not invited to the baby shower??? — The Bump
2nd Trimester

not invited to the baby shower???

So the baby's father and I broke up in May after dating for 4 years, and 8 weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. He has been fairly supportive, but has moved on and gotten a new girlfriend and doesn't really connect with the whole baby thing yet (which is all frustrating enough). His cousin and aunt have been very supportive and contact me on a regular basis. His parents on the other hand have not really been in contact with me much except when I e-mailed them about the baby being a girl. The last time I saw them was when we told them that we were pregnant.

His cousin told me recently that she is planning a shower for him and has asked his aunt to help in planning it. She always refers to this shower as "his shower". We have many mutual friends that are being invited to his shower. I don't think that I'm invited. I find this strange and frustrating! We are trying to do as much for the baby together as possible and I think it's rude for them to decide if I should be there or not. I did all of the registering and included his name as a co-registrant. This pregnancy has been lonely enough as it is and now I don't even get to attend this? I also feel like it's rude to our friends and I don't want them to feel like they have to attend two showers and buy two separate gifts. On top of this, I don't have any extended family in state, just my mom and dad. So if my mom did throw me a shower it would be pretty small compared to his.

 Does anyone find this strange or offensive? Any advice?

Re: not invited to the baby shower???

  • That is one of the odder things I've read on this website... and there are a lot of odd things on here. 

    Who doesn't invite the mother to be to a shower?  Just plain odd.  

  • If you aren't living together, I'm not sure why you would add him to your baby registry as a co-registrant. If you'll have joint custody, you're both going to need your own items for baby. It's not as if you can transport a crib, baby swing, diaper genie, changing table, baby monitor, baby gate, etc between your homes every time you transport the baby between the two of you. At most, it seems like the only baby things you could share early on would be a car seat (and you'd both need your own base), clothes, some blankets, and maybe a diaper bag (although that would be annoying as well). I think it makes sense for you to have separate showers if the baby will be spending time at both homes. Either take him off of your baby registry or start a new one with just your name on it. Even though the gifts are "for the baby," the baby's not the one that will be using them. The parents will be the ones who need baby-care items, and if you're not parenting together, you'll each need your own stuff.
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  • I'm sorry, I would be pretty upset too. I find this really strange. Hang in there!
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  • imageelizxu:
    I'm sorry, I would be pretty upset too. I find this really strange. Hang in there!

    THis is very strange, I know some men have "men showers" or whatever, but who has a full blown baby shower without the mother? I would be so pissed but like elizxu said, hang in there!

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  • This is very unusual.  I agree with a pp who suggested removing him as a co-registrant and creating your own registry list.  You will definitely needs things in your own household too.  Leave it up to your mutual friends to decide if they'd like to attend your ex's babyshower or your own if you decide to go down that route. 

    IMHO, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that baby shower, since there has been some tension on your ex's side of the family--- ESPECIALLY if there was any chance that the new girlfriend would be there. Maybe you and your mom can have a nice lunch together and have a gift exchange then. 

    On a separate note, has there been any legal action (paternity, visitation,etc.) that you two have discussed?  The separate babyshower is a good sign of what's waiting for you in future interactions with your ex's family.

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  • Take his name off the registry if you aren't invited.  If his family and friends buy off your registry that he's a co-registrant on then you will be shlt out of luck if you still need those items at your place.  Both of you need separate registries. Personally I think it's weird for a guy to have a shower but this is sort of a different situation.

    Good luck in the future, sounds like his family is going to be pretty difficult if this is how they are acting now.

  • His family is getting him stuff to have at his house for when he has the baby.  It's unusual only because most of the time the parents are still together at the point of having a baby shower.
  • How far along are you?  If you were pregnant in May wouldn't you be due before April?
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  • imagemakinithappen:
    His family is getting him stuff to have at his house for when he has the baby.  It's unusual only because most of the time the parents are still together at the point of having a baby shower.

    Exactly!! I honestly think having separate showers makes perfect sense if you won't be living together. I'm glad I'm not the only one to whom this makes sense.

