name UPDATE

Christina_Diane

resolved

Kissimi21

There is nothing wrong with wanting to honor your cousin.  As you've said, your cousin's parents are honored by your request and there is no guarantee that his sister will have a boy or even have children herself.  I would send her an e-mail explaining that you aren't trying to take the name away from her, you are just trying to show your love for her brother and that if she has a boy one day, it would only double that honor if she were to also use the name.  Be gentle and sympathetic, but firm in your decision.

ten17

I'm so sorry you are in this position. I like the suggestion of emailing her to explain that you really want your cousin to be honored and maybe she will come around.  That said, if she does not I would probably not use the name.  Thats not to say you shouldn't - just that I would find it easier to choose another name or honor a grandfather or other family member instead than to fight over it so I'd back down.  Of course you are the one who knows her and it somewhat depends on if she is usually a reasonable person or not so much. 

kellyrn9956

Were you extremely close with this cousin? If not, IMO, it is wrong to take this away from his sister. I am not one to believe in the "ownership" of names, but if her brother just passed away this summer, it's still fresh, and if she wants to be the first to name her child after him, I do not think she is being unreasonable.

I think if you were close to this cousin, it's acceptable (somewhat). If you weren't that close, I would think you were a big AW for wanting to name your son after him.

My opinion? Give up the name. There's already enough hurt in the family from losing someone special.

scorch

This is a very sweet thing that you want to do. 

 My BFF had a baby that she named Elyse, who passed away shortly after birth.  I wanted so badly to use that name for my DD, to honor the memory of her short time on earth, so I asked my friend, and she said no. I was ok with that because I didnt want to hurt her feelings every time we were together or worse, cause a permenent rift between us.  It just isnt worth it to cause a rift in the family over a name, no matter how honoring it is.

Could you choose a name that is similar, use is nickname or something that is somehow related to his memory and leave the actual name to her?  My personal opinion is that she is being childish and selfish, and yeah, she may never get to use the name but you will have been the bigger person and you wont be responsible for stirring things up in your family.

 

LollipopsAndCrisps

scorch:

you will have been the bigger person and you wont be responsible for stirring things up in your family.

 

This. I wouldn't use it out of respect for the sister. Or compromise and use the name as your DS's MN.  

brooklynesque

You just want to use the name as a middle name, correct?  In that case I think your cousin is being totally unreasonable.  If a first name I'd give her wish more deference.

ETA:  Because I don't think anyone would blink at two cousins, even close ones, with the same middle name, or with one whose first name was the same as the other's middle name.  You're not "stealing" any opportunity from her.  

bread&jam

scorch:

This is a very sweet thing that you want to do. 

 My BFF had a baby that she named Elyse, who passed away shortly after birth.  I wanted so badly to use that name for my DD, to honor the memory of her short time on earth, so I asked my friend, and she said no. I was ok with that because I didnt want to hurt her feelings every time we were together or worse, cause a permenent rift between us.  It just isnt worth it to cause a rift in the family over a name, no matter how honoring it is.

Could you choose a name that is similar, use is nickname or something that is somehow related to his memory and leave the actual name to her?  My personal opinion is that she is being childish and selfish, and yeah, she may never get to use the name but you will have been the bigger person and you wont be responsible for stirring things up in your family.

I find this incredibly insensitive in light of the fact that her brother is dead.

OP - If she doesn't come around, I would give the name up or use it as a middle name. It sounds like the pain of his death may be too raw for anyone to be using the name right now.

anna7602

I agree with pps- if you can't get her to come around, I would give up the name. It's all very fresh for her still and I am sure she is still coming to terms with her sibling's death. I don't mean that you are any less hurt or upset by his loss than she is, but everyone deals with death in different ways and she just may not be in a good place to consider your gesture right now.

TripMomma

If I put myself in her shoes I can understand her feelings. I may feel the same. I really do think it should be up to her, it was her brother. I would pick something else.

blu-eyedwife

brooklynesque:

You just want to use the name as a middle name, correct?  In that case I think your cousin is being totally unreasonable.  If a first name I'd give her wish more deference.

ETA:  Because I don't think anyone would blink at two cousins, even close ones, with the same middle name, or with one whose first name was the same as the other's middle name.  You're not "stealing" any opportunity from her.  

I agree with this.  And I'll throw in two personal anecdotes.

1) My middle name is the name of my father's mother.  She passed away a month after my parents were married.  My father's sister also used the name for her daughter, but she used it as a first name.  I love that my cousin and I share that tie.

2) We used my dad's name for our son's middle name.  I was actually worried that my brother would be upset, because maybe he'd want to use it for his future son.  I went back and forth about telling him, but decided to keep it a secret.  Mostly because it's a middle name, so he could still use it.  And when we announced it, he wasn't upset at all.

