"performance issues" anyone else? (longish)

BzeetyD

We've been actively, purposely TTC since Jan of 2010. Every time we've been doing TI. Every few months or so my DH runs into performance issues precisely at O time. It is not an issue at other times of the month (it's happened maybe a dozen times in our nearly 9 years of being together.)

Last night I was O'ing (based on my trigger) and we tried 3 separate times last night to get him to finish (the 2nd 2 were his idea.)  We finally succeeded but it wasn't much fun at that point for either of us. Although there were lots of high-fives, hugs, kisses and much happiness afterwards.

We've tried various ways of relieving the pressure he feels, but that gets more difficult the more protocols/effort and $$ we put into it up front. He is personally invested in my cycles and wants to know what's going on. We're long past the "let's-just-be-casual-you-don't-know-where-I-am-in-my-cycle" stage.

When this happens, we are both very kind and understanding towards one another. There is no fighting or anger.  He gets it from my perspective and I get it from his. It is just so difficult to deal with. I always err on the side of being patient and letting it go. But I find it's hard for me internally to be casual about it when it's so important to me. I say "We can try tomorrow night, if you want," but I know that it will likely be too late by then. Last night in bed I had tears in my eyes, trying to control my disappointment/frustration/emotions, as I was thinking about all these Follistim shots I've been giving myself this cycle.  

We're not resting our laurels on 1 session of intercourse but it's so hard when it's the time that will "count." I know that you're fertile for awhile before O'ing, but given our track record I don't know how true that is for us, personally.

Can anyone else relate? How do you handle it?

DMCKnox

Yes, I can relate on the performance issues.  For us, it is just sometimes so exhausting and we just really don't have it in us to do the deed.  You are handling it well, there have been a couple times where I haven't handled the not being able to perform very well and did get frustrated so good for you for being calm and rational about it all.  I agree with cinciem on that the IUIs do seem to take some of the pressure off.  Hang in there!

kipprob

cinciem:

I know you have seen an RE who said all is good with TI, but I must admit that for us IUI has taken a lot of the pressure off. H still wants to take care of things the old fashion way in addition, but he has a much easier time of it knowing that our "bases are covered."

That being said, they are pretty sure my cervical scar tissue is a big part of why it is difficult for us to get PG and IUI bypasses my cervix, so we do have a specific medical reason, maybe that is the difference in protocols.

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Missa_g

It sounds like you are handling it well. For us TI has lost the fun. We were lucky this month that it fell on a trip to Vegas, but we're really considering IUI if this cycle is unsuccessful. Our RE said it only increases the chances 2-3% for us, but that's if we didn't have any performance issues.

BzeetyD

Firstly, thanks for all your replies. It's good to know that others have dealt with the same issue and understand the frustration.

Our RE said that IUI and IVF wasn't an option for us at this point because we'd be conceiving every 6-7 cycles.

But our OB said that IUI is an option through their clinic since we're doing Follistim. She didn't think it would increase our chances. But I think we'll try that in another cycle or two.

I've thought for a while that perhaps IUI would take the pressure off and let him relax, but I'm nervous about him giving an IUI sample because for him, his SA was "the worst experience of his life."

It is something we need to talk about.

Question about IUI -  Isn't there still pressure to perform, but in a different manner? And isn't the window of performance even smaller? I mean, if we have an appt for an IUI, he's got like 1/2 hour to get it done, doesn't he? Unless we bring it from home, and then there's a timing issue as well. Am I missing something?

Missa_g

BzeetyD:

Firstly, thanks for all your replies. It's good to know that others have dealt with the same issue and understand the frustration.

Our RE said that IUI and IVF wasn't an option for us at this point because we'd be conceiving every 6-7 cycles.

But our OB said that IUI is an option through their clinic since we're doing Follistim. She didn't think it would increase our chances. But I think we'll try that in another cycle or two.

I've thought for a while that perhaps IUI would take the pressure off and let him relax, but I'm nervous about him giving an IUI sample because for him, his SA was "the worst experience of his life."

It is something we need to talk about.

Question about IUI -  Isn't there still pressure to perform, but in a different manner? And isn't the window of performance even smaller? I mean, if we have an appt for an IUI, he's got like 1/2 hour to get it done, doesn't he? Unless we bring it from home, and then there's a timing issue as well. Am I missing something?