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  • I would definitely take him off of the baby registry and maybe specifically ask his family not to use your registry if they're buying items for him and not you... because "co" (as in co-registrant) implies that you're doing this together. If you both need separate baby stuff and his family uses your registry, it could really mess everything up for the people that want to buy YOU items. They could buy a stroller for him & it will come up as "purchased" but you still won't have a stroller.

    It sounds like you need some ground rules. And definitely delete him.

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  • It is strange and rude! The same thing happened to a friend of mine. She actually didn't care bcs she didn't really like his family. Most of those who were both of their friends refused to go to the one his mother threw. I ended up going bcs my boyfriend at the time was his best friend and he wanted to go to both. Basically, all the stuff he got he kept at his (his parents) house...but most of the people were just his family that were there.

    sounds mean but maybe ask your friends to not attend "his" shower and explain the circumstances. So sorry you have to deal with that.
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  • imagemakinithappen:
    His family is getting him stuff to have at his house for when he has the baby.  It's unusual only because most of the time the parents are still together at the point of having a baby shower.

    This was my thought. It is somewhat strange you weren't invited but if he has moved on, has another girlfriend and you two are not together then his family is really buying things for him to aid in care of the child. The strangeness/ awkward  part of it stems from the two of you not being together. While others are saying that " this shows how is family is going to be" I think yea it does...that they will care for the baby too if they are willing to purchase things for it and have a shower for the father. Best wishes...I hope it all works out for you.

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  •      Strange! I would be tempted to call up the cousin (or aunt, or even your ex) and say something like "I think I've lost my invitation to the shower, where and when is it again?" And then just show up and keep my distance from anyone who might take issue with it. But honestly who would take issue with the mom being at a shower for her own baby? Both DH and I find this whole situation crazy. It seems in really poor taste of them not to invite you, especially when a lot of your own friends are invited. I'm sorry you're going through this. Try not to take it personally, it sounds like someone on his end is very thoughtless/clueless.
         If all else fails could you plan your own baby shower and make it for the week before his? Also agree with pp about you both needing your own baby stuff and registry.
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  • I think that this is totally odd to throw a man shower, especially if the grunt of the stuff needed will be for you if you have full custody.  he will need like a pack and play clothes and diapers for visits but if you are breastfeeding he probably wont get overnights for some time.  But I guess he needs some stuff and his family wants to celebrate too, so I can see them doing it.Seriously do you really wanna be there with his family, and possibly a new girlfriend while you pregnant, uncomfortable and self conscious?  Separate it probably for the best.

    As far as your shower being small, it doesn't have to be you said you have a ton of mutual friends just invite all them to your family shower.  Tell them they do not need to buy separate gifts, chances are they are woman you will have main responsibility( I am assuming) and they will buy gifts for you.  You could also plan to have yours before his, kinda a d*ck move( but I would do it)  people wont be burnt out on baby going to his first and I would think be more excited to buy gifts for yours.  I would also invite the family of his that you still stay in contact with.  If you plan to go coed invite your ex and all of the mutual friends. I also agree he can make his own registry you spent time on it.  If he would like to register for his weird man shower he can.

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  • If he hasn't attempted to make any contact with you and whatnot since you've split, then I definitely wouldn't have put his name on your registry. You should have a shower with the people that support you as opposed to worrying about him and his crap. I know that sounds harsh, but if he's not really making the effort to keep in contact with you about the baby, then I wouldn't worry about him at all. You're going to need all of the baby care items seeing as how I'm sure you are going to be the primary caregiver. Things will work out for you in the end sweetheart. Your precious bundle of joy will be the best thing he could ever give you.
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  • imageSGreen0985:
         Strange! I would be tempted to call up the cousin (or aunt, or even your ex) and say something like "I think I've lost my invitation to the shower, where and when is it again?" And then just show up and keep my distance from anyone who might take issue with it. But honestly who would take issue with the mom being at a shower for her own baby? Both DH and I find this whole situation crazy. It seems in really poor taste of them not to invite you, especially when a lot of your own friends are invited. I'm sorry you're going through this. Try not to take it personally, it sounds like someone on his end is very thoughtless/clueless.
        

    I think it would be tackier for them to invite her, let her see all the cute stuff, then tell her to leave because they bought it for him.