Emie28

I am usually very against people claiming ownership on a name. Actually until this post I have always said to name your kid what you want without worrying about what other people think.

It is very nice you want to honor your cousin, however, if you don't have the blessing of his entire family then there is no question that the name should be off your list. It does not even matter if she is pg or married at the moment or if she will actually ever have a boy. She probably has planned to honor her brother by one day using his name, and it probably feels like you are stealing that from her. 

Like I said, I don't usually believe in name "stealing" but I think this is a special circumstance and you need to find another name and respect that this was her brother and something that may help heal her heart. 

Oh, and all those people calling the sister childish and selfish? You are asshoIes. 

TripMomma

blu-eyedwife:

brooklynesque:

You just want to use the name as a middle name, correct?  In that case I think your cousin is being totally unreasonable.  If a first name I'd give her wish more deference.

ETA:  Because I don't think anyone would blink at two cousins, even close ones, with the same middle name, or with one whose first name was the same as the other's middle name.  You're not "stealing" any opportunity from her.  

I agree with this.  And I'll throw in two personal anecdotes.

1) My middle name is the name of my father's mother.  She passed away a month after my parents were married.  My father's sister also used the name for her daughter, but she used it as a first name.  I love that my cousin and I share that tie.

2) We used my dad's name for our son's middle name.  I was actually worried that my brother would be upset, because maybe he'd want to use it for his future son.  I went back and forth about telling him, but decided to keep it a secret.  Mostly because it's a middle name, so he could still use it.  And when we announced it, he wasn't upset at all.

Your dad and his sister had equal rights to their mothers name, as do you and your brother to your fathers name. I think it is much different when you are talking about a sister and a cousin...I see the sibling edging out the cousin for names rights.

 Also I must say there is nothing selfish or childish about this womans feelings. Her brother is DEAD and it didn't happen that long ago nor did it happen before they got to form a sibling bond. If you guys can't respect that this is a different name claim thing, then you are pretty oblivious.

stahlop

So, you want to name your son your cousin's middle name and she's freaking out?  I get that she's upset, but since it's her brother's middle name, I don't see that as being as bad as his first name.  I would think she would want to use her brother's first name for a future son, not his middle name.  I think since it's okay with his parents that you should use it.  When are you due?  Maybe in a few months the sister won't be as upset about it since it's so fresh.

brooklynesque

Emie28:

Oh, and all those people calling the sister childish and selfish? You are asshoIes. 

Based on what I've read I think it's selfish that she doesn't seem to understand that other family members had close emotional ties to her brother, too, and that supposedly in his honor she wants to limit how many people can honor him.  If God forbid I ever lost my brother, I'd be thrilled if every last cousin (and I have a LOT of cousins) wanted to use his name as their son's mn to honor him.  (Like I said in my first post, though, first names are a much closer call -- it's not ideal if cousins have the same first name, particularly if they're close and see each other often, so that would be making it much harder for her to use the name.)

Sorry, we just have a difference of opinion.  One can be legitimately grieving and still be acting unreasonably.  

kelle017

brooklynesque:

You just want to use the name as a middle name, correct?  In that case I think your cousin is being totally unreasonable.  If a first name I'd give her wish more deference.

ETA:  Because I don't think anyone would blink at two cousins, even close ones, with the same middle name, or with one whose first name was the same as the other's middle name.  You're not "stealing" any opportunity from her.  

This...

OnTheLanai

kellyrn9956:

Were you extremely close with this cousin? If not, IMO, it is wrong to take this away from his sister. I am not one to believe in the "ownership" of names, but if her brother just passed away this summer, it's still fresh, and if she wants to be the first to name her child after him, I do not think she is being unreasonable.

I think if you were close to this cousin, it's acceptable (somewhat). If you weren't that close, I would think you were a big AW for wanting to name your son after him.

My opinion? Give up the name. There's already enough hurt in the family from losing someone special.

I agree with all of this!!!!

sunnydaisy

Since you already told your aunt and uncle you were going to use the name, I would go to them to see how to proceed.  Although their daughter is upset about it right now, will they be disappointed if you don't follow through?  Ask them if they think she'd be OK with it after some time, and healing, has passed.  It does sound a bit unreasonable for her to want to be "first" to use the name, but as a pp pointed out, one can understandably act unreasonable when they're grieving.  It also doesn't necessarily sound like she's against you using it, she just wants to be first.

Anyway, like I said, I'd approach the aunt and uncle first.  If they think it'd be better to save the name for their dd to use first, then I'd start looking for a new name.  Congrats on your upcoming arrival, and I'm very sorry for the loss of your cousin.