February 2012 Moms

MY mom isn't excited

Hello, I haven't really gotten on here much throughout my pregnancy but now that it is getting closer to the end I find myself with all kinds of fears, thoughts, and worries.  So I figured you ladies would be good to talk about it with.

 This is my first pregnancy and I am 28 weeks.  My fiance and I are having a BOY.  We are very happy and excited about it.  Most people I find have issues with their MILs, well mine seems to be MY MOM *sigh* :-(

A little back story: my mom has never been girly or feminine.  She wears her hair short.  Dresses in slacks and dress shirts.  Doesn't wear jewelry or makeup and hasn't been one for girly stuff.  I've always accepted that.  She is my mom and I love her.  She raised myself and my 2 sisters as a single mom our whole lives.

Well, she doesn't seem to be excited about baby stuff.  She is the type of person who puts her opinion out there and often offends people (as do I), but lately she has been irritating the crap out of me.  My fiance and I didn't decided to get married until after we found out the news of our little one.  I think she looks down on him because of this.  Even though, BOTH of my sisters had their first children out of wedlock.  She says she will help out and she asks about doctor stuff.  But none of the cutesy stuff.

Also, we are planning our wedding.  We are going to have a nice, formal, elegant wedding after baby is here with about 130 guests.  It's going to cost about $4000 which isn't much as far as weddings go, but definitely is a lot for us.  That is just what we want.  My mom scoffs when I talk about wedding stuff or says nothing at all. I KNOW she thinks we are ridiculous for spending so much and for wanting something fancy.  She even told my sister that she didn't see why we just didn't go to the courthouse before the end of the year for tax purposes.

WELL....his family couldn't be happier about all this.  His sister is my best friend and she is my MOH and also planning my baby shower.  His parents are constantly asking about baby stuff AND wedding stuff.  His family is HUGE and all the extended family is even excited about it.

So my worry is that our kid is going to like his family more.  His parents are fun, grandparents who are always happy to help out.  And my mom....well....isn't.

(sorry so long, it was harder to explain in one post than I thought)

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Re: MY mom isn't excited

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    I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just because your mom isn't super excited now, doesn't mean that as the baby arrives (and grows up) your mom isn't going to be completely dedicated to the child. I don't think her lack of enthusiasm now represents the position she'll take forever. 
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    I'm sorry that you aren't feeling supported by your mom. It sounds like she just doesn't understand your choices; which is fine. However, she should respect you enough to be supportive, even if you do things she doesn't agree with. Have you tried to talk to her about how her behavior hurts your feelings? It sounds like she's being rude/distant/passive aggressive on purpose to get a point across, which is pretty immature, IMO.

    I'm glad your ILs are excited for you guys and it sounds like you have a good relationship with them, so at least there's that...

    Your mom may change her mind once she meets your little boy. Or maybe she won't. But it sounds like your LO is going to have at least one set of loving, attentive grandparents and plenty of other people who love him, too.

    As a final note, I wanted to add that if you are having a formal, elegant wedding with 130 guests for 4K, you deserve a medal. If I could pull that off, I'd be really proud. Don't let your mom rain on your parade.

    Elkanah Brave, born 02/06/2012 7:26am
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    Instead of comparing your mom to your in-laws and being sad that your LO won't have the same relationship with your mom, be happy that he will have a great relationship with one set of grandparents. Like PP said, your mom might change when he gets here, but if not, just make sure that you set your expectations accordingly for both you and your LO to avoid disappointment. My FIL is 73 and is very inactive. My dad is 55 and very active. The relationship that they will each have with our girls will be different, and that's okay. 

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    Im sorry that your mom isnt as excited as you'd like. Maybe your mom is worried that you will end up being a single parent like she was.

    My mom got married at 36 only after she found out she was pregnant with me,. Then she had my sister the fallowing year, and then seperated from my dad when I was 4. Then finally got devoriced when I was in middle school. So she was also a single parent and never remarried or dated!

    When I told my mom I was getting married she basically just balled, tried to talk me out of it, and never even said congratulations or Im happy for you! That next day we went to the store together. Every person she talked to she told them I was getting married and basically had them try to talk me out of it! I was so hurt! So I told her I felt like she was making me feel like crap and that this was supposed to be a happy time in my life! She stopped! I dont think that she realized that she was hurting my feelings. She was probably just trying to protect me, even tho that was not the way to go about it!

    I would say something to her! She might not realize that shes hurting your feelings. She might even tell you why shes doing what shes doing! Which will help give you some answers! Good luck! I hope it works out for you!

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    Not very excited during your pregnancy doesn't equal bad grandma. I promise.

    My mom is like that when any of us get pregnant (this is grandchild #12)... she doesn't get all excited when we announce it, she doesn't oo and ahh over ultrasound pics... she just kinda does the half-hearted "oh. That's nice dear"...

    But when the babies are born, she gets super stoked. She doesn't buy a whole bunch of stuff or anything like that, but as the kids get older, she always wants to babysit and she spoils them in her own budget consious ways (for her, that tends to be an endless supply of popsicles..lol)

    Cross that bridge when you get to it. I'm sure it'll be fine.

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    First let me say that I am really sorry that you are feeling this way. Second, my mom is very judgemental & often speaks her mind even though no one has asked for her opinion. She had me at 16 & my brother at 21 & after 16 years with my father she left him 1 month before their wedding because she couldnt take being unhappy with him any longer. Because he was so angry with my mom he basically stopped all of his fatherly duties so she became a single mother. When I was 17 she got pregnant with my baby brother with her now boyfriend- they have been together for 10 years & he hasnt asked her to marry him & I know she's upset & feels like its never going to happen for her. Sometimes when I talk about getting married & she has something negative to say it really bothers me because I feel like shes taking her own experiences out on me & not trusting that I can make the right decisions for myself.

    One day, (& I totally went about this the wrong way) I just flipped out on her for being such a negative nancy. I said you complain all the time about how your mother has always been like that towards you then you turn around & treat me the same way. We got into a huge argument & I was really upset, but it felt good to get all of that out. That was a couple of years ago & our relationship has gotten a lot stronger since that fight. 

    My mom & I text a lot because its more convenient & I hate talking on the phone. So when she says something negative now I dont even respond to her at all. She usually takes the hint & tries to soften it up or apologize which a lot considering that she used to NEVER admit fault.

    Im not saying to blow up on your mom like I did, but you should def. talk to her about how you are feeling & in the end if she doesnt change then you know you atleast tried & you then have to learn to just accept her for who she is. Good Luck! I know its hard.

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    Thanks ladies.  This is all really helpful.  It is good to know I'm not the only one with a mother like that.

    I know I need to talk to her.  I honestly don't think she means to be rude.  She is a very practical person and doesn't see the point in "extra" things in life.  But I'm not sure how to go about telling her that I do like that stuff (as well as my sisters) without offending her or making her feel like she was a bad parent.

     P.S. nonoemily:  Thanks for the props. His family and my friends are all very crafty people and we are doing it almost entirely DIY

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