  • imagemakinithappen:

    imageSGreen0985:
         Strange! I would be tempted to call up the cousin (or aunt, or even your ex) and say something like "I think I've lost my invitation to the shower, where and when is it again?" And then just show up and keep my distance from anyone who might take issue with it. But honestly who would take issue with the mom being at a shower for her own baby? Both DH and I find this whole situation crazy. It seems in really poor taste of them not to invite you, especially when a lot of your own friends are invited. I'm sorry you're going through this. Try not to take it personally, it sounds like someone on his end is very thoughtless/clueless.
        

    I think it would be tackier for them to invite her, let her see all the cute stuff, then tell her to leave because they bought it for him.

    Plus maybe I am super self conscious but I dont wannt be around a recent ex/father of my baby with a new girlfriend feeling like a semi that needs a beep sound when I back up.  I'd rather see them when I lose the baby weight and am an awesome sexy milf.

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  • imageCMattus:

    I would definitely take him off of the baby registry and maybe specifically ask his family not to use your registry if they're buying items for him and not you... because "co" (as in co-registrant) implies that you're doing this together. If you both need separate baby stuff and his family uses your registry, it could really mess everything up for the people that want to buy YOU items. They could buy a stroller for him & it will come up as "purchased" but you still won't have a stroller.

    It sounds like you need some ground rules. And definitely delete him.



    This.  Even if you take his name off your registry, people are still going to use yours to buy things to give to him.  Bummer.

    I don't think it's that strange that you weren't invited - you aren't together anymore and the items will stay at his place.  I wouldn't want to attend anyway, it sounds like it would be really awkward.  But, I would try to stay on good terms with your ex, and if you have a decent relationship then try to address this shower situation - you're right, it's not really fair to ask mutual friends to go to two separate showers and buy two separate gifts, so what is a plan that is fair to both of you?
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  • You prob need to have your shower before he has his. Since you are the mom, it is most likely you will have the baby a larger percentage of the time and therefore need more of the stuff on the registry. If you don't think your friends will buy a gift for each of you, then you need to beat him to the punch. It is a little weird to have a baby shower for someone who isn't carrying the baby but since the dad needs stuff too, I can see where they thought it was a good idea. Don't let them hijack your registry tho... you will be completely screwed. Let the shower race begin....
  • I see nothing wrong with the father of the baby having his own shower as he would need his own baby things. It is nice that he and his family our excited about his child.

    I think it would be extremely rude for you to crash the baby shower. The shower is about him, and getting him things he needs to care for his child.

    You will have your own baby shower, and you can invite your friends and family. Yes it sucks you don't have family near by, but life isn't fair. Move on. 

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  • imageJaqiDec04:

    I see nothing wrong with the father of the baby having his own shower as he would need his own baby things. It is nice that he and his family our excited about his child.

    I think it would be extremely rude for you to crash the baby shower. The shower is about him, and getting him things he needs to care for his child.

    You will have your own baby shower, and you can invite your friends and family. Yes it sucks you don't have family near by, but life isn't fair. Move on. 

    Amen!!  I have no idea why you feel like you should be there.  If your family throws you a shower would you want him there laying claim to the gifts your family got you? You two are not together any more and it is completly reasonable for him to have his own set of baby items.

    You sound immature and gift grabby.

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  • I guess they assume the ex will be allowed to be around the baby?

     

    Weird, IMO.

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  • I could type a lot about this .. but I'll just keep it short .. or try anyways ..

    he's your ex .. don't worry about him or his shower .. you would've been told by now if you were being invited, you're obviously not invited ..

    and why would you even make a registry if you don't even have plans for someone to throw you a baby shower yet .. ? just make a new one if somebody does decide to have a shower for you .. they're not that hard to create ..or register at a different store ..

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  • imageDragonflyBelle:

    I guess they assume the ex will be allowed to be around the baby?

     

    Weird, IMO.

    Considering that it's his baby, that seems like a pretty reasonable assumption to make... 

