Babies: 3 - 6 Months

Should I play Dr. Phil...(vent, long and advice needed)

When DH and I first started dating we both lived in VA, he lived on the same road as his parents and i lived about 45 min away. Eventually I moved in with DH, so for the majority of our dating we were very close in proxomity to his family. Then as our wedding was getting close DH asked me where I wanted to live, for good, in VA or in PA where I'm from.

So the week after we get back from our honeymoon we moved to PA. My MIL was not happy at all about us moving. She had said to various family members that "it wouldnt last and He will come back" I ignored all the comments and just focused on packing and finding a new job and place to live. Then a month after we move I find out that I'm pregnant with DD...

 What should be such a happy thing was turned in to one huge guilty trip my my MIL. All we ever heard is that she will never get to see the baby, and she's going to miss out on her growing up. My DH assured her that she would see the baby and we would split the trips, She could some up to visit and we would come down. Not putting all the traveling on one person.

So we made our trips while i was pregnant, gonig down for birthdays and holidays, but they never came up to see us. Then DD was born and 1.5 months later we were yet again making the 4 hour trip to see everyone.

This was the trip that would change everything. We ended up sharing a twin bed at my MIL house, and squeezing the PnP in the room wtih us. My DH had mentioned staying at his sisters house, and his Mom threw a fit, about how she wasn't going to get to see us and how she's already missed the first month of the baby. So my DH caved and we crammed ourselves into her small house.

DH let his mother know that for one out of the four days that we were there we were going to meet up with our friends who we havent seen since the wedding and have lunch. My MIL made sure to tell us that she had taken a lasgna out for dinner, and it would be ready at 5. After lunch we head back to her house and as we are pullin in the drive way we see that she's invited guest. There are 3 other (non family member) people that are there for dinner. One of which is her bestfriend, who is constantly sick and in the hospital.

I'm ashamed to say I lost it on DH. I had been holding it all in and simply smiling and nodding when his mother would demmand things and complain about where we lived. But this was the straw that broke the camels back. I went in the house, went to our room and put DD in the PnP and told DH i was not bringing her out untill they were gone. I didn't want my newborn passed around by people that were constantly sick.

DH agreed and we left DD asleep in the PnP while we ate then i went back to the room and layed on the bed and waited for DH. When he came back to the room so did my MIL. She was very upset about "Me keeping the baby from people" Thankfully DH handeled the situation and told her that we didnt want anyone that was sick being around her and that she was sleeping and we were tiered too. So we stayed in the room and didnt see anyone for the rest of the night.

When we finally went to leave and head back home She acted as if everything was fine. Hugs and "i'm goig to miss you's" and that's the last we've heard from her. Normally she was texting or calling atleast 3 times a week, and it's been 3 months and we've heard nothing.

Last week I was talking to my niece (DH's sisters DD) and she asked if we were coming down for thanksgiving, i told her no. DH's work has been slow and we cant afford to go down for tahnksgiving and christmas. So we would be splitting the holidays and doing thanksgiving with my family and christmas with them. My niece was sad but at 16 she understood. She then said "grandma wanted to know what you guys were doing, she said she figuered you were not coming down. and she's blaming you, but i told her that she needs to stop and that you both made the decision" This upset me beyone belief, do not put a child in the middle of this.

And I'm not even sure what "this" is. I come from a family where if something is wrong it's addressed and dealt with. We may yell and get mad, but we are very fast to get over it, make up and move on. DH's family is the total opposite. They do not talk about anything, pretend everything is ok, but have this secret beef with you.

So here are the questions,

 what do i do about christmas? where should we stay SIL or MIL's?

Should I just let my DH handle the situation?

(Honestly, my feelings will not be hurt) Did I do anything wrong?

TIA!

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Re: Should I play Dr. Phil...(vent, long and advice needed)

  • Thats definitely a wack situation, but I can definitely relate, as we live about an hour from my bf's parents and 4 hours from mine.  My own mother is constantly complaining about never getting to see the baby (even though I go down to see my family for 4 or 5 days every 5 weeks or so), and then there's the opposite, my boyfriend's family assumes that because they are so close(ish) that means they can come over every weekend, or whenever they want, totally unannounced.  I've had to fight it out with both my mom and my boyfriend's mom, about putting unnecessary and additional stressors on a brand new family.  My mom has learned to deal with it, but unfortunately we're still working on getting my bf's mom to respect our boundaries and our privacy.  The only way to solve problems like these is communication, so either you or your husband has to have a serious talk with your MIL about needing a serious attitude adjustment, the pressure cannot be on you guys all the time!  I am sure she would be welcome to visit you at your home, yet she doesn't, so why should you have to constantly go out of your way to accomodate her wants?  Especially with a small baby??