The way my husband explained it to me is that the SA/sample for an IUI is essentially masturbation for a purpose. He's worried about getting it done, sure, but he's able to just focus on himself. Of course he still needs to be in a safe and comfortable place. When we have TI he's worried about pleasing me, being in a good position, AND getting it done. So it adds a ton more worries. Plus if I'm not into it things are just that much more difficult.

BzeetyD

Missa_g:

BzeetyD:

Firstly, thanks for all your replies. It's good to know that others have dealt with the same issue and understand the frustration.

Our RE said that IUI and IVF wasn't an option for us at this point because we'd be conceiving every 6-7 cycles.

But our OB said that IUI is an option through their clinic since we're doing Follistim. She didn't think it would increase our chances. But I think we'll try that in another cycle or two.

I've thought for a while that perhaps IUI would take the pressure off and let him relax, but I'm nervous about him giving an IUI sample because for him, his SA was "the worst experience of his life."

It is something we need to talk about.

Question about IUI -  Isn't there still pressure to perform, but in a different manner? And isn't the window of performance even smaller? I mean, if we have an appt for an IUI, he's got like 1/2 hour to get it done, doesn't he? Unless we bring it from home, and then there's a timing issue as well. Am I missing something?

The way my husband explained it to me is that the SA/sample for an IUI is essentially masturbation for a purpose. He's worried about getting it done, sure, but he's able to just focus on himself. Of course he still needs to be in a safe and comfortable place. When we have TI he's worried about pleasing me, being in a good position, AND getting it done. So it adds a ton more worries. Plus if I'm not into it things are just that much more difficult.

Thanks this is really helpful and I can see where your H is coming from.

BzeetyD

cinciem:

The way H described it to me was that he has had a lot of practice on-demand when it was a one person show and it's pretty easy to tap into that and get it done.

I don't think he loves collecting @ the clinic, but we have done both depending on schedules. I think he kind of secretly likes feeling that he is "doing his part" in these treatments.

Thanks so much for your response. I know DH also wants to "do his part" in this and he's also said something similar to "well I've had a lot of years to practice" concerning giving a sample. 

It's hard. I don't want it to be more difficult than it needs to be and yet, look where we are. 

Thanks again.

cscronce

You aren't alone in this situation and it feels good to know that I am not alone either ladies.

When my husband and I first started out with the TI, he was so very excited. It was so fun, but quickly turned into more of a chore. I also did not do a good job of handling the performance issue. This is the reason we decided this month to start our first Clomid and IUI cycle, to decrease some of the pressure on the both of us.

 We must also remember that while we have this board for support of women who are experiencing the same feelings, thoughts and ideas as we are, our husbands likely don't have that outside support. Not many guys are going to talk with their friends about performance issues. 

Again I am glad that I have this board as it lets me know that I am not alone, but it also reminds me to be thankful for the great guy I have here at home and to realize that he needs my support during this time as well. Thanks ladies!

eponine7682

Yep, when DH knows it's while I am "O"ing, he has a hard time staying, well, hard. I don;t tell him anymore. But we have been doing IUIs and while it;s stress on him to have to ejaculate into a cup, I think because he is alone he is able to get it done.

BzeetyD

eponine7682:

Yep, when DH knows it's while I am "O"ing, he has a hard time staying, well, hard. I don;t tell him anymore. But we have been doing IUIs and while it;s stress on him to have to ejaculate into a cup, I think because he is alone he is able to get it done.

Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your frankness and I'm glad you have a solution that works.

We'll definitely start talking about IUI if this cycle doesn't work out.

kellygksu

This cycle was the toughest yet for us.  I had a lap last month, and things have taken awhile to get back to normal down there, so there hasn't been much action anyway--plus, I think he was a little afraid of hurting me for awhile post-surgery.  Then, we started our first Clomid/IUI cycle, so that added some pressure.  Now the IUI is done, and I'm hoping we can get back to something sort of normal--like having sex just for fun!! 

It's so hard, and it makes me so nervous for next cycle, if this one doesn't work, and it makes me nervous about how much worse it could get, the longer we are on this journey.

katib77

DH never has had performance issues (except when he drinks alot, but that's like three times since we've been together).  But he was really worried about his S/A with the cup.  But after that, for repeat S/As and IUI's I asked him the first two times if he'd "Like a hand" with it.  He winked and me, gave me a smile and said "Baby, I've been doing this a lot longer than you have!" and off he went.  LOL.  When he's giving a "one man show" it literally can be done in three minutes.  So even if he's at the RE's office and has an hour to do, he's in and out so to speak.