Babies: 0 - 3 Months

Visitors in the first few weeks...

Our LO will be induced on October 12th and we are very excited! Now we are trying to get straight what family will be here during what time. My mom will be here for the first week that we are home from the hospital and MIL wants to come during week 2 or 3 for a few days. They have expressed that they want to come "help". I will be EBF, so the baby is going to be pretty much my responsibility solely (I guess?). Do you think I will need to prompt my mom/MIL to help around the house (laundry, food, etc.)? That is what I really hope that they are thinking about when they say "help". What were your experiences with family that came to stay for a few days?

I am very grateful that they are coming, if for nothing else just for the company, but I don't know if I should discuss this with them before hand so that they know what to expect when they come.


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Re: Visitors in the first few weeks...

  • Mine didn't come to stay (they both live close) but yes, some prompting might be necessary.  My mom and dad came probably about 4 times in the first week or so.  Mom did laundry and brought food; dad helped DH with some things like mowing, fixing a bathroom faucet, etc.  To this day, every time MIL comes over, she insists on holding one of the babies.  She has brought us dinner twice, which was much appreciated, but she does nothing to help.  She plants her butt on the couch and doesn't get up for literally hours.  She throws a hissy fit if DH each take one of the babies to quiet them, feed them, etc.  Nor does she let them sleep when she's holding them...she wants them awake so she can sit and talk to them. HmmSuper Angry

    So yeah, some prompting might be necessary.  Maybe have a short list of a few things that might be difficult for you to do (bending over the washing machine, running to the grocery store, etc.)  It will be better than everyone just looking at each other not knowing how to help.

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  • Thanks for your response! With my mom it won't be a problem I don't think. We are very close and if she did what your MIL does I'd just say, "Mom, get up! Help me with something please! The babies need to sleep!". But with MIL, I would feel really out of place asking her to help me with something and to put the baby down. Maybe your DH should talk to his mom and let him know how yall feel? That would drive me crazy! Bless your heart!


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  • i found the "help" to be a bigger pain than it was help. my mom and sisters would come and actually help me - run a vacuum, take me to run errands, help me sooth a screaming baby. but the inlaws were mostly just visitors and i had to get them something to drink and offer them snacks. i have 3 cats. there is cat hair. it would have been nice for them to help me with that, but instead they would come to watch DD so that i could do the chores, which i wasn't physically able to do. they also showed up to let me nap, but they would come when DD was napping and would just interrupt my corresponding nap.

     

    i found advice from my mom to be just that but advice from the inlaws felt more like criticism. i'm not close with my inlaws. can you tell?

     

    also, i was hormonal as heck, so i would cry at everything. i didn't like feeling that way around my inlaws because then they acted like there was something wrong with me or that i didn't love DD. my mom understood and i could talk freely to her about my feelings.

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  • imageowens0410:

    Thanks for your response! With my mom it won't be a problem I don't think. We are very close and if she did what your MIL does I'd just say, "Mom, get up! Help me with something please! The babies need to sleep!". But with MIL, I would feel really out of place asking her to help me with something and to put the baby down. Maybe your DH should talk to his mom and let him know how yall feel? That would drive me crazy! Bless your heart!

    Hee hee...oh, it would be so nice if MIL actually listened to DH.  One of our little guys was on his play mat, fussing just a little but was also focused on the blinking lights and the little stars that hang down from the arch.  She crawled down on the floor, and DH firmly said "Please let him be.  He's just fussing a little and I want to see if he can work it out himself."  She literally stayed on all fours and tickled his stomach, pulled at his feet, until he started crying.  Then she looked at DH and said, "Well now he's crying.  I have to pick him up."  Super Angry

    She is a royal PITA.  She is off all day on Fridays and has offered to come over and help.  I have told DH that I would rather be at home alone all day with two screaming babies than have to deal with her.  Very egocentric and very used to getting her own way.  It's sad, really.

    In any case, good luck with your induction.  I'm sure everything will go well!

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  • imagekellie7:
     

    i found advice from my mom to be just that but advice from the inlaws felt more like criticism. i'm not close with my inlaws. can you tell?

    Well hello there...we must have the same inlaws. Big Smile

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  • I would prompt. Both our families live close so no one stayed at our house, just visited. My mom and grandma made us dinner a couple nights and dropped it off, but were very good about not staying and giving us space. Because honestly if you're EBF, the baby is going to be attached to your hip. DH's parents would come and visit, stay for liek 2 hours, and never once offered to bring us dinner or anything. It really upset me. Because we had to take time out of our day to entertain them, and then not get anything around the house done. So if you feel comfortable asking them to do house chores I would.
  • I'd rather my MIL not come stay with us for a "few days" because I'm afraid that what yall are talking about will happen! But I don't feel like I can say that I'd rather MIL just come visit on a Saturday, when my mom gets to come stay for an entire week....I hate this!


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  • My mom came for 3 weeks -- it was wonderful. We talked in advance about what things she could do to help, but honestly, although I am EBF, there was still a LOT she could do to help ... you don't breastfeed nonstop (although it does sometimes feel that way). Your guests can:

    - most importantly: host themselves -- do their own dishes, wash their sheets, clean the bathroom before they leave, etc.

