Any love for a step mother?

cookiemomstarr

Here's my background...I'll try to keep it short, but there is just so much going on... 

I have a 6yr old SS, whom I am madly in love with.  This boy, is my world.  DH was previously married, they separated, she claimed miscarriage, he came home to support her, they got pregnant with SS and she kicked him out.

 Ive been involved in SS's life for 3 years now.  I've been through custody battles, CS battles, and im just beaten down. Im sitting here crying because I just cannot take it anymore. 

DH has been trying to get 50/50 custody from day one of separation. His ex filed a restraining order on him, that kept him from his son and his home, unless something was broken, then he was allowed to come over and fix it but then he had to leave.  His ex would leave SS at her mothers so DH couldn't see him.

 DH got a lawyer and was able to see SS 2 days a week. 6 months and 10k later, he sees SS 1 dinner night a week, every other friday night and every saturday. SS was having so much fun with us on the weekend, DHs ex decided that she wanted him on the weekend too, so she changed it to 1 dinner night and everyother friday and saturday, but she kept her sundays. 10k more in lawyer fees we have SS 1 dinner night and every other entire weekend with a drop off a 6pm on sunday.  5k more in lawyer fees we are currently at 1 weekday overnight and every other weekend with drop offs at 6pm unless she is busy, then we can bring him to her when she comes home.

 She refuses to give DH first rights of refusal so SS is constantly left at his grandmothers home. His grandmother picks him up from school, his grandmother feeds him dinner, his grandmother "bathes"(washes him with a wash cloth in the sink, no soap...thats a whole other story), he sleeps at his grandmothers house twice a week because his mother goes to school at night. 

 DH's ex makes 82k a year, DH has to pay her $975 a month in CS plus 3k a year towards private schooling.. SS looks like a pauper. Dressed in rags, never bathed, his grandmother cuts his hair and he looks like swiss cheese, his glasses are broken, he has poop in his underwear, he slept in his convertible crib/toddler bed until 3 months ago....  Of couse she is dressed to the nines, always has her hair and nails done, takes 4 cruises a year and we are barely scraping by.

She picks fights just to pick fights. I cannot take it anymore. I love her son like he is my own, DH wants to be involved in SS's every day life. He coaches his sports teams, he is involved at school, he would do anything for SS and she just holds SS over DHs head like he is a puppet.  She spreads rumors that DH beat her, she tells everyone he doesnt pay CS and she pays for everything, she tells SS horrible things about us and he comes over crying because he doesnt know who to believe.

 I am seriously at my wits end....I came on here to see if there was anyone else out here in this world that is in my shoes. 

tomkat2010

As a SM myself, and one who has also witnessed the crazy BS that a BM will make up about her ExH and his wife, I can sympathize. It's so hard when a child comes over and says, "Mom said this" and it's something so appalling you don't even know what to say, but it breaks your heart that the child is being fed lies. And because DH doesn't think it's right to get involved in a nasty he said she said he won't say anything bad (even true) about BM but he tries to refute the crazy accusations. All you can do is be supportive and that sucks sometimes. As for the fact that your SS appears to be mistreated or even neglected by his BM is awful, but I guess I don't have any experience with that. Just maybe start documenting everything that you can, including taking pictures when he first comes over, etc. and hopefully that will help in your fight for a new custody arrangement. GL!

cookiemomstarr

thanks tomkat

I've gone though about 10 pages of the board since I posted and I see that I am not alone.  I guess my major issue is trying to understand why BM is so selfish and dramatic.  Everything she does to hurt me or DH only really hurts SS. 

karmawes

Oh my. I feel your pain. As a fellow step mother I deal with two BM's. At one point a few years ago DH was laid of and getting 98% of his unemployment check. We went to court and the judge would just ask if BM believed he was unemployed. She would just say no even though he had all proper documentation proving he was. This went on for over a year and a half. We were living off of   $100 a week had to get a lawyer and ended up having to go bankrupt.

Those BM's are such Bitches.

karatechrissy

karmawes:

Those BM's are such Bitches.

I find this highly offensive. Ya, maybe the BM in your situstion is a huge b*tch. Maybe she is evil and rotten to the core, that doesn't mean BM's in general are all this way. There are plenty of step parents out there that are terrible. It all comes down to the individual. OP- I'm sorry for all you have gone through. Why do you think your judge is so hell bent on not giving your H 50/50?