    Just my opinion.. but I think you all should talk it out!!  It might be awk/uncomfortable at first but it is the ONLY way to clear the air..

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  • I have a similar situation (my family tells/yells everything, and my ILs are VERY passive aggressive/reserved). 

    imagebprice87:

     what do i do about christmas? where should we stay SIL or MIL's?  Still go, but stay with SIL.  Your MIL is being ridiculous, and if she hasn't talked to you in 3 months, my guess is she didn't invite you to stay with her?  That said, MIL is your LO's grandmother and I do think as parents we have a responsibility to at least try to let them bond, no matter how much you feel like screaming at your MIL (which I always do).

    Should I just let my DH handle the situation?  Yes.  His mother, his problem.  If you have it out with her, she'll pretend like everything is fine, but it won't be - you're not her daughter, she just won't have the same ability to forgive and forget like she will with DH.  Your parents are your responsibility, his parents are his.

    (Honestly, my feelings will not be hurt) Did I do anything wrong?  No. If I've learned anything these past 4 months, it's that babies can make formerly normal family members become insane.  I wouldn't have let my newborn be passed around by a bunch of sickies either.

    TIA!

    __________________________________________________________

    DS1 born 08.02.11

    DS2 born 12.05.13

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  • I hear you; I also come from a family that fights and then gets over it fast, and my step-family is the secret grudge-holding trash-talking type.

    The only way to handle it is to play their game.  She's going to have her secret beef with you no matter what you do, so just act all sweet and nice to her even though you can't stand her, stand up for yourself if and when she actually confronts you (like you did when you said you weren't going to pass the baby around), avoid her as much as possible, and let DH handle the rest.

    That might be bad advice, but that's what I would do! 

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  • My family if there is a problem it is talked about and handled civilly. DHs family is another story.  When something goes wrong all degrees of hell breaks out especially when MIL is involved. Usually resulting in words exchanged that shouldn't have been.  MIL used to blame a lot of stuff on me and utterly hated me when DH and I 1st got together and got married.
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  • I don't think you've done anything wrong. Some families just have some major crazies in them.

    Let DH handle the situation. It's his mother/family, he needs to be the one doing the majority of the intervening/laying down the law/making the plans/whatever.

    I'd stay with SIL if I were you. Grandma will still get to see the baby, you can spend the day there and just retreat to SIL's at night or even have MIL over to SIL's house, whatever. But, 1. for the sake of space and 2. for the sake of peace/sanity I'd not be staying at MIL's house at all.

      FWIW - my parents and my DH's parents literally live around the corner from each other (like maybe 6 houses apart) and we never stay at his family's house. There's more room at my parent's house, but that's not the real reason. It's just less stress for us to stay at my parent's house. We did this before DD and we continue to do it now. They get to see us when we come over during the day and when we go out and do things with them, but we have our safe haven to "come home to" at my parents house. I think they were a little jealous at first, but now it seems as though everyone is happy because things are definitely less tense between DH's mom and us this way.

    GL! 

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  • Thanks everyone for the GREAT advice! It's nice to know that i'm not the only one with crazies in the family!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic little monkey head
  • I would stay at your SIL's house. and I would tell your DH that's how it's going to have to be, for your sanity, and have him take care of it. You don't want to be the one starting a fight, because your in laws sound like they are the kind of people that will tear you apart for not "really" being part of the family and saying something. I'm dealing with issues with my in laws as well for the holidays. DH's parents are divorced, his mom lives 10 minutes from us, his dad lives 35 minutes from us. It makes for lots of going around everywhere, and for some reason we're expected to make the 35 minute drive to his dad's on Christmas eve, which is when my extended family's Christmas party is, and that's pretty much the one time a year that I see them, and his dad, dad's girlfriend, brother and sister will be there, then we're supposed to be back up and at his grandpa's house (dad's dad), with the exact same people, plus an aunt and some cousins, at 8am, then go to his mom's then go to my parents house. All this with an infant, in the cold, who doesn't like car rides. Score! I was complaining to my dad about this last night and he just laughed and said "Time to pay your dues" lol GL!
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