To go or not to go....that is the question

ndebello

So long story short (trust me this is shorter than it can be ).... My SIL is super not supportive of my husband and I. She threw a fit at my wedding shower, wedding, when DH got his dream job, and when we announced we were pregnant. Basically, huffed and puffed because the attention was not on her. She is the older one by 6 years and already has two kids. We all used to be close, and then she got po-ed at us because she and her DH decided to get pregnant when we were getting our bridesmaid dresses. she got her normal size, when she knew she would be 7 months pregnant with number 2. We asked her to please take it to someone who could add fabric professionally (she gained like 50 with her first by seven months). Just so she would match, as everyone was already matching dresses. She started trying after getting her dress. That turned into us "telling her when to get pregnant and us hating her unborn child" All untrue, we were happy for her. Which led her to throw temper tantrums since.

 We haven't been invited to family functions or actvities in months...and when we are it is literally "you guys might as well come to dinner, we are at this restaurant and just ordered". 

  Needless to say...our nephew (SIL's child) is turning four and has a birthday party. We recieved a text message two weeks ago, saying that we should come to the party and the date and time. Well, DH was trying to make a peace offering and invited them over to our place for halloween, as their neighborhood is not super kid friendly. She said no, and then told us that she gave us the wrong time and day for the party and it is a week sooner. Everyone else in the family got formal invitations with the correct time a month prior, we knew about it. Do you guys think we should go to his party? I mean I do not want to punish him, so we would be sending his gift even if we didn't go. Also, he doesn't know we are his Aunt and Uncle....he calls us by our first names, but the other siblings (SIL's side) are uncles..Any help appreciated.

mben1119

Your husband needs to talk to his sister and find out what her malfunction is.  Something obviously needs to be aired out, and it needs to be between the 2 of them.  If they can't work it out, then cut her out of your life.  It sucks, but some people are just toxic.

526SadieSadie

Wow.  Your SIL sounds like a real piece of work.  What do your in-laws have to say about her horrid behavior?  You're a better person than I am, I would have flipped out on her already.

I would absolutely send a gift and really, thoroughly meditate on going.  If you don't go, you'll probably be the awful aunt and uncle who don't care about their nephew and don't show up blah blah blah. 

I honestly don't know what to advise...is there any possibility of DH sitting her down and talking to her about the way she treats you?

ndebello

DH has attempted to try to work things out with her. She either doesn't respond or call him back, or says "we are just not close anymore" without any reason. Or she says "nothing is the matter". DH is done trying to make the effort.

 The in-laws see her nasty behavior. Others in the family have made comments about how they think she is just jealous of us, since we are doing well for ourselves and her brother is only 25 (she is 32). Even though we don't brag or even talk about accomplishments in our lives anymore, because we are tired of the huffing and puffing. MIL, however, is obsessed with her (SIL), because she is obsessed with her kids. She actually told us she sees what she does but has to kiss her *** so she can see the kids. So SIL gets away with everything she does. This has been almost a year long process...so exhausting. My family has been great to DH and us. DH actually will call my mom if he has an issue, and we see our nephews on my side (who live 4 hours away) more than the two (SIL's) who live 10 minutes away.

Jillibean85

There are 3 sides to every story (yours, hers and the truth), and of course we are only hearing one... Who knows what may have happened or what her reasoning would be if we heard the story from her, but either way i think you should still go to your nephews bday party (as you said, why punish him?) and give him his gift with a card from his "Aunt ____, Uncle _____ and cousins...."

pc150805

Are you part of my family?!?!?! My SIL is EXACTLY like yours right down to the age difference and MIL issues. Only her tantrum was about not being a bridesmaid in our wedding. The very first time I met her she told me my (now) DH was a spoiled brat and she doesn't know why I'd consider dating him...why would I want her in my wedding again (not to mention that I had a male on my side and no females)?! He is the furthest thing from spoiled or a brat. Anyway I really can't offer much help because we don't know what to do about her, but I can totally sympathize. The one thing I would say is not to punish your nephew. We have two nieces (SIL's daughters) and we try to be there as much as possible for them because we don't want them ending up like their mother. The stories I have about my SIL could make your hair stand up. I'm seeing her this weekend for the first time this weekend and I'm sure it will be just peachy... Good Luck and PM me if you ever need to vent!