Nineoceans

I'm sorry that is a really bad situation. I hate when people use kids for power and control purposes. Have you and Dh thought about counseling? You'll never be able to change BM but you can change the way you view and feel about the situation. I'm going myself because I struggle so much with our BM.

cookiemomstarr

Nineoceans:

I'm sorry that is a really bad situation. I hate when people use kids for power and control purposes. Have you and Dh thought about counseling? You'll never be able to change BM but you can change the way you view and feel about the situation. I'm going myself because I struggle so much with our BM.

You know, I have never thought about counseling for us, Ive always been concerned about getting the proper counseling for SS.  I always put SS's needs before mine, and tend to neglect my own. Which is probably a recipe for disaster....

Thank you for the idea, I will look into that

lexi735

Oh do I know what you are going through. My life was just like that but in court my DH did get 50/50 so we got the kids every other weekend and one night a week. The hell went on with his ex and us for at least 6 years. She remarried and still was being evil. Even the new husband was evil. The kids didn't even want to stay home anymore. They wanted to stay with us and visit them. But somehow, someway, out of left field she started doing more for the kids, talking to us, being friendly....I was blown away. So whatever she's taking or whoever got her ear, for right now, she's good and it's so much healthier for the kids but I will say, I get so frustrated cause I feel I always will be under her hands. Like a puppet! Since we are the sane ones, we just eat whatever it is we have to eat for the kids. Whatever she wants, we do just to keep the peace and that I don't think will change until they get older. Hang in there and pull away just a little with the situation. It might help. I let him deal with most of the stuff but just love your SS cause I'm sure he's not getting that from home. Good Luck

xmaryrickx

karmawes:

Oh my. I feel your pain. As a fellow step mother I deal with two BM's. At one point a few years ago DH was laid of and getting 98% of his unemployment check. We went to court and the judge would just ask if BM believed he was unemployed. She would just say no even though he had all proper documentation proving he was. This went on for over a year and a half. We were living off of   $100 a week had to get a lawyer and ended up having to go bankrupt.

Those BM's are such Bitches.

oye. Please do not categorize all BM's as bitches. It's highly inappropriate especially on a board that is for blended families, meaning there are plenty of BM's on this board. OP. sounds like you need a new lawyer.

cookiemomstarr

xmaryrickx:

karmawes:

Oh my. I feel your pain. As a fellow step mother I deal with two BM's. At one point a few years ago DH was laid of and getting 98% of his unemployment check. We went to court and the judge would just ask if BM believed he was unemployed. She would just say no even though he had all proper documentation proving he was. This went on for over a year and a half. We were living off of   $100 a week had to get a lawyer and ended up having to go bankrupt.

Those BM's are such Bitches.

oye. Please do not categorize all BM's as bitches. It's highly inappropriate especially on a board that is for blended families, meaning there are plenty of BM's on this board. OP. sounds like you need a new lawyer.

 

We have been researching a new lawyer, unfortunately the state we live in fathers have very little rights. DH has been fighting for 50/50 since SS was a baby.  The courts ruled SS should stay with BM since he was so young.  When SS turned 2 DH went back to try to get 50/50 again, courts said no as they did not want to disrupt SS's life.  DH went back again at 5/6yrs old and courts said no as SS is used to being with BM and visiting DH.  DH brought up the fact that BM's mother has more visitation of SS than he does, as BM leaves SS there constantly.  Courts did not care, BM can leave SS where ever she chooses on her time. 

It is just mind boggling to me as there are so many dead beat fathers in this country.  You would think the courts would love to award more custody to those fathers who want to be involved in their child's life.  The system is flawed, same with the CS calculator, it is outdated.  I am working on a petition to have the CS laws amended as they do not properly reflect working mothers. No middle class family spends $1,775 dollars a month on a 6 year old (not including school tuition).

cookiemomstarr

wendilea:

Are you in Iowa by chance?  I ask only because I am very familiar with the backwardsness of Iowa's court system.

Yes, the system is broken.  Dads should be given rights.  But the CS calculator is not just money spent directly on the child.  It's supposed to go towards the care of the child - electricity, water, rent, are all included in that calculation.  I do understand paying more than seems fair - my DH grosses somewhere between 1/3 and 1/2 of what my ex does - yet they pay the same amount for child support for the same number of children.  And both BM's work.

