of them because people were worried about us, but after those two weeks I realized I wanted to be able to talk to people... women are supposed to share their birth stories and I wanted to share mine.  Since we had asked people to give us space I knew I had to reach out first.  That was hard, but I'm so glad I did, it helps me to let people in.  I hope you are able to find the support you need.  ((hugs))

hewinked

magdalina.h:

Start a blog and send the link out to your friends and family. That's how I got everything out 1 time to everyone. I told them ask me how I'm feeling and mean it. Ask me about my child, you will NOT make me cry by asking, but you WILL make me cry for ignoring my child.

Great idea.  I've been really open about my grief, but as the months pass on, I limit what I say on Facebook (which is how I keep in touch with family and friends back home).  No one has ever told me to stop, but I figure they don't wanna hear about it all the time.  So I blog everything out.  I had the link on Facebook for a long time, and those that choose to keep reading can and do. 

starrkitten89

Shayna0182:

It's been in my experience, that the first few weeks, I had gotten tons of support, calls, texts etc, but after that people just thought I would go back to "normal" and be the same person I was. 

Loss changes everything about you.  What you think, what you believe, how you feel about the most mundane events.  I've said it before that I thought losing a baby at 17 weeks was more isolating than losing a baby at 29 weeks.  For me, that proved to be true.  I think family and friends didn't consider me a mother, and couldn't understand why I was still grieving.  

I agree with other pp.  Start a blog.  Give your family and friends the invite to read it.  I started one, but mine just became my own diary so I changed the settings to where only I can read it.  It feels nice to be able to freely express myself without having to censor how I feel for anyone else.   

 

This was me too.People were very supportive,but I feel like after the first month or so,most people kind of expected me to just be normal again.But not too normal-then I was putting on act (at least according to my IL's,which is another whole long story).

I don't blog,but I do keep a written journal just for me.I think a blog is a wonderful idea though.

pb127

magdalina.h:

Start a blog and send the link out to your friends and family. That's how I got everything out 1 time to everyone. I told them ask me how I'm feeling and mean it. Ask me about my child, you will NOT make me cry by asking, but you WILL make me cry for ignoring my child.

This is a wonderful idea  I do feel a little like people have forgotten sometimes, but I also feel like people are not sure why I am still grieving so much. ((hugs))

Cygal

It is so hard to know where the line is. We have had lots of support but now it is starting to wane a little bit.

I've seen my friends in lots of different social settings and sometimes I almost feel like they are just waiting for me to bring up Trace. I will if it works itself into the conversation. I also enjoy blogging and lots of family/friends really like it because sometimes those emotions you are feeling just don't pop up in a regular conversation when you are on the phone with your grandma or whatever. I've also been trying to scale back my facebooking but anytime I post any little thing I just get a ton of responses so I know that people just want to know that I am doing okay and they are thinking about me.

I know that people are thinking about you also and they care. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. It is humbling for sure but people want to help. If a friend had lost her baby and she needed me to bring her over coffee and come talk or bring her a meal or take her children, I would not hesitate to say no. Sometimes people just need to be asked.

Hang in there. *hugs*