I'm thinking of writing a letter to my cousin... — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I'm thinking of writing a letter to my cousin...

My cousin and I were due a week apart. I knew about her pregnancy, she didn't know about mine. I was super excited to get to share pregnancy stuff with her, and raise our kids together - not together, but going through the same things around the same times etc. Now it just sucks. I don't want to see her pregnant belly grow for the next 9 months, thinking how I should be just as pregnant as she is. I don't want to see her baby, who will be born when mine should have been... I don't know how I'm going to handle it all.

I'm thinking of writing her a letter to let her know what happened, so that she can maybe understand why I might not seem super excited for her. I am excited for her, but its just hard for me. The only thing is I don't want her to know and then feel guilty about her happy healthy pregnancy. Noone should feel guilty about that. I'm not sure if telling her will make things better or worse.

What would you do?

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Re: I'm thinking of writing a letter to my cousin...

  • I think it's pretty impossible for you to behave so normally that she won't notice something is up.  If it were me, I would tell her just so she doesn't take it personally (but I am not a private person, as a caveat).  Also, it might help her set reasonable expectations for you. Some things, like showers and seeing the baby, are just going to be hard, and you don't want her asking you to do extra stuff that ends up being torture just because she doesn't know.  I am sorry you have to deal with this.  Thoughts and prayers to you.

  • I'd tell her - otherwise she will do things that are unknowingly insensitive.  Be aware that she may respond really well, or she might now know what to say or do and give an insufficient or awkward response (I was surprised at how many good friends just kind of shrugged it off).  Just tell her that you love and respect her so much that you wanted her to know what was going on with you and your DH, and that you will be wishing her well in her pregnancy and are excited for her (even if you're not sometimes).
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  • I would write the letter, and say what you said here, that you don't want her to feel guilty or feel like she can't be happy, but you just want her to understand why it will be difficult for you.  I'm so sorry.  (((Hugs)))

    ~BFP #1 9/17/11 ~ Miscarried 9 weeks~

    ~BFP #2 3/5/12 ~ EDD 11/17/2012~ Stick Baby Stick! It's a girl!

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  • My SIL and I were due a few days apart.  no one knew about our pregnancy until we had to reach out to another SIL to let her know if we need a D&C she would need to keep our LO.

    In our situation my SIL told the family.  The SIL who is pregnant reached out to us to let us know she is keeping us in her thoughts.  I am going to write her a letter just to explain I am happy for her and look forward to having a new baby in our family but how much emotionally it is going to hurt me to see her.

    My goal is to hopefully be pregnant before her baby is born.  This happened to us before and our niece was pregnant at the same time and we lost that pregnancy as well.  I did get pregnant the month before she was due and that helped.


                                                 Mom to 4 wonderful daughters
                                 Breanna, Ellie and 
                                 our 2 rainbow babies.

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