Do I get to be mad?

DavezWife

Because I am. Mother Tiger PISSED!

In short, we told my parents about the babies a week or two ago. We waited a bit longer b/c I can't stand them, they've been very negative about our repeat efforts, and well, I just didn't want to deal with things, I have enough to worry about. (keep in mind we usually have told them about the pregnancies AFTER the fact, they're in the dark about our ART efforts. On purpose.)

Second words out of their mouth were "who did you tell?" Um, WTF. My brother b/c he told us they were expecting the same time, and my Gram, b/c her and God are BFF's and I needed her to storm the heavens. (lol. another story for another day) And that was the way it was going to stay for a while, at least until 2nd tri. (and please, NO ONE say they're just excited. They're as scared chitless as we are. My track record isn't exactly supportive of good outcomes here)

WE HAVE NOT EVEN TOLD AVA YET !!!!!

Your honor, I would like the record to state that I never told them they couldn't tell anyone. I was stupid in my presumption that this was OUR BUSINESS, and that WE WOULD TELL PEOPLE WHEN WE WANTED TO... or let them know we told who we wanted, and word's out, do what you want as far as your friends, etc.

Yeh, my dad has now told BOTH his sisters (which means everyone knows) behind my back. I got an email from one (who never emails) saying "OMG! I have everything crossed for you!!!"  (to which I said "Um, why?" and then biched out my parents. )

Davez says I can't be mad b/c I didn't say "don't tell anyone."

I'm mad a chit b/c THIS IS OUR NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  They didn't go thru the hell and fire  and pain to get here, They didn't help us along the way, they don't get the INCREDIBLE costs involved (i.e. they scoff when I say things like "no, we don't want to spend $150 a ticket for a theater date with you guys, we have bills to pay") and honestly, the simple fact that it's twins is going to be a huge "oh la la!" thing with my mom. She will EAT UP any attention she gets from them. (which pisses me right off.)

I'm mad, I'm hurt, and I'm pissed. This is OUR news. FFS, we haven't even told our DAUGHTER yet. I'm just trying to survive the 1st tri !!!!

Thoughts?

 

 

 

MyShellyBelly

You have every right to be pissed. It should be assumed that this was your news and only your news to share....regardless if you said or didn't say"don't tell anyone".

I was angry at my boss because he blabbed to my entire office that I was pregnant. When I got back from my "vacation" -- took 2 weeks off for IVF #2 -- everyone knew. It wasn't his place to tell and I had assumed he knew that.

But, I guess that's why they have the saying about the word "assume".

I can only imagine how mad you must be at your parents, since I was so mad and he was only my boss.

charmcitygirl

Sure you can be mad. But what's done is done. You can't go back and untell them. Just accept those good thoughts (from extended family) and move on. You told them that they were out of line and that you're annoyed. No use getting upset over something you cant change. No use in getting your BP up over this. FWIW - my ILs told anyone who would listen that I was pregnant after my 6w u/s. Sure. I was annoyed, but they're annoying people and I moved on. I had much more important things to do - like nurture this little babe!

Mouseygail

charmcitygirl:

Sure you can be mad. But what's done is done. You can't go back and untell them. Just accept those good thoughts (from extended family) and move on. You told them that they were out of line and that you're annoyed. No use getting upset over something you cant change. No use in getting your BP up over this. FWIW - my ILs told anyone who would listen that I was pregnant after my 6w u/s. Sure. I was annoyed, but they're annoying people and I moved on. I had much more important things to do - like nurture this little babe!

  all of this!!  ((((HUGS!!))) 

emiannie

charmcitygirl:

Sure you can be mad. But what's done is done. You can't go back and untell them. Just accept those good thoughts (from extended family) and move on. You told them that they were out of line and that you're annoyed. No use getting upset over something you cant change. No use in getting your BP up over this.

This exactly.  But yes, do be mad.  You deserve to be mad.  I hate inconsiderate people.

stepgirl21

Uh yeah you do. I would be very frustrated and angry. I have ppl in family who when we tell them, we will have to specifically say - Do not tell anyone else, do not post anything on FB, Do not email anyone and tell them etc. Some ppl just don't get it.

MontyMrs

Sure you can be mad and I get why you are, but the funny the about that cat is once it's out of the bag it runs wild.  

I would tell family members details about my pregnancy and ask them not to say anything to other members so I could be the one to share the news and I could always tell the news had traveled by the time I got to the next person.  People cannot keep their mouth shut.  

