GUILT---> Let's talk about it.

lovemymaddy

Maybe if I say it all out loud then it'll make me feel better?

 1.) I feel guilty and I hate that even though I called the dr. for not feeling Timmy move as much, I still feel like I should have "known" something was wrong sooner and even if I would have called a few hours earlier, would it have made any difference?

2.) I feel guilty that I held him in my arms for over an hour and didn't know anything was wrong. The only video that we have of him is from right after he was born and he's just crying and crying. We figured it was because that's what newborn babies do when they are born but now I feel so guilty because he was probably in pain and none of us knew about it to do anything to help him. 

3.) I feel guilty that I don't feel happy for any of my friends right now that are just finding out that they are pregnant. I guess it just makes me so darn sad for myself. And jealous that they still live in this naive world where they get to enjoy being pregnant and not have to live in fear that their child will "live the odds" and pass away at four days old from a freaking complication that is so rare that even if I would have walked into the dr's office on the day that it all started, no one would have been able to notice it. 

4.) I feel guilty that DH and I want to ttc again because my fear is that because Timmy passed away from complications of a placental abruption, that I'll have another one and then that child will pass away too. I fear that me being selfish and wanting another child one day could ultimately make another one pass away. Does that make sense? 

I could go on forever but I'll stop there...What do you feel guilty about? 

 

nidawi6

I feel guilty for not holding my baby longer, looking at all of her fingers and all of her toes, and making arrangements for a burial or cremation myself rather than hand her over to the hospital. I just couldn't handle it at the time. I was in shock, drugged up, confused...

I feel guilty for not making sure that I knew every little detail about her measurements, when she officially passed, what meds they gave me in the hospital, what my blood pressure numbers were. I just feel like this was the most important event of my life so far and that I should know every tiny detail of everything and I don't.

starrkitten89

1.)I feel guilty that my diabetes may have caused my daughter's heart defect.The doctors keep assuring me that mine was well controlled and it didn't cause it,but I don't believe them.

2.)I feel guilty that when I was staying at Boston Children's(about 2/2.5 hours away from us) I had my husband bring me home for one full day each week for a "break" from living in a room the size of a cubicle at the hospital.Now I am mad at myself because that's more time I could have spent with my daughter.

3.)I feel guilty that I am always the pessimist,and always felt like I knew she would not surivive.Did my pessimism make it happen?I know that's dumb,but I can't stop thinking it.

nidawi6

starrkitten89 - omg, I feel like that too. From the moment I knew I was pregnant I would tell people that yes, I'm pregnant, but you never know what might happen, it's still so early, this might not work out. And during my weekly check-ups when it was obvious that there were complications, I kept telling myself that things might not work out after all. And they didn't. Ugh... 

starrkitten89

nidawi6:

starrkitten89 - omg, I feel like that too. From the moment I knew I was pregnant I would tell people that yes, I'm pregnant, but you never know what might happen, it's still so early, this might not work out. And during my weekly check-ups when it was obvious that there were complications, I kept telling myself that things might not work out after all. And they didn't. Ugh... 

See it's weird,I wasn't like that during most of the pregnancy,which is really,really rare for me.I thought we were to the point where any problem would have been found already(how naive of me).Then we found out around 28 weeks that there "may" be a problem,and it all started back up.It's such a crappy feeling.

roxyttandme

Wow. Guilt. That is a big one. 

1.) I feel guilty for terminating. I know we made the right decision - but that doesn't take away the hurt of actually doing it.

2.) I feel guilty for doing anything wrong in my pg. When we were in HI, I was 10 weeks pg. We went on a boat ride that at the end was extremely rough. We drove our rental car up dirt roads that were unpaved and they were rough too. I think about all these things (including food I ate) as a possible cause for our daughter's Amniotic Band Syndrome. I have guilt and sometimes think I did something to cause it.

3.) I have guilt that my body failed her. My amniotic bands ruptured - not hers. It was my body that caused her all the unimaginable damage.  

krysiahamaty

I feel guilty that I didn't notice if Jack was not moving and that maybe if I went in earlier, something could have been done to save him.

I feel guilty that I might have done something during my pregnancy (since it was so easy) that might have caused an issue.

I feel guilty that I did not hold Jack longer, that I didn't examine his features better, that I didn't spend more time with him, that I didn't look at his hair more, that I didn't memorize every little thing about him.

I feel guilty for wanting another baby already so badly. Though I know another baby will not replace Jack and I know a part of me will always want it to be him, I feel selfish thinking that we should try again right away.

I feel guilty that I am not happy for my friends that are either pregnant or having babies. I am just so jealous and bitter.

