Need some playdate perspective please (long)
BRSaugust20
member
Warning - this is going to be long and I think it is because everything happened to close I want some advice on how to handle (I think I need to be handled more than J).
----------
J and I are starting a monthly playdate with some mom/babies around the same age (he is the youngest, oldest is only one month older). We met at a mommy/me type class but haven't seen anyone in several months and have reconnected now that summer is over.
J is big for his age (98th percentile in height/86% in weight) - he towers over these kids and outweighs most of them by 5 lbs!
Background:
J is very active. I didn't realize how active until Rosh Hashanah when we went to the "tots" service (geared for babied on up to age 5). Everyone was mostly sitting nicely on laps/next to parents on the floor. J was crawling everywhere - spotting snack traps he saw (even though I was feeding him snacks), taking kids dolls (gently, just curiousity) Mostly everyone was laughing at him (and me chasing after him) and when I commented to the committee members that he won the "out of control" award, they stated that it was fine and that is what the service was for.
A few days later is our 1st monthly playdate. J still puts a lot of things in his mouth so when we are at someone else's house he did the same (he is healthy, no cold, etc. right now).
Question 1: Do I try to stop him or do I just assume that the host is going to disinfect after we leave? My plan would be to disinfect before and after when we host.
He often takes toys away from kids. He goes to daycare is one of the older kids in his class.
Question 2: Do I take the toys away from J and give back to the original baby even if the other baby wasn't upset?
I would take them from J and say "it is x's turn now, she was playing with it, why don't you play with this instead?". Sometimes it worked, sometimes J cried for 30 seconds.
I apologized to the mom's a few times but I also don't want to over apologize for toddler behavior. The kids range in age from 14-16 months.
--------------------
We've done mostly class stuff or playdates with friends whose kids are older. I am just not sure what is etiquette in a playgroup setting. I don't want to be seen as the overly helicopter mom but on the other hand I don't want the other mom's being annoyed by J either.
These situations bring out the worst anxiety in me!
Any advice? Normal?
Re: Need some playdate perspective please (long)
Yes... it's totally normal for this age so don't feel guilty.
However it's a learning opportunity for him so you should capitalize on the learning angle instead of viewing it as being overly helicopter. I perceive overly helicopter as someone who doesn't let their kid explore and take some risks vs what you're dealing with which is a chance to learn appropriate sharing and interaction skills.
1. I did remind them "not in your mouth this toy goes like this" (and then demonstrate a fun way to play with it. It's just a basic thing for me that it's not polite to go gumming all over someone else's stuff if you can avoid it. I would also offer a teether and say: "Here's one you can put in your mouth" in case they really needed an oral fix for one reason or another
2. It's not OK to take toys from others regardless if it upsets them or not. I would ask them to return it and tell them it's her turn now, you can have a turn in 2 minutes. "2 minutes" was a HUGE thing for us at that age. The other child is not likely to be playing with it 2 minutes later and if she is it's time for her to share. Likewise when another child wanted a toy from my kids I'd tell them "2 minutes". It takes a bit for them to get the hang of it but once they understand the concept it really helps minimize fighting over toys.
#1 is more age related but #2 is the whole point of play dates IMO. It's a chance for them to practice peer interaction with you there to help guide and teach.
I wouldn't feel guilty or ashamed about his behavior because it is normal but I would take it as an opportunity to help him learn.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I wouldn't worry about his behavior at the service. That's what the service was for - tots.
But yes, I think he is old enough to learn not to put things in his mouth that don't belong there, an important skill from the standpoint of him not getting germs, spreading germs, or choking. I'd correct by telling him "that doesn't go in your mouth" and removing it if necessary.
And he shouldn't be allowed to just take toys away from another kid, upset or not. I'd start talking about sharing, and just remove the toy from him and give it back to the other child, and say "we need to share and she was playing with that car, when she is done, you can play with it".
Ugg...now these replies are giving *me* anxiety!
Andrew is a bit older than your cutie (but only 11 months adjusted age) and still mouths everything. He would have no idea what I was talking about if I told him not to mouth things. If I was hosting a playdate, I'd be fine with other kids his age mouthing his toys, and would expect to disinfect before and after. If I had to take away or redirect every time he was about to put something in his mouth, we wouldn't be able to leave the house!
I suppose with the sharing, I can see that it is time to learn how to do that, but again "in a minute" means nothing to him right now. If the other kid was upset, I would take it away and give it back to him.
Maybe my son 's just behind other kids, or maybe it is just that we are not around other kids his age very often (he's in daycare, but I'm not there, and I don't know how they deal with things like sharing....I do know he mouths toys all day long.) Sigh - maybe I'm not helicopter *enough*. Sometimes this mom stuff is hard - but my initial reaction when I read your post was that your son is acting like a normal young toddler. I'll be reading the other replies, for sure!
I do think that the post 1 year mark is a good time to introduce the idea that you only put things in your mouth that go in your mouth.
Even a child that age can figure out what "not in your mouth means". You just have to say it and show it by taking the item gently from their mouth and then showing them how to use the toy correctly. Give it a day and I bet they can figure out what you are saying - that those words mean something specific.
I guess this isn't helicopter parenting to me, just teaching them how to get along in life through sharing. We did a lot of role playing at that age. Mom and Dad and baby sit and play, and I'd ask Daddy if I could please play with the toy he had, etc. It is amazing what they can pick up in a few interactions.
My advice is not not underestimate what your little ones can understand and start talking to them in simple easy terms and you'll be amazed at what they'll pick up on after a few tries. Sure, they might not understand that a minute is 60 seconds, but soon they'll pick up that means not now, in a bit.
I think it's all completely normal for him to be doing and I think it's normal that we correct it as well. I wouldn't run across the room to knock something out of his mouth (lol) but I do tell him 'not in your mouth'. He still puts everything in his mouth but I don't think there's just some magic age to START telling him not to. The same thing with toys - I think it's completely normal to take what he sees even if it's in someone else's hand. But I give it back and say 'he/she's having a turn'. And if there is a parent who doesn't say these things at this age - I'm totally fine with that. I disinfect before and after and I don't eyeball anyone putting things in their mouth! If a baby takes something from Daniel's hand I don't expect the other parent to step in.
And I just have to say - the misuse of the term 'helicopter parent' is really annoying me. Raising your children is not helicopter parenting. Neither is instilling morals and manners. The term was used to for parents of college students who think they have a right to call professors and argue about their adult children's grades. Making sure your 2 year old doesn't split his head open at the park is not helicopter parenting.
Thank you everyone for your replies.
Just to clarify when he did take a toy, I would take it from him and give it back to the other baby and tell him that it was X's turn and he had to wait for them to be through. If he cried, I didn't care, I just distracted him (and followed with "I know you are upset that I took the toy but X was probably upset when you took it from them too).
I just feel I looked like the crazy mother following her kid around the room (believe me, he explored every inch of it!) so I could be close enough to step in if he took a toy.
As for the mouthing things, I have tried almost every teether out there and it doesn't matter. He isn't constantly gumming things but it is like he has to do it if it is something new. He picks it up, looks at it, puts it in his mouth, and then starts playing with it. I think it is just part of his exploration but I will start reminding him toys are for playing not for eating to see if that starts to help.
He's adorable by the way. He can come steal and drool on our toys anytime!!