When DH and I first started dating we both lived in VA, he lived on the same road as his parents and i lived about 45 min away. Eventually I moved in with DH, so for the majority of our dating we were very close in proxomity to his family. Then as our wedding was getting close DH asked me where I wanted to live, for good, in VA or in PA where I'm from.
So the week after we get back from our honeymoon we moved to PA. My MIL was not happy at all about us moving. She had said to various family members that "it wouldnt last and He will come back" I ignored all the comments and just focused on packing and finding a new job and place to live. Then a month after we move I find out that I'm pregnant with DD...
What should be such a happy thing was turned in to one huge guilty trip my my MIL. All we ever heard is that she will never get to see the baby, and she's going to miss out on her growing up. My DH assured her that she would see the baby and we would split the trips, She could some up to visit and we would come down. Not putting all the traveling on one person.
So we made our trips while i was pregnant, gonig down for birthdays and holidays, but they never came up to see us. Then DD was born and 1.5 months later we were yet again making the 4 hour trip to see everyone.
This was the trip that would change everything. We ended up sharing a twin bed at my MIL house, and squeezing the PnP in the room wtih us. My DH had mentioned staying at his sisters house, and his Mom threw a fit, about how she wasn't going to get to see us and how she's already missed the first month of the baby. So my DH caved and we crammed ourselves into her small house.
DH let his mother know that for one out of the four days that we were there we were going to meet up with our friends who we havent seen since the wedding and have lunch. My MIL made sure to tell us that she had taken a lasgna out for dinner, and it would be ready at 5. After lunch we head back to her house and as we are pullin in the drive way we see that she's invited guest. There are 3 other (non family member) people that are there for dinner. One of which is her bestfriend, who is constantly sick and in the hospital.
I'm ashamed to say I lost it on DH. I had been holding it all in and simply smiling and nodding when his mother would demmand things and complain about where we lived. But this was the straw that broke the camels back. I went in the house, went to our room and put DD in the PnP and told DH i was not bringing her out untill they were gone. I didn't want my newborn passed around by people that were constantly sick.
DH agreed and we left DD asleep in the PnP while we ate then i went back to the room and layed on the bed and waited for DH. When he came back to the room so did my MIL. She was very upset about "Me keeping the baby from people" Thankfully DH handeled the situation and told her that we didnt want anyone that was sick being around her and that she was sleeping and we were tiered too. So we stayed in the room and didnt see anyone for the rest of the night.
When we finally went to leave and head back home She acted as if everything was fine. Hugs and "i'm goig to miss you's" and that's the last we've heard from her. Normally she was texting or calling atleast 3 times a week, and it's been 3 months and we've heard nothing.
Last week I was talking to my niece (DH's sisters DD) and she asked if we were coming down for thanksgiving, i told her no. DH's work has been slow and we cant afford to go down for tahnksgiving and christmas. So we would be splitting the holidays and doing thanksgiving with my family and christmas with them. My niece was sad but at 16 she understood. She then said "grandma wanted to know what you guys were doing, she said she figuered you were not coming down. and she's blaming you, but i told her that she needs to stop and that you both made the decision" This upset me beyone belief, do not put a child in the middle of this.
And I'm not even sure what "this" is. I come from a family where if something is wrong it's addressed and dealt with. We may yell and get mad, but we are very fast to get over it, make up and move on. DH's family is the total opposite. They do not talk about anything, pretend everything is ok, but have this secret beef with you.
So here are the questions,
what do i do about christmas? where should we stay SIL or MIL's?
Should I just let my DH handle the situation?
(Honestly, my feelings will not be hurt) Did I do anything wrong?
TIA!
Re: Should I play Dr. Phil...(vent, long and advice needed)
Thats definitely a wack situation, but I can definitely relate, as we live about an hour from my bf's parents and 4 hours from mine. My own mother is constantly complaining about never getting to see the baby (even though I go down to see my family for 4 or 5 days every 5 weeks or so), and then there's the opposite, my boyfriend's family assumes that because they are so close(ish) that means they can come over every weekend, or whenever they want, totally unannounced. I've had to fight it out with both my mom and my boyfriend's mom, about putting unnecessary and additional stressors on a brand new family. My mom has learned to deal with it, but unfortunately we're still working on getting my bf's mom to respect our boundaries and our privacy. The only way to solve problems like these is communication, so either you or your husband has to have a serious talk with your MIL about needing a serious attitude adjustment, the pressure cannot be on you guys all the time! I am sure she would be welcome to visit you at your home, yet she doesn't, so why should you have to constantly go out of your way to accomodate her wants? Especially with a small baby??
Just my opinion.. but I think you all should talk it out!! It might be awk/uncomfortable at first but it is the ONLY way to clear the air..
I have a similar situation (my family tells/yells everything, and my ILs are VERY passive aggressive/reserved).
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DS1 born 08.02.11
DS2 born 12.05.13
I hear you; I also come from a family that fights and then gets over it fast, and my step-family is the secret grudge-holding trash-talking type.
The only way to handle it is to play their game. She's going to have her secret beef with you no matter what you do, so just act all sweet and nice to her even though you can't stand her, stand up for yourself if and when she actually confronts you (like you did when you said you weren't going to pass the baby around), avoid her as much as possible, and let DH handle the rest.
That might be bad advice, but that's what I would do!
I don't think you've done anything wrong. Some families just have some major crazies in them.
Let DH handle the situation. It's his mother/family, he needs to be the one doing the majority of the intervening/laying down the law/making the plans/whatever.
I'd stay with SIL if I were you. Grandma will still get to see the baby, you can spend the day there and just retreat to SIL's at night or even have MIL over to SIL's house, whatever. But, 1. for the sake of space and 2. for the sake of peace/sanity I'd not be staying at MIL's house at all.
FWIW - my parents and my DH's parents literally live around the corner from each other (like maybe 6 houses apart) and we never stay at his family's house. There's more room at my parent's house, but that's not the real reason. It's just less stress for us to stay at my parent's house. We did this before DD and we continue to do it now. They get to see us when we come over during the day and when we go out and do things with them, but we have our safe haven to "come home to" at my parents house. I think they were a little jealous at first, but now it seems as though everyone is happy because things are definitely less tense between DH's mom and us this way.
GL!