Guilt sucks....

magdalina.h

Oh man I struggle a lot with guilt

1) I feel guilty for flying to Vegas. I know that didn't cause my cord to fail, but I still feel guilty.

 2) I didn't want to be that mom that was calling the OB with normal things. So I feel guilty that I waited until my appointment instead of calling to say that I wasn't feeling him as much. If I had gone sooner I could have gotten the second steroid shot which could have strengthen the vessels in his brain.

3) Guilt that I didn't spend every waking moment in the NICU. I was told that he needed to rest and I knew that when I was in the room he would react to me. I still feel guilty that I didn't get more time with him

4) I felt intense guilt when I got pregnant again. I was worried that Aidan would think I was trying to replace him. It took me awhile before I "got over that".

4) I still feel guilty when I'm playing with Lucas. If my cord, MY body, hadn't failed, Aidan could have survived.

figgs0831

1) I feel guilty that I didn't get to hold my baby.

2)  I feel guily that I didn't give him a proper burial.  Instead, chose to do a community burial.  We didn't have time to calculate the cost and make phone calls since the hospital was pressuring us to choose prior to delivery.

3) I feel guilty about how I feel towards the pregnant women I know who were due around me.  I look at their bellies and feel rage.  The bigger the get and the closer the die date gets.... the worse I feel.

figgs0831

nidawi6:

I feel guilty for not holding my baby longer, looking at all of her fingers and all of her toes, and making arrangements for a burial or cremation myself rather than hand her over to the hospital. I just couldn't handle it at the time. I was in shock, drugged up, confused...

This exactly.  I always felt like I was the only one.  Everything happened so quickly that I couldn't process anything, just went through the motions.

easjer05

There is a lot less I feel guilty about now.  Having to learn to let some of that go was difficult, but better for me.

But things I have felt guilty about at one point or another:

1. Not spending more time with him.  We made the decision to let him go when they moved me to a room.  We'd spent a little over three hours with his body, and I thought if I didn't let them take him then I would never let him go.  But I wish I'd asked about bathing him or something.  I wish I'd touched him more.  I was so afraid to unwrap him when he was alive, because I didn't want him to be cold or uncomfortable, and then I was afraid that I would hurt him, even after he was dead.  I wish I'd kissed him more.

2. Second opinions.  Deep down, I knew things weren't right, and I wish I'd pushed harder to get better answers or trusted my gut and made another appointment.  I didn't want the hassle or to be a bother, and I wanted badly to trust my caregivers and believe what they were telling me.  My new OB nailed the problem in about 10 seconds after I told her the story, with no evidence before her.  It might have saved him.

3. I wish I had been more vocal about what I needed afterwards.  I wish I hadn't been as afraid of offending people.  

4. I didn't love him until 4 days before he was born.  I held back.  I was never sure the pregnancy would work, and I wanted to love him - and I did - but I can tell you the moment I fell head over heels for him, and that was at the anatomy scan, when we watched him suck his thumb.  Absolutely gone.  It hurt so much to fall like that and then lose him.  And I felt so guilty that he may ever have felt unloved or unwanted.  

Auki13

1.  I feel guilt that I was scared to see my daughter when I found out she had anencephaly.  I saw pictures of babies with it online and was terrified that I would find her ugly.  When she was born it was a bit of a shock to see her, but she was my baby and gorgeous.  I wish I wasn't so scared during the pregnancy about it.

2. I wish I would have gotten a good photo of the whole family while the NILMDTS photographer was there, but the kids were exhausted (it was midnight and they usually are in bed by 7:30), and I thought they just needed to go home and get to bed.  Now I realize that it was are only opportunity and I blew it.

3.  I wish I would have looked more at Annabelle but as someone mentioned before when she was alive I was too scared that she would get cold and when she passed I was scared I would hurt her and I didn't want her even colder than she already was.  

4. By the end of my pregnancy I had extremely severe polyhydramnios (excessive amniotic fluid) and my legs would spasm due to lack of circulation and I was extremely uncomfortable.  I wish I could have gotten past that pain to enjoy the last few weeks I had with her.   

mdluv21

1.)  Somedays I feel guilty that I didn't hold the babies.  It was just so sudden and scary and I was so sick (I threw up during the entire delivery and after) that I had no idea what the right choices were.  I still think in my heart I did what was right for us.  I loved every minute of every ultra sound I had and that is how I want to remember my babies.  It might be selfish but it is true.

2.)  I feel guilty because I never enjoyed being pregnant.  I was so scared every minute and I now blame all that stress on being a contributer to losing them.

3.)  I was terrified of twins.  I had no idea how we were going to do it with little family help and financially but I would take back all those worries in a second if it meant I could have my babies back.