    - do whatever they offer to do -- don't say no or feel embarrassed if they ask where your toilet cleaner is or whatnot

    - hold the baby so you can shower/eat/drink a coffee/whatever makes you sane

    - do laundry ... babies make lots of laundry

    - change diapers

    - rock baby if she's not falling back to sleep at night between feedings so you can sleep

    - clean your house (just get over it and let them do it) so there's nothing to keep you from sleeping

    - help you research answers to questions you might have

    - help you get out of the house w/LO the first few times, whether in the car or for a walk

    - open a bottle of wine for you in the evenings :) and be a good conversation partner ... I didn't realize how lonely it can be around the house w/a napping infant for weeks on end. I love being here, but it's quiet!!

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  • When people offer to help, tell them exactly what you need...prepared meals, laundry done, grocery shopping, a dog walked,etc. Most people want to be helpful and those who have other intentions will stay away when you are direct.

    My mother took a week off when DD and DS were born but she never stayed at our house more than an hour at a time. She would bring dinner, stay with LO when I took a shower, went to the store, did laundry, and would walk to dog...she was AWESOME. My neighbors/friends would bring dinner over and go shopping which was again AWESOME (all of these people have LOs and experience as to what someone really needs those first couple of weeks) I had a different experience when DH's family came...lets just say my MIL told me she was "bored" and I did all the cooking and cleaning but in hindsight I should have been more direct with them and encourage you to do the same.

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  • Everyone who came to our house to help was really, truly, helpful. I don't think I cooked a single thing or did any laundry or cleaning in the first 2 weeks. You also don't have to feel like the baby is solely your responsibility! My parents would hold the baby and send me to my room to take a nap, and then they would take care of her until she was hungry again. It was such a blessing! I would give my left arm to have them still here!
  • I'm right along with the majority of you.  My family lives about 15 minutes away but my In-laws are literally right around the corner.  No one came to stay-just visited.  And no one helped do anything.  They were only here to visit/hold baby.  No meals...no help around the house.  I can't blame my mom.  She doesn't come visit too often.  She works 5 days a week.  We mostly go visit her at her house, usually at least once a week now that LO is a little older.  But MIL actually quit her job when I had LO.  I had her 5 weeks early and she spent the first 11 days in the NICU.  Needless to say, when she did come home, I wanted my time with her to bond and to finally enjoy having her home.  MIL complained that she was bored all the time and that if I needed anything day or night to call her...she would love to come over and 'help' (which would be holding LO and that's about it).  My inlaws, too, felt she needed to be awake for them to visit.  It's like they didn't get that she's  a preemie and is going to and needs to sleep.  Leave her alone and stop telling her to open her eyes!  Sorry for the vent.  I could go on and on about it.  I would definitely say ask for help around the house and with doing things you need help with.  Sometimes they're just clueless and if you're comfortable with asking for what you need-go for it.  I wish I could have spoke up to my IL's.  I could always ask my mom to do something but not so much with my MIL.  
    ~Married my best friend 06/27/2010~ ~Miscarriage July 2010~ ~Hannah Leigh born 07/26/2011 (5 weeks early) @ 8:38am 4lbs 15oz~
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  • imageJennyAnne022776:
    imagekellie7:
     

    i found advice from my mom to be just that but advice from the inlaws felt more like criticism. i'm not close with my inlaws. can you tell?

    Well hello there...we must have the same inlaws. Big Smile

     

    Count me in this group!

     

    I say make sure they know in advance what kind of help you need. My MIL just wants to hang out with him. He's the first grandchild, I get it. But messing with him because you "JUst want to see his eyes!" isn't cool, especially in the middle of a nap, TYVM!  These are the same people who came the 2nd night we were in the hospital with other extended family and stayed in my room until 9:30pm. Um.. excuse me, but I just pushed a watermelon-sized kid out my hooha, and this will be the last night I have professional help around me, I JUST WANT TO SLEEP, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM! I mean, really, all day, you can't get there to see your first grandchild until 7pm? Please!

     

    Make things clear in advance, that's my advice!  GL :) 

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  • Nobody offered to help me at all, lol. We had SO SO SO much company those first 2 weeks (we were packing for a move and my dh had just started the police academy, and we adopted Hadley so it wasn't the best time for company) but we had like 20-25 people per day stop in! It was like a revolving door, even started trying to schedule when people should come to have the house not packed! My mom and MIL didn't come stay with us, but physically I felt great (adoption perk) so I Didn't need help.

    Oh, but my church did bring supper each night for that first week which was amazing since with the company, I didn't have time to cook.

  • Both our parents live in the same town so no visiting for days type thing. But I never had the nesting instinct kick in for me so when I delivered they were all there and of course asking if we needed anything. I was half joking half serious but said someone to go clean the house... Hehehehe... Well my parents let themselves in while we were still in the hospital so when we got home it was a pleasant surprise to see everything clean, fridge stocked and when we got home mom brought us dinner, a donut, and a couple other helpful things, left as soon as she was asked. Mil saw DS in the hospital then had a vacation to go on like the day after... So she wasn't an issue.
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  • i would say to increase the chances of you actually getting the help you need, to just drop passive hints like "oh wow, it's going to be so nice to have help around the house. i'm so excited to not have to worry about laundry and dinner so I can get to know my baby! can't wait for LO to get here!" they should get it.

    BIGGEST piece of ADVICE: do not let the company keep you from your baby. do not let anyone else hold that baby more than you do. I had family over to help, and although they did... I didn't get as much bonding time as I needed. Even at the hospital the baby was passed around too much right away. be selfish!!! please! It didn't hit me until about 2 weeks after he was born (we had to spend 4 nights at children's hospital, but he's fine now). I was finally alone with my baby for the first time... ever. and I cried b/c I realized I hadn't really fallen in love with him yet. so we did that together while he was hooked up to monitors.

    make sure you get that chance right away.

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