Worried about a friend who's experienced loss...
ateal2490
member
Hello everyone....
I need some advice for a friend who experienced a loss about a year ago. Her baby had a genetic disorder and lived for about 3 months, all of which were spent in the hospital. Right before he was about to come home, he passed.
I am very worried about my friend. Sometimes it seems as though she is dealing with her loss very well...and then there are moments that shock me beyond belief.
My friend has made her entire home into a shrine. The things she has made for her baby are beautiful...but they own her home. This alone wouldn't illicit alarm, but combined with everything else, it worries me.
She carries around her baby's urn. She brings it wherever she goes, and for holidays, she dresses the urn up. 4th of July, she put necklaces around the urn and sunglasses on it. For his birthday, she put a hat on it, purchased a cake, and had a legit birthday party. She has also been known to cuddle with the urn on a semi-daily basis.
I don't know what to do about this...or what to advise her husband to do. He is afraid to say anything to her for fear she will lose it. He is truly lost and I don't know what to tell him.
Please, anyone, if you have any useful words I could pass onto him, that would be so greatly appreciated.
Re: Worried about a friend who's experienced loss...
I wouldn't judge her for any of it. In fact, none of this seems weird to me at all.
I sleep with my son's blanket that he passed away in. I haven't washed it, and he passed 9 1/2 months ago. It was the last thing that touched him (that I have), and I can't wash it. I kiss my son's urn every night before I go to bed. I've considered taking him on vacation with us cuz I didn't wanna leave him behind. A friend of mine carried her baby's urn everywhere with her for a year cuz she was afraid there would be a fire or a break in, and the urn would be gone....the only thing she had left of her daugther. The same reasons I wanted to take my son's on vacation. Another friend just bought an urn type necklace to carry her son with her. I've considered buying him all the first holiday onesies, even though he isn't here to wear them. I didn't, but I've had them in my hand ready to buy, especially in the beginning. I have a display cabinet in my home dedicated to my son...pictures, his urn, statues, his hand and foot print molds. I've made a memory box. I have a display case of his first and last outfits. I have pictures everywhere. I have dedicated part of my outside garden to my son's memory. I have memorial jewelry. I'm having a birthday party for him in 2 weeks, with a cake. I will sing happy birthday to him and remember his birthday on his day for as long as I live.
This may sound strange to you, but I am not concerned with how I am grieving, nor are my family or friends. And if someone ever judged me for how I was grieving or remembering my son, I would not want that person in my life.
Our children are gone. All we have are memories and items. That's it. Never judge unless you've been through it. Your friend is doing the only things she knows to remember her child and deal with her grief.
"When you have a child, your instinct is to protect them. When you lose a child, your instinct is to protect their memory."
This!
I think bringing the urn with her WHEREVER she goes would worry me a bit. The rest, not-so-much. I think there is healthy grieving and unhealthy grieving and this (for me) falls under the unhealthy category, but everyone is different.
My Parents lost my sister in a car accident when she was 17-yo. My mom would just sit in a rocking chair and rock back and forth all day. My other sister told my dad he had to do something to help her. My dad took her to a grief meeting and it was there where she got the strength to go on with her daily life. There were people who hadn't touched their child's room for 12 years.. My mom decided she couldn't be like those people. That he had a decision. She decided to " live her life to the fullest" in memory of my sister who had passed on- sake of my siblings and myself.
If he hasn't already I would tell her husband that he should recommend that they go to group counseling. I'd make sure to tell him that he should make sure he presents it as 100% for his benefit and that he asks her to go along with him. She may be exposed to some better coping mechanisms, share with others going through the same thing, or in my mother's case- have an epiphany.
Above all else, just remember that everyone deals with grief differently. There is no right away.
Lost Lilah (Audra's twin) at 26 weeks. Cause unknown. Forever in our hearts
I don't think there is anything wrong with the way she is grieving either. I was only reading the other day about a woman who has started a business selling specially prepared bears for grieving parents to place urns in so they can hug them properly and take them out and about and get fewer weird/sympathetic looks. I know it is hard to understand and from an outsiders perspective might seem worrying, but really, it's her way of coping and it is ok.
Good for you for watching out for your friend though
We buried both of my dd's, but I have their memorial boxes decorated on a shelf in our office, along with their names on the wall above the shelf.
Give her support, love, and friendship. But, please don't judge her. If taking the urn with her places gives her comfort then why worry about it. As for the birthday party, why not have a celebration of the baby's short life?
I think it's amazing that you are trying to look out for your friend.
That being said, It comes across to me that you are doing more judging than helping!
Everyone grieves differently, it is usually harder on the mother than the father because she had more bonding time with the baby! I don't think what she is doing is weird!
I have a "shrine" for my daughter, we put new flowers on it every other day! Her room, is still the exact same as the day we lost her. I even go in there and sweep, vacuum, dust and wash windows!
As far as the urn goes, I wear some of my daughters ashes with me everyday. That is all she has left of her baby. What if there was a fire at the house while the ashes were there? She would have nothing left, her shrine would be destroyed!
I read my daughter a book every day! Does that make me weird? Sure, who cares. I sleep with her blanket that she had in the hospital every night. Morbid? Maybe. But it gets to a point where we have to do what's right for us. I stopped caring if my actions regarding my daughter made some people uncomfortable. I'm the one that has to survive from my loss minute by minute, not them!
I agree completely. Our losses aren't "normal" and there really isn't a "normal" for us anymore. We all cope in our own ways. FWIW, my doctor is aware of my coping methods and isn't alarmed at all.
Think of it this way, look at all the parents with living children and consider how much they dote on their children. Now consider all that love, attention and affection that is still there but without that child being there, whether or not there are other children in the picture. Painful and devastating don't begin to describe what she's feeling. Be there for her, let her celebrate and miss her baby however she feels. This is life-long grief to live with.
? to Loss+M/PL+TTCAL+PgAL+PAL
PgAL/PAL welcome
I feel terrible if it seems like I came off as judging....I didn't know that I was....if I was.
Thank you everyone....I really needed to know if there was a reason for worry, but if there isn't (and it seems to be the case) then her hubs and I can just continue to support her.
And that teddy bear sounds like an amazing idea.
Thanks again, all.