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  • imageblueyedsweety28:

    I could type a lot about this .. but I'll just keep it short .. or try anyways ..

    he's your ex .. don't worry about him or his shower .. you would've been told by now if you were being invited, you're obviously not invited ..

    and why would you even make a registry if you don't even have plans for someone to throw you a baby shower yet .. ? just make a new one if somebody does decide to have a shower for you .. they're not that hard to create ..or register at a different store ..

    I agree. Why is this all so hard for you to understand, op?

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  • I would get his name off of your registry and let him have his "man shower" for the simple fact he's gonna feel really stupid getting a whole bunch of baby stuff for a child that isn't going to be with him full time. Also I bet his new girlfriend finds it akward.

    DH and I are separated and he's not involved at all. He is not on my registry, instead my mother is because she is throwing it and she is inviting family friends and relatives to it.

    I'm the mother of my child and I'm the boss...DH has no say and if his parents threw him a shower, I'd let them, but I'd also let everyone know about it. It would come back to his parents and him and embarrass them all!

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  • First, let me say, I'm sorry that your pregnancy has felt so alone.  I really am ((Hugs)).  I've gone through a pregnancy alone, under different circumstances, and I really do understand the feeling.  I found this thread through a C&P elsewhere, and just wanted to comment.

    Having said that, to answer your question, yes I do think it is strange, but no I do not think it is offensive.  

    It is fine for him to have his own shower.  Because the two of you were separated for two months before you even found out you were expecting, and that he moved on so quickly, it's reasonable to say even if your split was not acrimonious, the two of you are not going to share a household, or evenly split the raising of a child, leaving both of you needing items to start out as parents.  A shower is not an obligation on anyone to give or attend...people are fortunate if there is someone there to throw them one.   

    imagercaldwell81:

    He...doesn't really connect with the whole baby thing yet (which is all frustrating enough)......We are trying to do as much for the baby together as possible and I did all of the registering and included his name as a co-registrant. 

    It sounds as if you might be trying to do more than he...and that might be because he hasn't yet connected with the baby (which is difficult because you two are not together and because he's moved into a new relationship).  It doesn't mean that he can't change in this area...but you perhaps need to be a bit more realistic in what he's putting forth so resentment doesn't build up and so your own expectations aren't dashed.  Co-registering maybe would have made sense were you sharing a shower, but this isn't and wasn't your circumstances when you registered.  I'd delete the registry and/or restart one with your name only. Unless you can clear the next part up: 

    imagercaldwell81:

    His cousin told me recently that she is planning a shower for him and has asked his aunt to help in planning it. She always refers to this shower as "his shower". We have many mutual friends that are being invited to his shower. I don't think that I'm invited......I think it's rude for them to decide if I should be there or not.

    You say she's referring to the shower as "his shower" - which makes sense since she's his family.   You implied that this cousin is one that is keeping friendly avenues of communication open.  I'm assuming you've shared with her (or he has?) the registry with her?  You also say that you "think" you are not invited.  Honestly, that's a safe bet under the circumstances...and while I would say that that isn't a slight on you, it's reasonable for his family to think about *his* set up for the baby.  However, I think if you can keep your emotions out of it that it would be within the realm of understanding if you ask her to clarify if you are invited.  An invitation, however, doesn't mean that you'll be walking home with any of the gifts.  You could ask that the shower be for both you and your ex, since so many friends are shared between you.  She'll be under no obligation to say yes, and again you'll not necessarily walk away with gifts of your choice.

    imagercaldwell81:

    We have many mutual friends that are being invited to his shower....I also feel like it's rude to our friends and I don't want them to feel like they have to attend two showers and buy two separate gifts.

    This will be likely the most difficult.  Those friends you've shared as a couple will indeed get to decide which if both showers they are going to attend.  You might see a separation of friendships here...those that naturally gravitate towards you, and those who naturally gravitate towards him.  It'll be great for those who can afford and want to attend two showers to celebrate the new baby with both of you.  It's not a gun to anyone's head, though. Don't worry about that.  I think this reveals more the worry over your isolation in this pregnancy than your worrying about etiquette.   

    imagercaldwell81:

    On top of this, I don't have any extended family in state, just my mom and dad. So if my mom did throw me a shower it would be pretty small compared to his.

