Turkey Day Woes...

2moms2twins

So ... we are making Thanksgiving here at our new house our first time doing a formal dinner  Both sets of parents are coming and M's Bro and SIL ( not a fan of her) are coming with their kids and my aunts and uncles and my moms BFF's  so about 20 people...

M's dad was just in rehab and doing well ... her family has some alcohol issues... so we were thinking of doing a Dry Thanksgiving .. My family is not big drinkers  but they like a drink here or there especially on special occasions and so what to do ...

Just cuz her fam cant handle their alky does it mean my fam has to forgo something they see a privilege or special occasion.  Her parents spent tons of money on this program for her dad but her mom still pours vodka in her drinks and he drink the "free wine"  so ....

WHAT DO I DO .... any thought ... I have no idea about addiction I dont understand it because I do not have a addictive personality ...

Honestly, I dont care that her dad is or was a drunk but i care because he is a SEVERE DIABETIC and when he drinks he does not mantain and or monitor his blood sugar and he was practically 3 sheets to the wind a few times... really close to a diabetic coma .. and that is scary - I dont wish him I'll at all I really like him but c'mon you are a grown man .... I just dont get it ... and her mom which I have had issues in the past and we are just starting to come around  again but she just is an enabler!!!!

 WHAT TO DO ...

2moms2twins

Oh i forgot to add that It really upsets me that she (m Mom ) does not support her husband and it really irks me because i worry that if they were to ever watch our girls ... I would be fuming if they drank ... so this is a sore subject for me.. but not my parents so hmm...

tdmklm

That's a tough one. Sorry you have to make that decision!

No advice here yet - I'll have to think about it. I guess what I will say is that when my own dad was just out of rehab, everyone was very mindful and didn't drink around him. After a while (a few months), as everyone realized this time it was serious for him and he wouldn't relapse, people got more comfortable drinking in his presence. He's 19 years dry and counting.

2moms2twins

tdmk love that he is 19years sober.... FIL is only like 80 days  but still better than not.  Its just really frusterating to me ... We really dont care that he is an alcoholic .. I know that sounds bad its more that he drinks and cant maintain he blood sugar and then he is CLOSE TO DEATH  or near a diabetic coma...

Sigh..

thanks again and glad to hear your dad realizes there are better things in life...

Kershnic

If I were in your shoes I think I would have a dry Thanksgiving, and warn your parents ahead of time that it's coming.  It's not hugely important to your family, and it could be hugely important for M's.  The fact that her mom is not that supportive of his sobriety does not need to have anything to do with whether you and M are supportive.  Fighting addiction is tough; most people need all the support they can get. 

Two*True

Have you simply asked your FIL what he is most comfortable with? If he is taking this sobriety seriously I'm going to assume that he will tell you which atmosphere he would prefer. 

ctbride08

i have to agree with mommy monster.  I also have a family member who is approx 80 days sober and there is no way I will drink or serve alcohol in his presence for a long time.  Just because other people arent supporting his sobriety doesnt give you a reason not to.

leapgirl8

We've never served alcohol at Thanksgiving in my family, so this would be a non-issue for us. One side of Jen's family keeps beers in the garage for those who want them, but they don't come inside. It's your first time hosting, so it's not like you have to live up to some tradition. If your gut says don't serve alcohol, don't do it. Good luck hosting, should be fun!

nevr2amazin

"Oh i forgot to add that It really upsets me that she (m Mom ) does not support her husband..."

This may be the answer to your question. As already stated earlier alcoholism is a disease. While 80 days sounds like a long time, in the grand scheme of alcoholism it is only a miniscule amount of time.

 

LV1979

I have spent a significant amount of time working with alcoholics and have been to more AA meeting than I can count when I was working at a rehab facility.  If your family is not huge on the drinking front and they are not getting fall down drunk on holidays I would say alcohol is fine.

Here is my reasoning.  I have had conversations with those in recovery about the difficulties beding exposed to alcohol in social settings and they said it is harder being constantly asked about it when there isnt alcohol.  If you make it a dry thanksgiving it is going to draw attention to him no matter how discrete you are about it.  The fact of the matter is that this is a controlled environment where there are people to hold him accountable.  Also 20 people is a lot in one house and with so much activity going on there is a lot of other things to focus on.

If you want to support his recovery treat him like normal and allow him to work on himself.  As a former diabetic though (my weight loss surgery cured me) make sure you try to have something diabetic friendly in the dessert department.  Hopefully being filled up on sugar free pumpkin pie (it is really easy to tweak recipes with splenda) will help out in making him feel supported and thought about. 
Which is what a newly recovering addict really needs.

Good luck and trust your judgement (and his) remember that you can support only so much but recovery is very much about the individual..

2moms2twins

themommymonster:

2moms2twins:

tdmk love that he is 19years sober.... FIL is only like 80 days  but still better than not.  Its just really frusterating to me ... We really dont care that he is an alcoholic .. I know that sounds bad its more that he drinks and cant maintain he blood sugar and then he is CLOSE TO DEATH  or near a diabetic coma...