4.)  I already feel guilty about trying to have another baby.  If that baby survives and the twins didn't I will just feel terrible but yet I pray for uneventful pregnancy more than anything else. It is tough to feel both of those at the same time.

5.)  I feel guilty when I miss one of my Sunday visits to the cemetery.

Heatherhah

I feel guilty that I didn't let DD#1 see her sister before we had to have her taken to the funeral home but DH didn't want her to go through that he thoiught she couldnt handle it I think she could have but I let him make the decision for us.

I feel guilty that i will never truly have a real family photo with all of us unless it is photoshopped. Which sucks.

I feel like I should have pushed the doctors more to see that she needed to be delivered before my scheduled c section but i trusted my doctors and they made me wait only to lose my baby. I feel guilty for hating them for that. She was so ready to come out but wasnt engaging and making me dilate and they could have pushed for me but they didnt.  I feel like i shuld have gone in the day before she died and tried to make them do the c section early and maybe if i did that she would be alive with me today. I feel like I failed her and that guilt SUCKS!!

I feel guilt that my DD #1 will never know her sister that she looked forward to seeing and loving. I want another baby but i feel guilty about that too. I feel like people will think I dont miss or love Sydney if I have another baby!! I know it isn't true but i feel like it will be what they think.   

 I guess guilt is a thijg all of us will feel forever!!!

Heather

AmyG2b

I feel guilty for being really upset when they told me Ellie had down syndrome. Little did I know that it was the least of the problems. I also feel guilty for grieving the loss of the dream and our future, instead of solely Ellie. I feel guilty for wanting to get pregnant again right away.

butterfly843

1. I feel guilty that I didn't cut back on hours and relax more when I was pg, I also feel guilty for not reading up on warning signs of preterm labor and think if I had I would've called the dr about my back pain instead of just thinking it was a pregnancy symptom.

2. I wish we would have buried our babies instead of the hospital taking care of it. It was such a rushed decision once I went into labor and then I was rushed into surgery because the placenta was stuck. I was half out of it when they asked.

3. I feel guilty for not having our own camera with us to take pictures, the hospital gave us a disposable camera and those pictures didn't come out.

Carolee

I feel guilty that I didn't push for a check when I noticed a change in movement a week before Eliott died. 

I feel guilty for not questioning the doctor further when my blood panels came back several times with elevated white cells and traces of protein in my urine.  I was told this was normal.  Now I'm not sure.

I feel guilty that I didn't hold Eliott more, since the time we had with him was so short.

hewinked

All of my guilt comes from not taking Adam to the doctor for things we noticed.  We made parenting/judgment calls instead.  We said, "we'll ask the doctor about this at his 2 mo appointment," which Adam died 2 days before.  We thought we knew what to do, just being experienced parents.  I wonder if we would have been more active about things we thought were minor (like his cold) would he still be alive.  It eats me up.

easjer05

Oh, you beautiful mothers, reading all of this makes my heart fill with sadness.  We carry so much guilt and we shouldn't.  The decisions you (we) made while you (we) were in shock, in pain, under medications - they were the best you (we) could do at the time.  That is what parenting is, when you get down to it.  You (we) loved our babies and if we could have foreseen the future, we would have changed it.  If we could have known the outcomes, we would have stopped it.  If we could have done anything to save them we would have. 

So much of the guilt I feel is illogical, the decisions I made leading up to things, were reasonable.  And that is true of each one of you as well.  I so hope that the guilt you carry begins to resolve, and that you eventually find some peace in your hearts.

hannahlb2

I'm ashamed that I was embarrassed the last time my daughter cried. I'm ashamed that she died under a blanket (I was trying to feed her in a public place). Also, that i didn't have the right words would the doctor declared her gone.

karebear57

I feel guilty that I didn't call the dr. when I didn't feel her move around for almost a wk. I just thought maybe girls were lazier babies than boys since I only have boys and when they started moving around they didn't slow down until the end of pregnancy.I didn't want to be a pest n feel stupid if nothing was wrong. I've had drs. make me feel like that before(but different circumstances)

 I feel guilty that I couldn't protect my daughter and maybe if I had paid better attention to my body then maybe she would still be in my belly. I had b.v. at my first doc. appt. n got meds for it but maybe another infect. sprouted up since on occasion I have painful urination but since I sometimes get it I don't really think about it.

 I also feel guilty not knowing she had passed away a couple of wks before that fatefull us. I just cannot believe I didn't know that, how could u not know?

I feel guilty that I wanna try again real soon and that I want to try anything to have a baby girl that I get to keep with me this time. 

I feel guilty feeling like this and that my body not only failed me but my little girl so that must make me a failure and if I couldn't take care of her while she was inside of me then maybe I couldn't have taken very good care of her on the outside and maybe that's why she was taken from me so soon. It was a cruel lesson to teach me to grow a backbone. 

