To be practical or be happy...

emi1027

Hey girls, First of all, I just want to say that I'm so sorry that any of us have to be here. I wouldn't wish the pain of miscarriage/loss on my worst enemy.I guess I'm here to get some honest opinions from women who have been in my shoes. Here's a short rundown of our story:We got married really young. I'm set to graduate with my BSN in May, and my husband in right in the middle of a three year long, full time graduate program (surgical physician's assistant).  I had planned to apply to graduate school and begin within the next year. I wanted to be a mom really bad, but was perfectly fine with waiting until we were both finished with school and more financially established (after all, baby couldn't have a Restoration Hardware nursery on graduate student income). Anyway, I was content...until I got pregnant. The moment that stick turned blue, I swear I was happier than I've ever been in my life. I loved that little one more than I ever knew I was capable of loving. I knew it would be stressful, but I had faith it would be ok. That baby was my world and I didn't care that we'd be jammed in our tiny apartment for the first year or two. We've always been frugal and hard workers...I knew we'd make it.  And then I lost him/her before I made it to my second trimester. It was like in a blink of  an eye my joy was gone. I've always been a very happy person, but now I just feel like a huge part of me has been ripped out. It's now been 7 weeks since I lost our little one, and I'm still a wreck. I feel like I won't be "complete" until I'm a mom. I know that sounds so dramatic. I don't want to replace the baby I lost, but I suddenly have no desire to just focus on my career. I want to be a mom first, and have my career second. I just don't know what to do. So here's the advice I'm looking for:What would you do if you were in my shoes? Are any of you out there working as an RN (or a job with similar hours) with a baby? Is your schedule flexible enough? How do you work out child care with such odd hours? - My husband will begin taking call (without pay) a year from now. I want to stay at home when I have a baby so badly (my mom stayed at home until my youngest brother started first grade), but while he's in school I would have to work some. Any suggestions for childcare? (I've seen some really crappy childcare situations, so I have some trust issues.) Or am I just plain crazy for not being willing to wait 2 years to have a baby?I would do anything to bring my baby back. But now that it's my conscious decision to decide whether or not to try again immediately, I'm so confused- I don't know if I should be "practical" and wait a couple of years, or go with what I know I want more than anything and try again immediately.  Thank you for any help you have to offer. Sorry this was so long.

angielayne926

PetraStonegirl:

I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board.

Please understand that, although you clearly aren't trying to replace one child with another, this driving need to be a mom again as soon as possible is a part of the grieving process. This is legitimate grief and you need to give it time and process through it.

Keep trying, but don't neglect your life in the mean time. 

This! 

Although I'm not a nurse, I've worked in child care settings and see many people who are nurses bring their children into the centers on a "part-time" schedule.  They may come two days one week, three days the next and maybe only one day the following week.  This all depends on how your schedule meshes with your DH's schedule.  You can make it work, it just takes a little juggling sometimes. 

lillissas85

First of all, so sorry for your loss. I don't know that it ever gets better-that feeling of loss. For me, it has gotten easier to get through each day, but it hasn't gone away, and it isn't "better". Hang in there, and eventually that "missing piece" finds a place in your heart, where its tucked away, and you can continue with your life.

As for waiting to TTC: Only you (and your DH) can make that decision. Plenty of people work and have children. I am an RN and many of my co-workers have children, and they make it work.  You just have to decide what would be best for you, and what would fit with your lifestyle. No matter what situation you are in, I assume that having children involves some sacrifice.  I think you should sit down with your husband and decide what your priorities are at this point.

Sorry-that probably doesn't totally answer your question, but its my opinion. Welcome to the board. I am sorry you have to be here, but it really is an incredible group of ladies, and I hope you find as much comfort and support as I have.

LaTi07

I'm very sorry for you loss.

Ultimately, this is really only a question you and your DH can answer. It is completely normal to want to get pg again after having a loss, even if the pg was unexpected. It's not that you are trying to replace the baby you lost or are being impractical. Sometimes we don't realize how badly we want something until we get it and then have it taken away. Would the wait had been easier if you didn't get pg? No one can really say. It would be different that's for sure.

My sister is an RN and just had her son. She hasn't gone back to work yet, but she is going to go back. There are issues they will have to work around, but that goes for anyone and it's doable. My DH is a cop and works nights so when he goes back to work when we have kids, it's me flying solo. You have to decide if this is something you guys want right now and are willing to make any sacrifices necessary to make this goal a reality. Will having a child make schooling harder? Yes. Will having a child make finances tighter? Yes. But if this is something you guys really want, then you will find a way.

I always look at it like there really is never a "good" time to have children. No matter how much you plan for them and prepare, there are always going to be hurdles thrown in there. Having a baby now will make some things more difficult, but millions of families get through it every day and you would too. You guys just need to sit down and list what your priorities are. If you guys decide to go for it, great. If you decide to wait, great. Either way, only you two can make this decision. Good luck with whatever you decide!

emi1027

Thank you all for your advice and support.  LaTi07, I completely agree that there is never a "perfect" time to have a baby. I've talked to my mom about this a lot and she had similar advice. She and my daddy had me when my dad was still in graduate school (although he graduated about 2 months later), and my mom stayed at home. They made it work, and so would we. My husband and I have talked about it a lot, and we both just come to the same conclusion that we want to have a baby very badly, but I guess we're just concerned about the financial aspect and childcare. All of our family is within 2 hours away, but not quite close enough to babysit weekly for me to work, unless I'm able to get a Baylor position (fingers crossed). I don't have a problem with people putting children in daycare, it's just not something I could ever see myself doing. My husband and I were both raised by stay-at-home moms (who both, by the way, have fantastic careers now, later in life), so it's just how we see our little ones being raised. I'm hoping I could work it out to hire someone I really trust to nanny on the couple of days I do work when husband is on call...if we decide to go ahead and try again. Ok, that was long and way too much information! Thanks for hearing me out, guys. Like I said, we're fairly young so a lot of my friends are nowhere near considering children and this just isn't something I like to open up about. Sometimes it's just easier to talk to strangers! I guess I didn't need advice as much as I needed people who have been in a similar situation to hear me out and make me feel less crazy.

