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December 2011 Moms
DH and my mom
Here's some background: my mom and I are very close and always have been. This past spring, DH and I moved from Oregon to Florida. I'm due 12/9, and my mom is flying out 12/5 until 12/21 to be here when the baby is born and help for after he arrives. DH was very supportive of this... at first. Now he is hoping I go into labor before she arrives because he's afraid I am going to rely more on my mom than him. I'm not really sure what to say to that. My mom is not an overbearing person by any means, and rarely tells me what to do. He told me he somehow envisions her being my main source of support while he's left in the shadows. I know this will not happen at all - it's his baby, not hers! - but I don't know what to say or do to make him believe me. I'd be okay with her not being here for the birth (if I went early), but logistically, since we don't know many people here yet, she'd be a great help with the dogs at home, and be a support for US when DH is tired and needs a break from supporting me. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing, but he voiced his concern, and it makes my heart hurt a bit.
Anyone else experience similar situations (especially for you 2+ moms)?
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Re: DH and my mom
It's really important that your DH understand he is number one as far as the baby goes and always will be. Your nuclear family is more important than everything else, as soon as that baby is born. MY husband voiced concern at the birth of our first child and then again this time, saying he wanted time alone with the family before anyone visited, so we really had time to bond as a family. It's logical, if someone else is there it's going to be harder to have those tender family moments than if they weren't. He's saying to you, your mom and you are really close and I want to make sure you and I are also that close, with our baby. It's sweet really!
We set it up so that my Mom comes after my husband goes back to work, and it worked out well last time. He and I had time to bond, to freak out, to figure out parenting with just the two of us before having someone else here.
I know that my first time around, my Mom was kind of bored since I mostly nursed all day and she didn't have much to do. So she may not be that useful to you with your husband there too, though, some of those "what do we do" freak out moments may be helped by having her there since she's done it before.
I think talking to your mom is the best
BUT--I would strongly suggest that you not "blame it on your husband's feelings". (I use the word blame loosely) I think coming from that angle of "we think it's best....." might be a better approach in the long run.
My husband has the same concern so I'm guessing it's pretty normal. My mom and I are really close. However, the baby belongs to my husband and I. He will be my main support. She is not overbearing and will sense when to step back a bit. If there was an issue, it would most likely be my fault.
I've heard stories of husbands sleeping through labor, not really being compassionate or getting queasy and needing to sit down. Although I think my DH will handle things great, I would like my mom there as back up support in case he gets nervous or something. She's also the designated photo taker.
2nd time mom here--I totally get where you are coming from. When DD was born, I felt very "in the middle" of my mother and my husband. My parents live 5 hours away and my mom has a tendancy to be overbearing and somewhat controlling and with our urban, smaller living arrangements, She is generous almost to a fault (like cooking a huge and delicious meal, and then leaving a sink full of dishes and a dirty kitchen for DH to clean, haha), and I don't think has any clue when she crosses the line--it drives DH crazy. DH had a real concern with her coming to stay for an extended period of time. Of course, after I figured out my game plan and talked to her about it (basically telling her that as much as WE appreciated her offer, WE wanted to try and figure things out as a family and we'd ask for her help if it was needed), she did get defensive and it did not really end up how I hoped (she and my dad came in the day after DD was born, stayed at a hotel overnight while I was in the hospital, helped us home the next day and then left--it was kind of awkward), it was all for the best.
It helped draw the line to my mom that DH, DD, and I were a family now too and that as much as we loved and appreciated her, we needed to have time for ourselves. She has since realized this and is MUCH more respectful of our "space". We did also go over to where they live (where I grew up) for a 5 day visit when DD was 3 weeks old and we felt more secure in our routines so that she could have the "baby spoiling" time and show her off. :-)
This time around, I know it will be much smoother. My parents are "on call" to come in as soon as I am going into the hospital, and will be primarily reponsible for DD for the hospital stay and first day or two at home. This way, DH and I can focus together on new baby while the grandparents get to have free reign over DD--perfect.
But as other posters have said, you need to be sure that you are looking at this from your husbands perspective and you stay united with him. :-)
Will baby #3 be another girl?
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I can honestly see why guys this think way sometimes. Here it is... their chance to participate, they have been on the sidelines for months, and we pregnant women call in our moms for help instead of them. It must feel crummy to them. I am SUPER close to my mom, we live like 30 mins away, talk at least once a day via phone but when it came time to learn all the newborn baby care stuff, and rely on someone I made sure to help her back off and let DH get involved. She was in the room for my Labor but when I needed my emergency c/s DH was there.
My advice is just talk to your mom, tell her how DH is feeling and that you need to reach out to make him feel as much a part of this as possible. That you want her there and look forward to her help when both you and DH need advice and support.
I agree with PP. Maybe you should speak to your mom about it. Just so she's aware and can maybe take more of a backseat/walk on eggshells while DH feels out the situation.
I don't really blame your DH for having these concerns. Your mom is going to know what to do with a baby and has been down the birth route before so knows how you feel. Your baby is obviously going to need you. Where does that leave him?
You say your mom isn't overbearing...but maybe he's fearing the connection you two have during a time when he thinks it should be you and him as a team.
Thank you all for your input. I will definitely talk to my mom about DH's fears, and kind of set her up for what we want her to do/what her roles will be if I go into labor while she is here. And spend time reassuring DH that he is my #1 along with our LO when he arrives.
Thank you!
I have the oposite problem. My MIL doesn't drive and they live an hour away and she was wanting to stay with us right away for a week and help out. Normally she isn't overbearing but the closer we get the more she gets. She talks like all i'm going to get to do is feed my child (and i think she would do it for me if my boobs weren't attached!). I didn't want to be mean about it so I was just very plain and told my DH and both of our moms that we were having the week after to just ourselves since thats all the time off my DH gets. and if they want to visit or help after they would need to call ahead and ask, and If i needed anything I would call them.
I would love for my mom to come help when DH goes back to work but by saying it to everyone I'm not playing favorites and it helps to calm the situation. I plan on calling my mom for help just about everyday for a little bit after DH goes back to work just so I can take a nap or take a break, she lives closer so it just makes more sense!