DH thinks DS's behavior is my fault...

cs1007

And I am wondering if he is right...

DH does not get to see DS that much because he works so much, but he got a taste of the terrible behavior I have been describing. For example, we went to the grocery store and DS will scream/shriek if he sees something he wants and say "GET IT!!!" he started screaming because I wuld nt get him something he wanted. I admit that sometimes I give in because the screaming is embarrassing, which probably teaches him that the screaming works, right? If he does nt get his way he will throw something or say "BAM" and tap me (I would not say 'hit' because he does it gently, but he KNOWS I do not like when he does this. NO idea where he even learned the word 'bam'....) DH thinks I spoil him and give him what he wants, which encourages this behavior.

So...is this normal terrible two behavior, or am I raising a b.r.a.t (I hate to say that, but there is no other way to describe it.)

EastCoastBride

 I admit that sometimes I give in because the screaming is embarrassing, which probably teaches him that the screaming works, right?

Yup.  And you say he "knows" you don't like it when he hits, but what do you DO about it?

Look - being alone w/ your DS all the time is hard, very hard (I do it a lot too!).  There are times that I just want to say "whatever- here, have what you want" because I just don't have the energy.

But... I always have to remind myself what the result will be.  Being consistent and firm in the short run is hard.  Trust me, I know!  BUT if you can will yourself to do it, it will make your life easier in the long run.

Toddlers are toddlers, though.  You will never get away entirely from them pushing and testing and having tantrums.  Which I hope your DH realizes too! 

 

Spin313

I think it's probably a bit of both. It's the age...they want control and can't have it so they test limits. But you have to be firm and consistent.

Have you tried giving him the grocery list and checking things off for you...? Or bring a special snack to distract him? Public meltdowns stink, but they happen. Just do what you can to keep him busy, and maybe plan outings around times that he is going to be the most mellow (maybe after a nap or meal).

Soap1

Agree that it's probably a little bit of both.  The grocery list idea is good.  I always try to give something for DS1 to be "in charge" of, like holding the taco seasoning packets or being on the look-out for Lightning McQueen (he's everywhere these days).  That's usually enough of a distraction.

But when he has a meltdown I just ignore it.  Well, to appease the masses, I say things like, "Screaming isn't going to get you what you want" to show that I'm making a conscious parenting decision.  Not sure why I care what strangers think, but I do

Pesky

Ditto pps -- bit of both.  You need to be consistent in your response.  I have left groceries in the cart (notifying an employee on the way out), picked up a screaming DD and gone to the car and ignored her while she had her tantrum.  Then I make of point of leaving her at home while I go without her to the store and remind her that she wasn't good.  Same with hitting or pushing -- immediate time out.  I would let him know the type of touching that is okay like hugs.  But the pps gave you great advice -- just be consistent in your reaction to it and do NOT give in.  Little pain now is worth the long term gain, trust me.

jenn_darrin1515

what all the pp said.  public tantrums are never fun...but I cannot imagine a single parent making it through the toddler years without experiencing at least one...don't give in!

 

fromvatobk

I agree with PPs that it is a little bit of both.  At this age, their job is to test and our job is to set limits.  Clearly, we get the crappier of the two jobs.  And it can be embarrassing and hard, but the long terms benefits definitely outweigh.  That being said, he is going to push you harder than DH because he sees you more and DS is going to know how to manipulate you better because he has more time to figure out what buttons to push to get what he wants.  I have no great solutions other than to say hang in there.  With my DS, we usually bring a toy for him in the store and then make shopping (like grocery shopping) a bit of a game.  He gets to put the stuff in the cart and we say the items in a funny voice, etc.  What I've found in other stores that have toys is that I'll let him look and listen to what he wants, and then we've been talking about asking Santa for some of it.  I've been really lucky that that has worked so far.  If he has ever melted down, we have left, or, when we couldn't, we told him he was going to lose his favorite toy for a little while when we got home and then enforced that when we got home.  Hang in there.  I'm sure you will both get through this phase ok.

Wally3

I agree it is probably age and giving in.  There are going to be times when you think you might give in instead of saying no say - you will think about.  Then you are not giving in after you have said no.  You can use it 2 ways if he forgets about it great, if he looks like a tantrum you can give in (I would only do that if you were despereate), and you can tell him if he has good behavior that will help your decision.

cs1007

Thanks for the advice everyone. I know I need to be more firm-I am working on it!