Radler

Yes, you get to be mad. I think "don't tell" goes without saying, and doubly so in your case. That said, there are some people who don't get it no matter what. My ILs told the world st 5 weeks last time after I specifically explained why we wanted to wait to announce widely. Then I wasnt allowed to be mad because they were "just excited." I am actually STILL mad. Well, they don't get to know until 2nd tri this time. I am mother tiger mad for you, too. Your amazing news, your decision who and when to tell. Not a "stupid presumption," IMO.

naflmj

I would be LIVID. I actually explicity told our IL's that if we have any news to share with them, we expect them to keep it to themselves and let us share news when we are comfortable. Last time, we didn't tell them not to tell (though they knew we weren't sharing) and all of a sudded Graeme get's a delivery of Big Brother shirts from DH's aunt 2 weeks after our loss because someone (MIL) can't keep her mouth shut then doesn't even remember to untul those she spilled the beans to. SO yea, if I were you, I'd be mad and I totally can understand where you are coming from.

AlissaCell701

charmcitygirl:

Sure you can be mad. But what's done is done. You can't go back and untell them. Just accept those good thoughts (from extended family) and move on. You told them that they were out of line and that you're annoyed. No use getting upset over something you cant change. No use in getting your BP up over this. FWIW - my ILs told anyone who would listen that I was pregnant after my 6w u/s. Sure. I was annoyed, but they're annoying people and I moved on. I had much more important things to do - like nurture this little babe!

This is great advice! I also think its not worth getting all upset. Stress is BAD..

But my IL's pull the same crap and it gets my panties all in a twist too! How do they know how to push all of our buttons??

EastCoastBride

I get why you're upset.  But I also think that you need to start dealing w/ who you're parents actually are vs who you WANT them to be.  It doesn't sound like they are going to give you "normal".

GuitaristsGirl

a)  Yes, you get to be livid.  I definitely would be.  And, in fact, I'm mad for you   However!   my DH would have the exact same response as yours.

For that reason! -

b)  When it was me, I explicitly said 110 times to both family, "DO NOT TELL A SOUL UNTIL WE TELL YOU YOU CAN."  Each time, MIL has seemed truly shocked and actually downright horrified by that!  She's scared of me enough, though, that I think she complied   Had I not said that, I'm sure I would have written the exact same post.  People just don't think.  So sometimes we have to think for them

So sorry! 

CJ71903

That's annoying and I would be mad too.  I had a similar thing happen only it was my husband who blabbed to someone at work about our doing IVF.  This person told someone that I don't even really know and they came up to me at a baseball game and said in front of others, "I just want you to know that ____ told me what  you guys went through and I think your babies are miracles."  DH also told a couple of co-workers that we were expecting before we had heard the h/bs. 

So, yeah - I would be hurt that they blabbed.  I don't like it when people talk about my business behind my back.  They should just know that this is your news to tell and that you should be able to share it (or not) when/if you want to.

mrsolsenk12

I woild be mad as well. When i was doing IVF, my principal wemt and told the whole school why i was gone. (a new school year and new principal, the old one kept his mouth shut). I was so mad and hurt by that. When we shared with parents, i had to expressily tell MIL to keep her mouth shut until we decidedto share. She did it  ut she asked all the time when she could tell. Frustating!

Katietwin

You can be mad, and certainly have a right to your feelings.  But...I don't think it will be productive, or healthy for you.  Try to see it as just more prayers headed your way, and really - how could that ever be a bad thing?  

Keep your distance, and maybe just let them know  when next you speak that you're nervous and would like to keep things low-key until you're past a certain point in your pregnancy, but - I say give them permission to get excited and be optimistic, since you cannot just yet.  

I have always just tried to remember that the more people out there who know and are happy for me, the more people I will have to support me "in case"...

GL - sorry you got "outed" before you were ready!  

 

 

JillRock96

charmcitygirl:

Sure you can be mad. But what's done is done. You can't go back and untell them. Just accept those good thoughts (from extended family) and move on. You told them that they were out of line and that you're annoyed. No use getting upset over something you cant change. No use in getting your BP up over this. FWIW - my ILs told anyone who would listen that I was pregnant after my 6w u/s. Sure. I was annoyed, but they're annoying people and I moved on. I had much more important things to do - like nurture this little babe!

I agree with this completely.  Yes, of course you have a right to your feelings, and I would be mad, too.  But, from what you've posted about them before, I have a feeling that this behavior was not unexpected.  At the risk of sounding harsh, it sounds like you still have expectations of how you would like them to behave that do not fit in with their track record of behavior (which I am dealing with myself, with my mom).  I think that now that it is done, you can either dwell in the anger that you're feeling or accept that they (probably) are not going to chance, and focus on the good thoughts and prayers that people are sending your way for your precious miracles. 

