I know its only been a few days but I'm so sick of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself and being sad and crying all the time. Maybe that makes me a jerk, but thats how I feel right now.
First it was worrying about *if* I would get pregnant. Then it was a ton of worry throughout the whole pregnancy because of issues from the beginning, and then the past 5 days its been nothing but crying. This isn't fun.
Last night my good friend (who is about ready to pop with her baby and had no idea about my situation) invited me out to celebrate my birthday. My birthday. I completely forgot about my birthday in all of this. I really didn't want to go out, but I forced myself. I deserved a birthday after all, right?
We went to eat, just the two of us. I ordered a margarita and she looked at me like I was nuts and said how she hasn't seen me order a drink at dinner in years. I told her I just wanted one, and then halfway through it I told her EVERYTHING. It felt so good to get it all out. It was the first time I even said the words out loud. She's been through it, so she knew not to say anything stupid. We cried and then we laughed and then we talked about random other things going on. It felt good to think about something else for a while.
I decided thinking about something else is good. I'll never forget my baby, but crying about it won't bring her (or him... idk, I'm convinced it was a girl) back. It won't change what happened. The only thing left to do is move on and get my life back.
Today is my birthday and I spent the afternoon taking my daughter around to visit friends and coworkers in her halloween costume. Tomorrow I'm going back on my diet, going back to work, and back to the gym. I'm determined to get the quality back in my life.