amandachs

You sound like your speaking directly to me, so I'll give you my thoughts.  I am currently trying to get into an ADN program, and my DH is dragging his heels on baby making thinking I *will* get in.  We are trying, but I don't feel like he's trying as hard as he could if you KWIM.  I'm not so sure I'll get in, it's not my first time applying, and I don't want to put the only thing I have every truly wanted to be, a mom, on hold for a maybe.  The baby we were going to have was due two days ago, and would have been perfect timing.  I could have taken maternity leave from my job now and by the time it ended school would be starting.  I'm not so much worried about childcare, I have dozens of friends who work similar schedules or who are nurses themselves who would be willing to help out. 

My DH is worried about the financial aspect, and I'm totally not.  We also have always been frugal and smart spenders so I don't anticipate it being the issue that he does.  I actually work similar hours that a nurse might, and have worked 12's in a hospital alongside nurses who are moms to newborns and toddlers.  I guess this is where my optimism that it will work out comes from.  Trust me, I don't want to have to wait two more years to *try* to have a baby either.  The way I see it, when you're working shifts, you're working hours that some normal regualar 9-5 people aren't.  I would be ok with my baby doing a partial day in a decent daycare on a part-time basis and then being picked up by my DH or a good friend when they get off work. 

People who are responsible, like us, have babies all the time under situations that aren't perfect or ideal, but that doesn't make them bad situations either.  I know that their are online programs that you can do for your masters in nursing, just as their are transition programs I could do to get my BSN.  This is a route I would take if I had to work, you do your 3 12's, come home and while baby is down napping/sleeping you can log in and do coursework on your schedule.  That way you're still working, bringing home the bacon, while your DH is doing his no pay call rotation, but you don't have to sacrifice either of your wants either. 

For me, I'm going to have to have student loans to get through school either way I look at it.  Adding a baby to that equation won't change it.  My DH has a great job with great stability.  I have an awesome support system and it's not a permanent situation.  Right as your kiddo would be toddling, your DH would be back to brining in a paycheck.  IDK, I personally don't think waiting is the automatic go-to practical answer.  I think you can have your cake and eat it too.  Best of luck, and let me know how it goes/what you decide.  ((((hugs)))) honey.

pb&fluff

I'm so sorry for your loss.  ((hugs))

Second, congrats on your BSN!  I am an RN (I did an associate's program) and while I don't have a baby yet, child care does not have to be too complicated.  If you're working on a unit where you have 2 weeks days and 2 weeks of nights, it might be a little more difficult, physically, to switch.  But you'll figure it out.  You could work weekend option and work only weekends and you'd be home during the week and YH would be home during the weekend.  I know several girls that do that.

I'm going to school for my MSN right now, so I'll be part time at school and then part time at work after my maternity leave when we do have a baby.  It can be done!

But don't let wanting to be a mom swallow you up.  You have school and work and soon a brand new career.  Personally, I was not willing to wait the 3 years it was going to take for me to finish grad school to have a baby.  So I'm making sacrifices now so that we can have the baby while I'm in school.  Hopefully I'll be able to stay out of work for 6 months and just focus on the baby and school.

Nobody here is going to tell you what to do, because deciding to TTC is a very personal decision and none of us are in your shoes.  Do what you and your DH are comfortable with.  No, you're not crazy to want to have a baby this soon, but you just have to be aware of the situations that you will be in - maybe you won't have the RH nursery you wanted, but it might be a sacrifice you have to make, living on a smaller income in a smaller home until you finish grad school and YH finishes school.  Hope that helps.  Feel free to PM me about grad school if you want!

PS - What are you going to do grad school for?  NP?

emi1027

Amanda, 

Good luck getting into nursing school! I bet you will get in...and I honestly think nursing school would be doable with a baby, especially since you said you have a great support system! Plus, in my experience, nursing professors are pretty understanding about morning sickness and such (as long as you stay on top of your studying while you vomit  =P).  Thank you so much for your input! You were very encouraging. I think I have friends that would be willing to babysit soon. I'm weird about asking for help, so I guess I just need to get over that! Good luck trying to conceive! I hope you'll have a baby in your arms very, very soon!

Becky,

Thank you for being so sweet! What type of unit do you work on, and what are you getting your masters in? I was originally planning on going to CRNA school (my university has an early acceptance program I was in the process of applying to when I got pregnant), but now I'm leaning toward either women's health NP or neonatal NP. When I got pregnant I decided I'd rather do a program at my own pace, which you can do with our NP programs, whereas the CRNA programs are 2.5 years of full time classes and clinicals.  

I would love to work it out to work only weekends (that's what I referred to as "Baylor"...not sure why it's called that around here). I think if it was weekends my mom, MIL, and grandmothers would be willing to rotate weekends. Unfortunately, my husband can be required to be on call any day of the week, and at a couple of times have to leave the state for 6 week rotations. His schedule will be far from ideal these next couple of years, but other men in his class have children, so we could make it work. He'll still have to take call after he graduates, but then the baby would be a little older, and I would only be working to get his loans paid off faster, not to make ends meet. 

Anyways, now that you all know way too much about my life, thanks for all the encouragement and advice! You are all wonderful. 

 

emi1027

P.S. I'm TOTALLY fine without a Restoration Hardware nursery. I'll be happy squeezing the three of into our one-bedroom apt. if need be