Seeking advice for a friend...

bride2bee2008

My best friend lost her baby and I am devastated for her - I can't imagine what she is going through herself.  

I want to do something and am at such a loss as what to do.  Is a flower arrangement or goodie basket unwanted at a time like that?

I plan to send a card but want to do something more - but I really don't know if it will make her more sad to see something remind her of what happened.

I hope I'm not offending anyone by asking this - I would just like to not upset my friend anymore than she already is.

Thank you so much. 

KelliLynee

You will not be reminding her of anything. It is on her mind every second of every day. You are a sweet friend and anything you do to offer support will be appreciated. Some friends sent me chocolate covered fruit which was sweet. Most importantly, don't forget about it and stop offering support anytime soon. She will need it long after you think she does.

kevinandmonica2011

KelliLynee:

You will not be reminding her of anything. It is on her mind every second of every day. You are a sweet friend and anything you do to offer support will be appreciated. Some friends sent me chocolate covered fruit which was sweet. Most importantly, don't forget about it and stop offering support anytime soon. She will need it long after you think she does.

^This.  Physical, tangible gifts are very thoughtful... maybe fruit, chocolate or cookies... but more important is just making an effort to help her through her grief.  Allow and encourage her to talk about her loss... and just offer a listening ear- that is priceless and, believe it or not, often hard to find in such a situation.  Most people seem to want to throw a band-aid on the pain and use cheery stuff like "you will get pregnant again" etc.  Just be there for her in any capacity that you can.

Karen_Gee

I think that's so great that you want to be there for your friend. She's lucky to have you. 

As others have said, just be there for her and listen to her. Pregnancy loss seems to be such a taboo that it's hard to talk about it, but if you are there for her and listen to her, I know it will mean so much.

Sending her a gift is also sweet, not at all reminding her of the bad things. In fact, it may brighten her day.  A few friends sent us flowers and it was one of the only bright spots in those terrible early days.  

jsb1026

after our loss, we had many people send us flowers, and the thing about flowers, no matter what they are sent for, they always tend to make you smile. Also, we lost the baby at a point of the pregnancy where I had to deliver, so the flowers were also used at the grave site where we had a small private burial service. My baby was covered in flowers, which made it all very special to us.

hungryhippo

You are very thoughtful to be thinking of the best way to support your friend. In addition to everything pp said, I would suggest letting her do most of the talking and respond simply with "I'm so sorry."

Maybe get her a pretty journal where she can write her baby's story, or a letter to her baby.

If she named her baby, say her baby's name and keep saying it as time goes on. Even if she doesn't have living children, refer to her as a mom. And acknowledge her estimated due date (or other known milestones).

We'll be here if she wants to connect with those who have been through it. Hugs to you both.

shainastull

Honestly the best thing that was given to us, was a card and a restaurant gift card. It gave us something to look forward too. 

 

P.S. Lots of hugs and friendly check-ins helped alot too. 

katiem1025

I think this is so sweet of you-she experienced a loss and you are recognizing her pain.

A friend of mine brought over a bottle of wine, some dark chocolate, good coffee, and a fancy cheese (wine, coffee, and chocolate were things I stopped eating once I got my bfp). It was nice to indulge in those items and definitely touched my heart. 

GATORSnBRONCOSgoTEBOW

It would have meant a lot to me for someone to do something nice for me but nobody sent me anything at all. The only thing that anyone did was done in a hurtful way (SIL sent DH a card addressed only to him about the loss of his baby...but she doesn't like me so what does she care) so I think sending your friend a card or flowers would be very nice.

bride2bee2008

Thank you all for your welcoming ideas.  I have decided to send a gift basket of fancy treats for her to enjoy the day of her D&C procedure.  You are all such strong women and I will definitely suggest this board to her for support.

I think the hardest part is that I have healthy children and she has been struggling for years to get pregnant, finally did and we were over the moon for her..now it's come crashing down and I feel awkward having my own healthy family.  She knows I'm here for her and I'll continue to make that known past her due date.

Thank you again, and best of luck to all of you in your TTC endeavors.  I hope you all get blessed with a child one way or another!