     

    Some showers are small and you know what?  That's ok.  It'll be smaller still if you choose *not* to invite your friends, however.  Personally, I would check with your mother whether throwing you a shower is even on her radar.  She might be thinking a girlfriend of yours would plan one, and any friends thinking the opposite.  Get re-registered under just your name for anything and everything that you think you'd need for the baby, including just cutsey things.  Discuss a date which is reasonable...and while some might give a side-eye to the idea, since you are so isolated from anchored support, I'd probably do a shower before your ex's, and I would include anyone whom you'd have invited had the two of you never broken up. 

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  • imageMotherMonster:

    I would get his name off of your registry and let him have his "man shower" for the simple fact he's gonna feel really stupid getting a whole bunch of baby stuff for a child that isn't going to be with him full time. Also I bet his new girlfriend finds it akward.

    DH and I are separated and he's not involved at all. He is not on my registry, instead my mother is because she is throwing it and she is inviting family friends and relatives to it.

    I'm the mother of my child and I'm the boss...DH has no say and if his parents threw him a shower, I'd let them, but I'd also let everyone know about it. It would come back to his parents and him and embarrass them all!

    Just wait until you go to court.  you will quickly find out that the judge is the boss and the dad will be allowed to be around his child.  He is the father just as you are the mother.  I don't know why anyone would be embarrassed about buying items for their child/family member; he will have the child and will need clothes, diapers, somewhere for it to sleep, bottles, etc unless you plan on sharing everything you have which doesn't sound likely.

  • In a way, I kind of understand their thinking. You all are broken after all. And the gifts that will be given will be for the baby and these items will be for your ex to keep at his place for the baby. Its not like you are living together, right? So what would be the reason for you to be there? Sorry I hope this doesnt sound mean. I wish you the best.
  • Strange? yes.  Offensive? I don't know.

    He'll need things too... although I don't think the courts will give him overnight visitation until the baby is older.  So, I don't really know how much he would need right away.  I wonder if his family knows that. Sometimes people aren't up-to-date on what is standard in these circumstances.  In their minds, they are giving him things that he will need for the baby. They probably have no idea that the baby won't stay overnight for awhile.

    If I were in your shoes, I would find it odd, but I wouldn't take it to heart.  His family can do whatever they want, and it doesn't have to affect you. 

    I guess you could look at it as it's nice that they are excited about the baby too.

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  • What an odd situation. Here's my advice:

    1) Take him off your registry ASAP, and mention to him or his cousin that he will need to use his own because your family will be purchasing things for you from yours. This could be a big problem if you don't.

    2) Absolutely do not go to that shower. It would be weird and awkward. I see the point of his family wanting to throw him one so he has baby items as well, which may or may not make sense depending on the custody agreement. Since he doesn't seem interested in the baby as of yet, I would assume he would not be seeing it a whole lot, espcially in the beginning, thus he would not need as much supplies.

    3) Get a lawyer and start drafting up a custody agreement BEFORE things get ugly.

    4) Have your shower before his.


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  • I'm due Feb 15th. So got pregnant early-mid May.
  • This sounds like an episode of 16 and pregnant.

    Why would his cousin talk about the shower with you if you were not invited and it was not an attempt to see the two of you planning for the baby together? I understand your ex will need his own items for the baby but a baby shower for a guy??? Really??? Well to each their own but I see him looking pretty silly playing the clothes pin game.

    The only thing we agreed on is that the family members planning this whole event sound like trash (ok maybe not trash but compassionless d*ckheads at the very least), sorry but they do. How tacky/immature is it to have the new girlfriend at the shower and not the actual mother (obviously I am just assuming she will be there)? 4yrs vs a few months should 100% put you be for the new GF in my opinion but again thats just my opinion. I would expect him to put in his 2 cents and let his family know it would be innappropriate for them continue discussing it with you if they have no intention of inviting you since the relationship already has enough problems... shame on him.

     If you two are still on slightly good terms and you want to try and stay civil ask him if you guys can keep things concerning the baby between the two of you. Also don't be afraid to be completely honest with him about how you feel about being alone during such a significant time in your lives, after 4yrs I would hope he has some sort of place for you in his heart.

    Best wishes.

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