Mom vent re: Doula — The Bump
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Mom vent re: Doula

Sigh, I just got off the phone with my mom. 

So my husband got some advice from a co-worker that a doula was the best money he's every spent and totally worth the cost, and told him why (yay co-worker). I was personally a bit on the fence about a doula since it was only going to be DH in the delivery room and I didn't want to make him feel like I didn't think he could handle it. 

Anyway I was all happy that he was on board and was just chatting with my mom about it as a possibility and she kept cutting me off saying stuff like "that's the mother's job!" and when I said the MW and maybe the doula will come over after and give some advice about how to take care of the babe and she was again all defensive "that's what mothers are for" I just found it so annoying.  She will obviously be coming over to help and see the baby but she still has some old school ways and she is no expert. (example she thinks gettting tests is silly because "no one in our family has GD" ok mom, I guess it's impossible for me).

She knows she isn't coming to the delivery and I think she wants to - but I just don't think she will be the calming helpful presence that I'm looking for. 

venty vent.  I'm done now :P

Re: Mom vent re: Doula

  • Yay for spouses who get it!

    My wife is a physician assistant, so if anyone understands what is involved, she does. But she is very clear that she wants to be there for me emotionally and know that we have additional physical support. She is the one who told me that we should hire a doula.

    Now when she talks about the birth she is confident, calm, and incredibly excited. She says it is easier to support the plan for a med-free birth knowing that she won't be alone in helping me and responsible for managing a wife in pain and pressure from the medical team (though I think we will be fine here).

    Moms, yeah, they are another story. Right there with you on that, though my mother wouldn't dare say it because she knows she will be shut down.

  • Your OH sounds great...I'm a bit jealous!

    I guess just try not to take anything to heart that your mother says, she probably just feels left out a bit, even though she shouldn't. Seeking the advice and comfort of professionals is not something you are doing to hurt. I'd give her a few days and she'll hopefully calm down a bit.

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  • If you want to do something she doesn't agree with, she needs to eventually accept that it's your decision.  In the meantime, you just have to accept that she's going to be pissed off about it.  DH uses this approach with his family.  Although they get frustrated with him on occassion, they know from experience that he's going to do things his way, and it helps them calm down faster because they know being angry won't change anything.

    Perhaps you can reassure her by spelling out what you hope she will help you with.  It may not include everything she wants to do, but it does give her concrete tasks she can focus on.

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  • imagenamara5532:

    Perhaps you can reassure her by spelling out what you hope she will help you with.  It may not include everything she wants to do, but it does give her concrete tasks she can focus on.

    Excellent advice.

    My mom was feeling left out, so I've given her a handful of projects to work on before and after the baby is born and it made her feel more involved. She complains a lot less now....

    GL!

     

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  • My mother and I were in the room when my sister had her first baby. I'd have punched my mother in the face the way she was with my sister. My doula was the best thing I ever spent money on and my mother helped me where she was best-taking care of my pets and visiting us and then going back to my house and cleaning up before we got home.

    I'm glad your DH gets it. My doula did not in any way keep DH from helping me. She just told him what to do...which was great, because he is a basket case under stress.  A good doula will facilitate the best experience for you. Enjoy! 

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  • That's hard. Honestly, it doesn't sound like your mom is going to "get" it no matter what you say or how much you explain it. I would just stop talking to her about it- just talk about what you want HER to do, and leave out "Well the doula will do this" or "our doula said xyz."

    I'm sorry she isn't as excited about it as you want her to be, but IMO it's not worth causing stress over. She won't be in the delivery room, you're going to do what you want anyway, so... just do it. Stop telling her about it.

    Also, Yes for your H's coworker!

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  • So true ladies, I just need to smile and change the subject.  I think she knows by now she can't control my choices lol, but it doesn't stop her from trying!

    She was in the delivery room with my sister too and she wasn't good at seeing her in pain, I can picture her ramping up the anxiety and my H will be less comfy with her there for sure.  I think he feels a freedom that comes from a relative stranger (doula).

    I think we even can find one that is looking for her training hours and will have a lower rate!  It will be very interesting indeed Big Smile

  • Our doula was the best thing we did for our labor. We looked for someone DH liked and would encourage him to be involved while helping me through L&D. She was almost not available for our upcoming birth, and I was okay with going without a doula since I know which midwife will be delivering LO, however, DH said he didn't want to do a birth without a doula and we would just have to hunt for a new one. Thankfully, our doula is available and we couldn't be happier.

    My mom was fully on board with us having a doula, but she was even more comfortable with her when she met her about 1 week PP. Is there a possibility of your mother meeting your doula? It may/may not work, just a thought.

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  • Big life experiences like this bring up a lot of issues between moms & daughters, in my experience. Your mom is reacting based on whatever her idealized vision is of your birth. But, it's not her birth to plan, it's yours. If having a doula causes friction with your mother, just remember that it's her issue, not yours. (The "it's her issue, not mine" is my current mantra with my mother.) Personally, I'm in the "spending money on a doula was one of the best things I ever did" camp.
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  • I think I purposefully didn't tell my mom or his mom about the doula until after (if ever). I also didn't tell my mom we were headed to the hospital the first time either because she's notorious for barging in and I couldn't deal with either of them.

    Doulas are a fabulous resource. Do you really want to make your mom hold your throw up bucket or help you go to the bathroom? It's so much easier to just pay someone to puke on and make massage your back.

    DH was absolutely hopelessly useless for our first delivery. He hid behind the bed. I'm not kidding. Thank god for my doula. He did much better the second time with some coaching for the doula. And with the doula to back up DH, you are never alone.

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