Is this rude?

JNBrickey

My DD has been having serious stranger danger fear going on the last two months or so.  Last weekend my grandparents had a 50th anniversary party and when we went no one but DH, me and my mom (who sees DD all.the.time) held her.  We decided it would be best beforehand because the day before I took her to a festival, our SIL asked to hold her and against my better judgment I took her out of her stroller and handed her over.  DD got so upset that I couldn't get her calmed down and we had to leave.  It just wasn't worth it to us to have to leave the party because someone who's a stranger to her wanted to hold her.

It ended up not being a big deal there because there was a ton of people we knew, my grandparents were busy the whole time and no one random even asked to hold her.  No feelings hurt.

However, tomorrow we have to go to DH's grandparent's 65th anniversary and that's going to be a different story.  My in-laws rarely see DD and when they touch her she screams bloody murder.  I think the majority of the reason why is in their tone and their approach, but whatever, it is what it is.  I told DH today that if it's going to be a problem to not pass her around, he can go and DD and I will stay home.  The issues is I know people there are going to want to hold her.

I know they'll think it's rude, but is it actually?  Shouldn't DD's interest be the one I'm looking out for and not people who don't take the time to see her anyway?  I mean, if we get there and hand her to someone she's going to start screaming and we're going to have to leave within the first thirty seconds anyway, so.  

ETA: I guess my point (other than just to vent my annoyance over having to go) is to ask - if you asked to hold a baby and the mom or dad said "I'm sorry, she's having stranger anxiety and will freak out" would you side-eye them for telling you no?

6fsn

I wouldn't side eye it.  I'm a little amazed you have to actually leave places because she gets so upset.

Kissimi21

Nope, not rude.  She's your baby.  You are doing what's in her best interest.  If I asked to hold a baby and the mother declined and explained that the baby has stranger anxiety, I'd understand and be grateful that I wasn't learning that the hard way. 

JNBrickey

Thanks for the responses!  I know it would be better if I could hand her over for a few seconds because they are family it's just I fear that meltdown that there's no coming back from.  I just don't get what she gets so riled up about.

Really, it's a frightened cry when someone else has her and then when we take her back it turns angry like "why did you just do that to me?!"

kathrnn

Scout2005:

JNBrickey:

Thanks for the responses!  I know it would be better if I could hand her over for a few seconds because they are family it's just I fear that meltdown that there's no coming back from.  I just don't get what she gets so riled up about.

Really, it's a frightened cry when someone else has her and then when we take her back it turns angry like "why did you just do that to me?!"

I think you should ask DH to call them and talk over with them that DD is having this issue, and you don't want her to be upset. And therefore you will not be handing her around for everyone to hold.

Like I said, they don't have to agree with it, but they do have to respect it. Otherwise, maybe you're coming down with something and sadly won't be able to attend. 

(Just popping in from 3-6 board).

This is *great* advice!

I am sure his relatives have all been there, and will be understanding if he explains things to them ahead of time. It may be more awkward if you do it day of. This way they know what is going on, won't bug you to hold her, and can enjoy watching her in a happy mood. :-)

Jacqui105

I do not think it would be rude. What would be rude is people not listening when you tell them that and trying to take or taking the baby anyway. Yeah Ive had a few of those family members. If you want to go, put her in a sling or do you have a moby? Some sort of baby carrier where she will feel secure with you and be less accessible to people.

kendra223

Kissimi21:

Nope, not rude.  She's your baby.  You are doing what's in her best interest.  If I asked to hold a baby and the mother declined and explained that the baby has stranger anxiety, I'd understand and be grateful that I wasn't learning that the hard way. 

This exactly! They should be glad you are warning them and they should respect that you are looking after your daughters best interest. They are the adults, she is the baby. They should be able to handle being told "Sorry, she's going through a phase and only wants to be with her mama."

I also think what the PP said about bringing a sling is a great idea!

UGAbride

I'd just put her in a baby carrier (Bjorn, sling, etc) so that people won't think to ask to hold her.  I personally don't ask to hold babies I don't know well in public situations, because you never know how they are going to react and I don't want to upset a happy baby. So no, I would understand why a mama wouldn't want to rock the boat, but some folks might not...to avoid an awkward situation I'd be sure to head it off at the pass before they even get a chance to ask so it doesn't have to get uncomfortable "so good to see you, DD is going through a "mama" phase but luckily she is happy in my arms!"

MarSamWhitney

I would definitley go, and just explain to people why they cant hold her. There is nothing wrong with that.

Also, I have had to leave MANY places, due to my LO crying. It shoots my anxiety through the roof, and sometimes it is very hard to calm her down. Do whats best for you and your LO, but I would at least make an appearance at the party. Good Luck!

p1nklemonade

not rude at all.  i like the pp's idea of mentioning it beforehand, that way there's no hurt feelings.  my mom said i was like this as a baby.  noooooooo one could hold me except her, and occasionally my aunt who lived across the street that i saw all the time.

CHS2005

UGAbride:

I'd just put her in a baby carrier (Bjorn, sling, etc) so that people won't think to ask to hold her.  

a baby carrier is a  great to keep people at bay - works well for me 

JNBrickey

Thanks, everyone!

It actually ended up going pretty smoothly.  She was okay most of the time, but it was loud and a different place and she got sleepy so I just left the room, got her to sleep and then we left.

We did let MIL hold her and the only thing that irked me is that I'm sitting eating, MIL is standing holding her and we're talking.  And then she just looks at me and walks off with DD.  I was like, "seriously?"  

I know it's just a stage and I think the ILs have issue with figuring that out.  She is most likely not always going to be terrified of them.  And with it being a stage, I feel like it's not a hand-her-over-so-she-can-get-used-to-you kind of thing.  Sorry, but you holding her for half an hour every three weeks isn't going to get her used to you.  She'll grow out of it, eventually, and until she does I think it's just best to keep her calm.

MySallyGirl

Kissimi21:

Nope, not rude.  She's your baby.  You are doing what's in her best interest.  If I asked to hold a baby and the mother declined and explained that the baby has stranger anxiety, I'd understand and be grateful that I wasn't learning that the hard way. 

 

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