(((BIG HUGS))) from someone who has been there (and is still there, sometimes).

DavezWife

I thing Jill may have hit a good point...I keep expecting normal, rational caring parents, then surprised when that's not what i get. Humpft. And I'm finding myself irritated that my husband says I can't be mad. And that they've pretty much sucked thru this entire process. Thx gals.

 

ETA - to clarify, my PARENTS have pretty much sucked. Not Davez. Davez rocks.

JillRock96

DavezWife:

I thing Jill may have hit a good point...I keep expecting normal, rational caring parents, then surprised when that's not what i get. Humpft. And I'm finding myself irritated that my husband says I can't be mad. And that they've pretty much sucked thru this entire process. Thx gals.

Honey, this is me exactly.  But someone on this board once told me that it is ok to expect caring, rational parents -- that of course, even as adults, we want parents that treat us with respect and love and don't live in crazytown 24/7.  I think that when we stop expecting those things, when we give up hope that those things can exist, we become bitter.  And so, we continue to get hurt, but in doing so, we grow into better parents ourselves.

futrkingsley

JillRock96:

DavezWife:

I thing Jill may have hit a good point...I keep expecting normal, rational caring parents, then surprised when that's not what i get. Humpft. And I'm finding myself irritated that my husband says I can't be mad. And that they've pretty much sucked thru this entire process. Thx gals.

Honey, this is me exactly.  But someone on this board once told me that it is ok to expect caring, rational parents -- that of course, even as adults, we want parents that treat us with respect and love and don't live in crazytown 24/7.  I think that when we stop expecting those things, when we give up hope that those things can exist, we become bitter.  And so, we continue to get hurt, but in doing so, we grow into better parents ourselves.

Jill is right and so kind.  I was going to reply all snarky, even though it doesn't really fit with this post.  Based on their past experience, you had some clue they wouldn't do what you wanted.  It's why you kept them in the dark for so long.  You probably meant to tell them to keep their traps shut and forgot about it or let it go.  And your hubby has been around this block enough times that he just doesn't want to deal, even if sympathy is what you want.

We can all wish that our parents were...different than they really are.  But the thing is, we are all old enough to have learned these lessons already. Our parents are not spring chickens and are not suddenly going to learn new tricks just because we are adults with our own families.  Accept the good thoughts and let the anger go.  It's not helping anyone. 

As a funny though, I must say that my dad is a big fat blabber.  His network is better than the local newspaper.  No joke.  So when I told him I was pregnant I had to give special instructions about who and when he could share.  And by goly, he honored them. And when I went into labor, I had instructions for that too and I made sure he knew I was serious.  I did not want him bringing my cranky grandmother to the hospital while I was in labor.  He didn't.  He didn't even come once in the 4 days I sat there on pitocin waiting.  And when I went into surgery, I asked my mom to have my brother tell my dad -- since my parents are divorced I didn't htink she'd call him.  Well she failed to pass along the message and my dad didn't find out until my son was hours and hours old.    And he kept his promise and didn't tell anyone for days because I had forgotten to give him the green light.  Oops.  As far as I know he didn't hold it against me.

pamela-matt

You have a right to be upset but not much to be done about it now.  I live by the creed that there are some things that are not mine to tell...engagements, births, deaths, pregnancies, separations/divorces...it is not my right unless someone specifically tells me it is okay.  Wish everyone felt like that.

skoorbnibor

charmcitygirl:

Sure you can be mad. But what's done is done. You can't go back and untell them. Just accept those good thoughts (from extended family) and move on. You told them that they were out of line and that you're annoyed. No use getting upset over something you cant change. No use in getting your BP up over this. FWIW - my ILs told anyone who would listen that I was pregnant after my 6w u/s. Sure. I was annoyed, but they're annoying people and I moved on. I had much more important things to do - like nurture this little babe!

Allison is wise! 

skoorbnibor

charmcitygirl:

Sure you can be mad. But what's done is done. You can't go back and untell them. Just accept those good thoughts (from extended family) and move on. You told them that they were out of line and that you're annoyed. No use getting upset over something you cant change. No use in getting your BP up over this. FWIW - my ILs told anyone who would listen that I was pregnant after my 6w u/s. Sure. I was annoyed, but they're annoying people and I moved on. I had much more important things to do - like nurture this little babe!

Allison is wise!