Nope Maryland. And I understand that the money goes towards rent, utilities and such. DH and BM both have those same bills, everyone has those same bills its called cost of living.  When I lived alone and had no children I had those bills. Sure the rent/mortgage on a two bedroom home is higher on a one bedroom and the utilities are higher. Not $1770 a month though!  Throw in the clothes, school supplies, food, entertainment....still no where close.  She puts the CS in her 401k, we found that out during court. Guess what, doesn't matter, the courts cannot tell her what to do with the CS money. 

cookiemomstarr

wendilea:

You are preaching to the choir, so please don't be defensive.  I wasn't trying to attack.  I am both BM and SM, so we send and receive CS every month.   I promise that SD1 and SS have a much higher standard of living than we do - 40" TVs in their rooms, a pool in the backyard, cars when they turn 16.  Then again, I know my girls have things that SD2 doesn't - it just isn't all fair.  BM1 uses the CS we send on fun stuff, BM2 uses it for rent and food.  We are somewhere in the middle.

Are you saying $1770 a month because that's what your DH pays in CS, or is that double the amount, so what would be "allotted"?  

I do think it's sh!tty that she's putting it in the 401K - it'd be different if she was putting it in a college fund.  But we can't control what CS is spent on.

Sorry if it came off as defensive, I was venting

The $1770 is the combined amount that the courts state that both BM and DH should be spending on SS. DH gives her $975.  They were doing a bank transfer, but BM just served DH with a pay check deduction notice.  DH has paid the full amount on time every month since CS started. She just wanted to tarnish is image at his job. lovely.

Nineoceans

I also totally agree child support is out of wack and probably adds to more problems than it solves. 6 months ago BM had custody of SS (my state is also 100% in favor of mothers if the parties were never married) and was receiving in excess of $700 per month and continuing to re-file over and over again for more. She actually asked the judge to order fi to get a better job to provide her with more CS because she was out of work. Now that we have custody we didnt ask for any CS. Our SS is 7. He doesn't have daycare or extraordinary expenses. Sure the groceries are a little more, but that's really it, and that's something we can absorb. Sports we split 50/50, medical we split 50/50. Theres no need for any more financial ties between us. Now if bm wants to open a college fund for SS that would be great, but no we do not need her money for any reason.

cookiemomstarr

Nineoceans:

I also totally agree child support is out of wack and probably adds to more problems than it solves. 6 months ago BM had custody of SS (my state is also 100% in favor of mothers if the parties were never married) and was receiving in excess of $700 per month and continuing to re-file over and over again for more. She actually asked the judge to order fi to get a better job to provide her with more CS because she was out of work. Now that we have custody we didnt ask for any CS. Our SS is 7. He doesn't have daycare or extraordinary expenses. Sure the groceries are a little more, but that's really it, and that's something we can absorb. Sports we split 50/50, medical we split 50/50. Theres no need for any more financial ties between us. Now if bm wants to open a college fund for SS that would be great, but no we do not need her money for any reason.

 

Hi five!!! 

xmaryrickx

DayDreamBeliever22:

wendilea:

Are you in Iowa by chance?  I ask only because I am very familiar with the backwardsness of Iowa's court system.

Yes, the system is broken.  Dads should be given rights.  But the CS calculator is not just money spent directly on the child.  It's supposed to go towards the care of the child - electricity, water, rent, are all included in that calculation.  I do understand paying more than seems fair - my DH grosses somewhere between 1/3 and 1/2 of what my ex does - yet they pay the same amount for child support for the same number of children.  And both BM's work.

Nope Maryland. And I understand that the money goes towards rent, utilities and such. DH and BM both have those same bills, everyone has those same bills its called cost of living.  When I lived alone and had no children I had those bills. Sure the rent/mortgage on a two bedroom home is higher on a one bedroom and the utilities are higher. Not $1770 a month though!  Throw in the clothes, school supplies, food, entertainment....still no where close.  She puts the CS in her 401k, we found that out during court. Guess what, doesn't matter, the courts cannot tell her what to do with the CS money. 

we are in Maryland too and we have not had these issues. Actually, I know quite a few fathers who have 50/50 or full custody. We live in a very HCOL area, and CS reflects that. If you want to talk off board PM me and I would be happy to give you a few lawyer reccs, perhaps they service your area.