I have spent a lot of time in the last 2 1/2 years trying to figure out why DS was born early. I went over everything I did and didn't do during my pregnancy. I had and still do place the blame on myself. The blame is unnamed but it is still there. My DH has spent a ton of time trying to convince me that I didn't do anything wrong and while I wanted to believe him and the doctors, I really felt like I had to have done something that prevented me from protecting my DS when he really needed me. I didn't drink or smoke and I took prenatal vitamins for 4 months before he was conceived..I raked myself over the coals. When I finally decided that I was ready to try again I spent the first half of my period that month in tears fearful that I was going to "mess" up again. I went to the doctors and asked a million questions and began to prepare myself for what I thought was going to be a stressful 9 months.
Now, that we are pregnant I am so much calmer then I ever thought I would be. I am enjoying every second that I have to protect this precious little life like nothing I have every imagined. I think I have finally begun to forgive myself for DS yearly arrival and I am confident that if this pregnancy ended early that I would get through it without tearing myself apart, again. I am a wonderful mother. I loved him and this child before they were even conceived. I would have gladly given my life to protect his or this baby as any mother would.
Tonight I was so very tired all I wanted to do was pass out. I sat watching my son spin in circles in the living room, screaming at the top of his lungs laughing and giggling and while he stripped off all his clothes and streaked though my living room I thought..I am so lucky. We are so lucky..and he is SO very lucky that I think his tiny hinny is cute!
Re: It is kinda crazy how calm I am..