I feel guilty that I miss her so very much when I have my boys here with me. Maybe people think I don't love them as much (but they would be very wrong)

johnnys june

I'm a little late...but I think I need to get this out...for my own emotional and mental health.

1.  I feel guilty for being "too healthy."  I was working out, doing pilates, ect.  I don't think that was bad, I just feel like maybe I shouldn't have continued the day I felt crampy.  Like somehow I progressed the pre-term labor.

2.  I feel guilty that DH and I had a huge fight.  **Confession** I had made the decision that if DH didn't get his act together and stop treating me a certain way that I was going to have to make a decision to leave...for the baby.  ((NOTE:  DH has changed/matured alot since then and we don't have these same issues...but I still think about that and wonder if Logan had a choice in his coming.  Like somehow he knew me and DH needed something to bring us together.))

3.  I feel guilty for not sitting by his bedside every waking moment.  I feel like I was home more than I was with him.  I know he needed his rest.  I now I needed mine because of the c-section.  But we lived 45 minutes away from the hospital and there were 24 hour spans of time where I didn't see him.  I would give anything to rewind just so I can sit by his bedside and tell him every single second I had with him how much I loved him.

4.  I feel guilty for feeling guilty.  If that makes sense. 

Mjmksb04

hewinked:

All of my guilt comes from not taking Adam to the doctor for things we noticed.  We made parenting/judgment calls instead.  We said, "we'll ask the doctor about this at his 2 mo appointment," which Adam died 2 days before.  We thought we knew what to do, just being experienced parents.  I wonder if we would have been more active about things we thought were minor (like his cold) would he still be alive.  It eats me up.

 

Yes, this exactly, except for my DD it was her one week appointment. I noticed a few thing that seemed not right, but I figured I would just talk to her ped at her appointment and never in a million years would have predicted that she had a rare form of CHD. I feel guilty that she may have been uncomfortable and suffering that she was at home with us. I am angry that the nursing staff at our birthing center did not give us a refresher on spotting respiatory distress before we left because they assumed we were experienced parents and maybe I would have spotted her distress had I known.

mrsmacias2008

I feel guilty for not knowing something was wrong. I thought it was a bad UTI. It was the start of an infection and was eventually going to hurt my girl.

I feel guilty for not holding her longer. I was in shock. And when they tried to deliver the placenta, they couldn't. I started bleeding very badly and they had to rush me off to a d& c. I wasn't there when she took her final breath. I know they were trying to save me....but I should have been there. I don't think I ever said this to anyone.

weddedwife

I know this is an old post, but I am so so glad to find it and realize I'm not alone in my guilt. I need to express this. And I am saddened that we all feel so guilty- we can't all be right, right?

I feel guilty for not going to get checked when I had an increase in clear discharge- it might have been small amounts of amniotic fluid- I just figured it was increased pregnancy discharge. I was checked a few days before after I passed what looked like a mucus plug, but everything looked fine. Baby was moving, cervix was long/closed. I should have gone back in but I didn't want to be the paranoid mother- I figured I had done this before, I was no rookie.

I feel guilty for not noticing the lower back pain as early labor. I feel guilty for not getting checked for having BH contractions, but I had them for months w/ my daughter. I should've known they were too many too close together.

I feel guilty for waiting to see if the contractions would subside. I feel guilty for being at work and trying to finish the task at hand before going to the hospital. I thought at most they would give me some meds to stop the contractions. I did not know I would lose my baby 2.5 hours later.

I feel guilty for not holding him after he was born. I waited until DH got to the hospital; he arrived from a business trip 15 minutes after our son was born. I had to be rushed into a d&c as the placenta came out in pieces and I was bleeding heavily. We didn't hold him until after I came to. I feel guilty for not holding him longer, for not having our camera to take decent pics, for not noticing the footprints they took were awful & asking them to take new ones.

I feel guilty for my body failing him; I could feel him moving up until minutes before I delivered. My water had broken, I knew he was only going to die when I gave birth.

I feel guilty for being so weak & tired and not playing with DD. I feel guilty for feeling annoyed when she is whiny & clingy. I feel guilty for having scared her when I cried really hard one night. I feel guilty for not giving her all the attention she deserves. I feel guilty for having my mom & MIL watch her while I rest.

I feel guilty that he was in the hospital morgue, cold and alone until we decided what to do with his remains. I feel guilty that he had to wait 9 days to be cremated. I feel guilty for not naming him until a few days later. We should've named him when we held him. I feel guilty for contemplating not naming him what we had chosen and saving that name for another baby.

 Wow. I feel way more guilt than I thought I did. It just keeps coming.