Would you tell a friend that their child needs help?

redhead0525

I have a very close friend who has a 2 y/o that I think is in need of interventions or at least a review with a specialist. The child is extremely far behind in speech, comprehension and seems to be getting worse. How do I kindly suggest this without completely overstepping my friendship?

meldoo2002

I would and have in a very friendly way only because I work in EI so I see many many children with developmental delays.  BUT neither of the friends have taken my advice and both of their children turned out fine.  I think it depends on your relationship with them.  I mean has she ever said anything?  Is he home with her all the time?  It's a very fine line to cross.

groovygrl

Only if it came up in conversation I think...if friend expressions any kind of acknowledgement or question about it than I'd probably say something about how I have heard the state offers evaluations for free, might be nice for peace of mind,  & they're easy to set up- a friend had one or something like that....

katlizabeth

Only if it was a really close friend...I'd say something like "oh, how's so and so's speech/talking going?"  If they seemed worried at all, then I'd try to discuss intervention.  If they didn't, I'm not sure what I'd do.   It really is a fine line.

sunnyday016

I probably wouldn't say anything unless she brought it up. Chances are that she already knows he's behind.

soxfan74

sunnyday016:

I probably wouldn't say anything unless she brought it up. Chances are that she already knows he's behind.

this 

JOEBunny

We have a child like that in our playgroup.  He has a SAHD and I think the mom blames the dad, but I think he has sensory processing issues at the least.  He just started preschool, so I am hoping they will tell them to have him evaluated.  Unlike the other people in playgroup, we are not that good of friends, mostly because his son hates being around other kids, except on boy who lives near him, so he will interact with that child, but that child is starting to look at his mom like WTF? at playgroup because he wants to play with the other kids and the kid I think is struggling goes nuts when he tries to. 

I wish I knew the answer.  I would be almost be willing to never see the people we know if it got their son help.  He is the exact same age as my son and two other boys in playgroup and socially, he struggles so much, including the speech and receptive language and tantrums.

Smores730

I'm in the same situation and in my case I think the child isn't just behind, I think they're mentally handicapped. Is that even the PC way to say that? I've been able to say at one point "has your pedi suggested physical or speech therapy?" but that's it. I've asked on occasion how things are going but I don't think it's my place to say much more. If my friend confided in me and asked what I thought, I'd delicately cross that line. What's frustrating to me is not knowing if my friend is in denial or not about how severe the problem is. I'm thinking you might relate to that.

LoveEeyore

Not in a million years, if she didn't come to  me and ask. 

I told my pedi at 6 months something just wasn't right with DS.  She told me I was  crazy (nicely and professionally, but definitely out there).  As we kept going to appts and he kept getting further behind, pedi kept saying "he's fine, normal is broad and he's just different from his twin."  Pedi was wrong.

I wasn't unaware and every time someone said "OHMYGODHEISNTTALKINGYETohwellhe'saboyDONTTWINSDEVELOPSLOWER"

My heart snapped one half angry, the other sad.  I'm his mother, I know.  After he was assessed to have a 12 month delay, it took me about 4 months to speak of it IRL. She knows and may be doing something about it and not need more input.  Trust her to know what she needs from you.

beth&anth

LoveEeyore:

Not in a million years, if she didn't come to  me and ask. 

For the reasons LE mentioned.

ridesbuttons

LoveEeyore:

Not in a million years, if she didn't come to  me and ask. 

She knows and may be doing something about it and not need more input.  Trust her to know what she needs from you.

This.

mittensonkittens

I have a friend who thinks my LO needs help with speech (or at least that's the impression I get from things she has said). And I have to admit, he NEVER talks to her, but I think he is intimidated by her. He comes up and talks to adults who are quiet people, but this friend is a loud person. My son has problems with gross motor skills due to a medical condition, but he has had full EI evaluations and I know he is on track or ahead in all other areas. I agree that it's best not to bring it up with your friend. It's possible that her LO is fine, she knows him best.

desmerelda317

No, I wouldn't.  She is around her child way more than you are; chances are, she is very aware of whether or not he/she is delayed in any way.  I have experience with this in a different way - my son was born with a skull deformity that caused his eyes to be too close together and slanted inward.  People thought he was cross-eyed.  The number of times well-meaning folks would come up to me and say, "I think you should get your son checked by his doctor.  He is cross-eyed" drove me insane.  Then I had to explain, "No, he isn't cross eyed.  He has a skull deformity and requires incredibly invasive surgery in a few months, but thanks for putting your nose where it doesn't belong."  It drove me insane that people thought I was unaware of what my son needed.  Didn't they realize that I looked at him for hours every single day?  I'm not an idiot; of course I realized that something was wrong.  Don't insult your friend's intelligence.  Don't bring this issue up unless she brings it up to you first.

JLGY

I agree that you should definitely NOT say anything. It's really none of your business and there's a very good chance that she's already getting help for her child but doesn't feel the need to discuss it with you. She knows her child better than you do.

jw87

My mother and a few of her friends were in the same situation a long time ago and with as much care as they could- told their friend.  The friend was very offended and upset, two years later- it was confirmed what my mother and friends had suggested.  Their friendship was never the same.

I, personally, wouldn't want to be the one to say it.  It will be caught if something is wrong, and she maybe in denial or know and doesn't want to talk about it. 

Princess_Lily

sunnyday016:

I probably wouldn't say anything unless she brought it up. Chances are that she already knows he's behind.

100% agree. 

MaxandRuby

I have a child who is legally disabled. I was aware that he was not meeting his milestones. The original pedi wasn't taking me seriously but the 2nd pedi did and I got DS2 the help he needed. I talked to a handful of people as he got older (it was his 9mos appt that got things rolling finally) to see what their opinion was or if they thought I was overreacting. I am not sure how I would have felt if someone told me they felt my son needed to be checked out by a specialists. Depending on the friend it probably would not have offended me at all, but this is a very difficult line to cross. Shoot, I had a hard time even talking to family after his diagnosis for MONTHS.

While it is possible that your friend may not realize there are issues, it is also possible that she IS aware and has, is, or is thinking about taking steps that are necessary. Unless she asks you what you think, I'd leave it up to her pediatrician to put the wheels in motion. Lets just hope 1. that your friend is taking her child to the doctor for well checks or for any issue that comes up and 2. your friend has a competent pediatrician for her son.