Does your family acknowledge your loss?

Jackie2200

Hi Ladies,

This past week, my DH and I were on a family vacation with my parents. 

At one point in the week, an older man started chatting with us and asked my mom how many grandchildren she had.  My mom answered "one" referring to my sister's 2 month old.  I felt so stabbed in the heart.  I don't understand why she didn't answer "three" or "one living grandchild." 

I walked off to go cry, which left my mom upset at me for making her feel bad for saying the "wrong thing", when to her, she was saying the "right thing."   So much drama....but anyway...

Do your parents acknowledge you loss in general conversation?  Have you heard them not acknowledge it?  Am I crazy for being upset at this comment?

Thanks!

Jackie

 

hewinked

I think some people will not acknowledge the loss (even parents who had the loss) just to not deal with having to say it to a perfect stranger.  I hate answering the question of how many kids I have cuz of dealing with other people's reaction.  I usually answer truthfully, but I can understand why people don't.

Saying that, yes, I would be upset.  Especially with you sitting right there; it should have been acknowledged.  I just want people to remember Adam.  I'm afraid people will forget him as time goes on.  So far everyone acknowledges that he was here, but I wonder how or if that will change. 

roxyttandme

My mom would probably say the same as your mom - but then look at me and ask if that was okay. She gets it either way. Otherwise, on Haleigh's birthdays, I get calls and it is acknowledged at least by MIL and my mom. My dad and step mom - not as much. 

rvandiver0705

My family will talk to me about it, but not in general conversation.  It used to upset me, but I've just gotten used to it.  Granted, my parents work together and everyone knew about it there, so it isn't like it is some sort of secret.  People actually come up to my parents and talk to them about it at work and synagogue.

I just add words to conversations in my head, if that makes sense.  If someone asks me "Is that your first?"  I add "take home baby" in my head.  When I was pregnant I would mention it more, but that was more because I didn't want unsolicited advice about birth, etc.  When people are having conversation about me, in front of me, I try to use the same emotional tactics.

I also know that while I don't shy away from awkward conversations, that some people do, and I have to respect that.  I just refuse to lie, KWIM? 

jgengo0

The only people that have/ continue to acknowledge our loss are my parents , Dh's grandparents and my sister.

No other family member has said a thing. Not even an I'm sorry. Dh's parents didn't even send a card. However, they are extremely odd.

I'm wondering if my mom told the other family members not to say anything? When it first happened I told my parents I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. 

 I'm at the point where I WANT to talk about Lilah and no one but my mom and sister will acknowledge her. It is extremely frustrating.  If I bring her up to DH he just tells me that I should feel so lucky Audra made it through everything. I am lucky, but a loss is a loss.

I find myself talking about Lilah to sales people when I go to the mall, etc. if twins somehow gets brought up in conversation. Surprisingly, it does. I feel bad that I make them uncomfortable and then again I don't care.

I never got to see her or hold her, because she spent 9 weeks in utero after she passed in order to give Audra a chance to survive. Talking about her makes lets me know she was real and as time goes by she seems less "real" to me, so I need that validation through conversation.   

 

 

magdalina.h

My family does. I don't know about MH's family. They have a picture of Aidan in their living room, but we don't ever go out in public with them. I'm afraid they don't so I don't want to hear their answer.

mathteacher

I can totally understand how your mother's answer upset you.  However, I would try to remember intent.  Did you mother intend to hurt you with her answer or did she intend to just give a quick answer to a stranger?

 

I'll give you an example from my family (I hope this helps, otherwise please ignore me).  If someone walked up to my parents and asked them how many grandkids they have they would answer 4, this happened recently so I know this.  The 4 kids they would be counting are my 2 girls and my brothers 2 boys.  However my sister is due with a baby in 2 weeks, but they didn't count her yet.  My sister also lost twins last year at 23 weeks, my parents didn't count those babies either.  I'm sure it is hard for my parents to know who to exactly include in their answer.  If they count my sisters twins, do they count the daughter I miscarried at 12 weeks (she was only 11 weeks younger than her twin cousins)?  Should they then count my sister in law's baby she miscarried at 4 weeks (chemical pregnancy)?  I'll admit it gets tricky for them to answer.  I'm sure since it is just a question from a stranger it was easier for them to answer 4.  We are all hoping and praying any day now they can answer 5 and my sister will have a "take home baby".

 

My sister has had to work hard for her babies.  She suffers infertility and has gone through IVF to get pregnant.  She has been ttc since 2007!

 

I really hope you don't mind I shared my answer.  I know my loss does not qualify me for this board.  However, I sometimes lurk so I can get a better understanding of how my sister might feel.  Especially with such an emotional time coming up in her life, the birth of one child after losing two.  I have learned it is best to acknowledge her twins and not just pretend they didn't exist even though she will now have a baby in her arms.

ruthymusney

My mom did this just days after everything happened. Someone asked her "how many grandchildren do you have?" my mom, with out hesitating, said 4. I corrected her and said "she has 5" it really upset me. I probably should have left it alone. DH wasn't too happy about it when I told him.

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pb127

Mine does in that I sign cards from all of us, but I don't think they force other people to acknowledge they are grandparents (the ladies my mom volunteers with and my dad's friends sent condolences that they weren't grandparents yet when DS passed). DH's parents also had a late loss (20+ weeks) and have a hard time with it still, so he's asked that I don't sign cards from all of us and not talk about our LOs in front of them, and I honor that. I stopped caring what other people, including family does/says, because it hurts far too much. I have 3 and we are a family of 5, and as long as I know, that's all I care about.

Carolee

I don't think you're out of line for being upset.  I don't recall hearing a conversation of this nature, but I would hope that my mom would say count Eliott as her grandson.  (((HUGS))) I'm sorry that happened.

mrsnapaluch

HUGS. I am so sorry for you. Just reading about it happening to you made me so angry. I couldn't imagine it happening to me. I only hope I never hear anyone in our families failing to acknowledge our son. 

I think DH's family is not going to acknowledge him and I hate them for it. I can only be happy that we live over six hours away from them and that I never have to talk to them.

I am getting Avery's foot tattooed on my foot with his name and date and my mom asked me if she could get it done as well. I was so very happy that she chose to do it with me.

I really hope it gets better for you.