I have to vent to someone who will understand (toddler ticker)
steph&michael
member
Background quickly since I mostly lurk here....I had a mc at 8 weeks several years ago, a healthy DD in 2009, a mc at 5 weeks last winter and another 8 week loss (after 2 ultrasounds where we saw that little heart beating away) 5 weeks ago. Since then, I feel like my friends constantly say hurtful things even though I know they don't mean them. I've gotten all the classics--"at least you have a child" "look at all the positives in your life" "you can get pregnant again" "at least getting pregnant is easy" etc, etc. But I think today was probably the worst. My best friend is pregnant with the exact same due date I should have(from my most recent loss). I was talking to her after my consult with my OB (to develop a plan for my next pregnancy) and told her that I would be placed on progesterone, have repeat HCG levels until I'm far enough to see a heartbeat and then have weekly ultrasounds until I'm past my first trimester. Her response was "You're so lucky! I wish I could have weekly ultrasounds!"
I couldn't even reply bc I was so upset, I just made up some excuse about my DD needing my help and hung up. Here she is, 13 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby, and has had healthy babies with no losses.....and I just can't even explain how I feel but I know you ladies will understand. I just had to get it off my chest.
Re: I have to vent to someone who will understand (toddler ticker)
I am so sorry for your losses and what you are dealing with with your friends. I too went through all of the insensitive BS from friends and family. I swear, if I heard "Well at least you know you could get pregnant" one more time, I was going to lose it!!! I still get it...3 months later.
During my pregnancy, I had to do what you will be doing for your next. I was on progesterone, tons of bloodwork, and weekly ultrasounds. Even after the 1st trimester, they only went to every 2.5 weeks. It was not easy. It was actually terrifying. Each week you were waiting for bad news and couldn't have one day of peace.
For those who have never had a loss, it is impossible for them to understand. Of course she would want to see her LO more... She is having a healthy, problem free pregnancy. It's exciting. But for us it is more complicated.
I am glad you have us here to vent and talk to. This board has been such a huge help for me. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
Our baby boy,Logan, was born still at 19w3d on 7/1/2011
Our 2nd baby boy, Mason, was born still at 20w3d on 1/31/2012
After a much needed sanity break... we are praying for our rainbows
((BFP 7/29/13)) ((EDD 4/12/14)) It's BOY/GIRL twins!!!
I'm sorry your friend was so insensitive. I'm with PP, if I have one more person say 'at least you know you can get pregnant' I'm going to cry. I'm really not sure how that is supposed to help me right now.
I really can't believe she said that to you :-(
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks
Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks on Nov 27 2012
I totally understand how you feel. Since my missed m/c, I have gotten "this is God's way of taking care of something that wasn't healthy" ;" at least you know you can get pregnant"; and "well, you really weren't trying that long anyway." I have PCOS and IF issues and have been seeing an RE. I think that people think that they are being supportive but it just makes me feel worse. Honestly, I have been isolating myself from these people becuase I can't bare to hear these things or talk about my m/c yet. People ask me how I'm doing like I'm going to say, "I'm great!" What do they expect? It's only been a week! I am sorry that you are going through this. It just makes a hard situation that much harder. My thoughts are with you. ~Tara
I am so sorry for all of your losses and the insensitivity of people.
I finally snapped at the "At least you can get pregnant" I just shouted even if I get pregnant a thousand times it doesn't mean a thing if I have no child to bring home! I don't think a lot of people understood that until I said it.
I hope your friend was just speaking out of her butt and she normally is a better comfort to you. I know recently my mother was going with my sister to her ultrasound and they were talking about how they were going to exaggerate her symptoms to potentially get an extra ultrasound. The apparently, I am "too sensitive" because I said, "Aren't you worried your might junx yourself? I couldn't do that."
Until someone experiences this loss, they are going to think they know the right thing to say but we all know it rarely is. It sucks.
This!
It seems we are all getting the classic comments "It's nature's or God's way of taking care of a problem", "At least you can get pregnant", "You weren't trying that long"
I'm sorry, but none of these are comforting. Problem or no problem, I will love my baby. I get pregnant first/second try, but that doesn't mean anything. And what does it matter how long we tried to get pregnant? These people may be trying to be supportive, but I don't understand how they think these comments are helpful!
And OP, yikes! about your sister and shame on her! I'm sorry, but I don't find that right.
Feel free to vent here anytime. These ladies are amazing and so supportive!
I'm really sorry people are being so hurtful. I have gotten those comments to, along with the others that people have posted, it's very hurtful. People keep telling me I have enough children and didn't really need another.....ouch. Regardless of whether I had no kids or 10 kids I really loved and wanted that baby and even if I could go on to have 10 more kids not a single one of those kids would ever replace the baby I lost.
In my case when people say at least you know you can get pregnant...well they don't know about the vasectomy DH had 3 days before my m/c....so while we are going to try again we have been told by several drs it isn't likely we will be successful.
Another note for you all that have experienced a loss and already have children:
I am so sorry that people keep saying "At least you have children." I feel that it is incredibly insensitive. I am so sorry taht you all have to deal with that added heap of stinging crap.