MomOfTwo2012

mabenner1:

Your husband needs to talk to his sister and find out what her malfunction is.  Something obviously needs to be aired out, and it needs to be between the 2 of them.  If they can't work it out, then cut her out of your life.  It sucks, but some people are just toxic.

This! Its not your place to have to work things out with his family. He should have taken care of it a long time ago it sounds like. 

skibunny59

I think you should still go to your nephew's party.  They are still family no matter how crappy they may treat you. 

mben1119

skibunny59:

I think you should still go to your nephew's party.  They are still family no matter how crappy they may treat you. 

No, some family members can be nasty, evil, and vindictive.  You are allowed to cut them out of your life.

Shawnee11507

mabenner1:

skibunny59:

I think you should still go to your nephew's party.  They are still family no matter how crappy they may treat you. 

No, some family members can be nasty, evil, and vindictive.  You are allowed to cut them out of your life.

This. If it were me, I would send a gift but not go.

soralette

Shawnee11507:

mabenner1:

skibunny59:

I think you should still go to your nephew's party.  They are still family no matter how crappy they may treat you. 

No, some family members can be nasty, evil, and vindictive.  You are allowed to cut them out of your life.

This. If it were me, I would send a gift but not go.

Absolutely this. Simply being blood-related to someone doesn't make them a decent human being.

SGreen0985

Wow! Sounds like your SIL is very jealous of you two. I agree with pp your DH needs to sit down one-on-one and ask her what can be done so that you all can get along. Ask why she has been excluding you both from family events. He should tell her that you both would really like to have a relationship with her. Maybe mention that you'd like your baby to know it's cousins. If after making a genuine (face-to-face) attempt to clear the air she still treats you like crap, I'd say it's time to give up on her (at least for a while). You can't let anyone, even family, treat you badly. You teach people how to treat you. If you want to spend more time with the rest of the family it sounds like you're going to have to start holding your own events (dinner parties, ect.) When you do you should also invite you SIL, to show you're the bigger person (provided she behaves herself). Best of luck!

sanriobaby

Your SIL sounds like a major drama queen w/extreme jealousy issues that frankly have nothing to do w/you. Not giving you a formal invite then changing the date and time of her child's party sounds pretty passive agressive to me. It also looks like she did it purposely to make you guys look bad in front of everyone else to prove her "point" to the rest of her family to justify her actions and feelings. If I were you, I still wouldn't go, but send a nice gift instead. Let your DH email her to let her know that you guys can't go b/c SHE didn't give you and DH the right info and you have other plans that you're committed to that day. Don't get involved in this b/c this is btwn her and DH, so it's up to him to either confront her or choose to move on w/o her. Sadly, there are some family members who bring forth so much drama that they create toxic relationships w/the ones they love.

pinksandbermuda

If you can go at the "new" time, I would go.  Even though she is at fault for giving you the wrong info, you will still look like the bad guy for not going.  In the long run it is better to have harmony with the in-laws if at all possible.  If she wants to be a jerk, that's up to her.  Take the high road and know you did what you could to make it better.

ndebello

DH has tried to meet with her and talk to her mutliple times...she avoids it. When we announced our pregnancy, I made a point to say how cool it was our kids would be so close in age. We found out last night from MIL that she wasn't going to invite us...DH made the decision that we are not going to go. We don't want drama at our nephew's party, we can keep our mouths shut but SIL never can (it is just behind our backs and comes out from others). We are still going to get him a nice gift. I am going to bring it to his daycare that is on my work campus (SIL and I work at the same place....BAD IDEA....luckily she is on maternity leave!). Thanks for all the advice..,

 

I agree DH needs to figure something more of a solution in the future. Because I want my baby to know his dad's mom's side....(DH's folks are divorced, and we get along wonderfully with his step-mom, dad, and siblings)