Sigh..

thanks again and glad to hear your dad realizes there are better things in life...

 

I am sorry, but that just pissed me off.

 

Alcoholism is a DISEASE. It is a DISEASE that runs in my family as well as my DP's family.  My grandfather is an alcoholic. My brother is an alcoholic. DP's dad is an alcoholic. DP's uncle is an alcoholic. DP's aunt is an alcoholic. DP's cousin has been in and out of rehab this past year because she is an alcoholic. DP and I do not drink because alcoholism is so prevalent in our families.

While being 80 days sober is a great accomplishment I think it is far to soon to introduce your FIL to alcohol in a social setting.

If you really do not give a damn about him, let there be alcohol there.

Ohh I see what you mean ... I did not mean to offend anyone .. in this situation OUR FAMILIES situation ... if he was an alcoholic alone with out the diabetes it would be so much better ....I knwo that sounds awful but honestly I dont think anyone would care ( i know that sounds bad too - eesh this is so hard to explain) I would rather he just be an alcoholic and we can just deal with that and not both if he drank and was not diabetic we would not have the severity of issues we have granted we would have a entirely diff issue. 

I will say that i really dont understand addiction .. but thats not me saying it should be dismissed with M family  they all have addiction issued mainly with alcohol but no one is affected directly by it ( thank goodness for that ) with the exception of her Dad. 

I apologize Mommy Monster if I offended you .... Alcoholism or any addiction is serious and working at a Coroner Bureau I have seen first hand what it can do ... 

I feel that we are the only one supporting him and even his own wife is not supporting him in that she still hides a bottle and pours herself a drink when she sees fit ... so i am annoyed that Being the Daughter in law  that i care more than his wife which means   no one listens to me anyhow

- J

2moms2twins

Two*True:

Have you simply asked your FIL what he is most comfortable with? If he is taking this sobriety seriously I'm going to assume that he will tell you which atmosphere he would prefer. 

he actually told M that he is bringing fre champang which is an NON alcoholic champange .. which annoys me  even more.. because why even tempt yourself but suposedly his program said it was OK - (BULL *** )  AA and ALANON and most rehab programs tell you not to try any of these things as far as I know ...

Unfortunately I am prolly making a bigger deal than i should ( overthinking ) and M family is a sweep it under the rug type they dont discuss or talk about it .. so no I have not asked because its not my place and well M prolly wont say anything either 

2moms2twins

nevr2amazin:

"Oh i forgot to add that It really upsets me that she (m Mom ) does not support her husband..."

This may be the answer to your question. As already stated earlier alcoholism is a disease. While 80 days sounds like a long time, in the grand scheme of alcoholism it is only a minuscule amount of time.

 

oh this make me just as irate ...  when the girls were born and M dad was not here cuz he was in rehab she M' mom complaine dthe whole time how she missed him and wish he could be here I was so fed up and under duress with Girls in NICU that i said to her ... Seriously I rather he is ther getting the help he need so that he can attend their HS graduation ... so we dont have to attend his FUNERAL ... you would think that this would strike a nerve . NO SIREE BOB !

 80 days is nothing ... I know I call him up and talk to him and say good job and congrats and I bet its hard and if you need to talk Im here .. But i am pretty sure M mom does not think twice... and M need a lil kick of encouragement to talk to him .... Were not supposed to talk about it ... I HATE THAT  I hope my girls know that NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS and they can say talk to me about anything.

- J 

2moms2twins

LV1979:

I have spent a significant amount of time working with alcoholics and have been to more AA meeting than I can count when I was working at a rehab facility.  If your family is not huge on the drinking front and they are not getting fall down drunk on holidays I would say alcohol is fine.

Here is my reasoning.  I have had conversations with those in recovery about the difficulties beding exposed to alcohol in social settings and they said it is harder being constantly asked about it when there isnt alcohol.  If you make it a dry thanksgiving it is going to draw attention to him no matter how discrete you are about it.  The fact of the matter is that this is a controlled environment where there are people to hold him accountable.  Also 20 people is a lot in one house and with so much activity going on there is a lot of other things to focus on.

If you want to support his recovery treat him like normal and allow him to work on himself.  As a former diabetic though (my weight loss surgery cured me) make sure you try to have something diabetic friendly in the dessert department.  Hopefully being filled up on sugar free pumpkin pie (it is really easy to tweak recipes with splenda) will help out in making him feel supported and thought about. 
Which is what a newly recovering addict really needs.

Good luck and trust your judgement (and his) remember that you can support only so much but recovery is very much about the individual..

Oh thanks LV.. Makes sense i kind of figured that is how we may do it we are bot buying any alcohol but i am sure people will bring wine or what not... so ...

We always do diabetic friendly  he has been diabetic for a LONG time ... and is on a pump but we only cook with splenda and do sugar free where we can ... 

- J