End of the road

AmandaMacD

I can't believe that I am actually here.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that we would be pulling out all stops for 2.5 years to have Baby #2 with nothing to show for it.  I've been on an ART break since March and I thought for sure we would conceive....how naive am I? 

So, DH and I decided that 1 more IVF and then we are done.  By done, it means no more Baby #2.  No more ART, no more charting, no more OPK, no more anything.  I will be getting an IUD, just so I am not secretly driving myself crazy with this.  I know how I am and I will NEVER give up if there is even a sliver of a chance, so I need an IUD to keep me from becoming the crazy person I am now.

I got AF in the middle of the night, so I will be starting BCP in a few days in prep for our 2nd and final IVF.  I am scared to death of it failing, but in my gut, I know it will.  I can't even imagine having another baby.  I used to be able to, but now that dream seems so far away.  Come the end of November, I will have my life back again in some way....either as a pregnant momma or as a momma of one, anything but this limbo land I've been living in for so long.

Please Please Please Please Please....this has to be it. 

JMay

Amanda, I have so much to say!  I'm happy for you that you have a plan - I can imagine that must provide some relief, if not also stress and anxiety.  The idea of "having your life back" is wonderful, and I also long for that day.  We've shared equally long roads, and like you, I am no longer able to imagine life with another child.  One of my deepest hopes is that "not being able to imagine it" does not mean it won't happen.  I hope this for you as well.  I am with you on never being able to give up if there is a sliver of a chance - and at the same time, it's SO hard to make a choice that will ensure it won't happen.  I wish you strength and conviction through this time, which is sure to test you on many levels.  I ditto your "pleases", and hope that no matter what happens, you will have peace in your heart when all is said and done.   Remember we're all here for you.

DSU98

((HUGS)) I will be praying so hard for you!!!!!

bronxite

Amanda!

I could have written this post.

We are on day 4 of our last cycle, too. Either way we are moving on after this.

Limbo is no way to live.

My husand and I were talking about birth control options last night -- I couldn't believe it. It's so weird.

I forget -- are you an RMA patient? If so I will be sure to sprinkle lots of good luck dust for you, especially near the fish tank, because it sure is pretty over there

I hope this cycle is it for you, and if not, I hope you find peace in your decision to move on.

All the best to you and your family.

Abby

smalltownmama

((HUGS)) I know how you feel and we will be done soon too. January is when we are calling it quits. However, I'm not as brave as you are and we won't be preventing, so I know I will always have that STUPID little glimmer of hope.

For the longest time, I couldn't imagine NOT having another baby, and now I truly can't imagine having one. It seems like a myth, a fairy tale, something that happens to everyone else but never to me.

hoping4more

I don't mean this in a rude way at all and i realize it is a long emotional journey (trust me when I say I know) but have you considered adoption?

AmandaMacD

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for your support.  This is so rough and I wish no one ever had to feel the way we feel.  It so isn't fair.

@bronxite...I am at RMA in Mo'town.  Are you?  Who is your RE?  I go to Drews, but have been dildo cammed by all....I'm such a ho like that   I will be there Saturday...maybe we will get to meet!!! Lots of luck to you as well.

@h4m...Don't be silly...I know you aren't being rude.  We've discussed and considered adoption, but to be honest, we can't afford the process or the potential heartbreak.  We are so blessed to have insurance coverage for ART bc without it, we wouldn't be able to go through this. 

bronxite

Ha - yup - Mo'town, too. I am with Dr. Morris and Nurse Joyce.

I will be there Sunday a.m. to see how I am progressing on the Gonal-F. Maybe our paths will cross soon

lena0210

I'll be praying for you, I hope this cycle is it.

cvillecouple

There are so, so many people pulling for you.  I am definitely among them  I am so so glad for you that you and your DH have a plan, and am praying that the end of November comes quickly, and brings you all your hopes and dreams.

hoping4more

AmandaMacD:

@h4m...Don't be silly...I know you aren't being rude.  We've discussed and considered adoption, but to be honest, we can't afford the process or the potential heartbreak.  We are so blessed to have insurance coverage for ART bc without it, we wouldn't be able to go through this. 

I understand that all too well, part of the reason we chose foster2adopt, but frick is this just as painful (if not worse) the the straight adoption route. I think you know my story. 

You are so lucky to have ART insurance, now if it would only work dammit! I continue to think about you often, and I hope that gorgeous girl of yours gets to be a big sister soon. 

Twizzle

I really hope that this one last shot works for you!  It sounds like you are at peace with your decision, which is good.

tosh24

I'm sorry you've reached the last step on your journey I can only imagine how difficult it is to make that decision. I truly hope with everything I've got that this last IVF brings you and your family another LO. It's so unfair that anyone has to travel this road.

I don't mean to pry, so feel free not to answer, but should you end up with snow babies and the fresh cycle doesn't work out (trying not to think about that.....), would you continue on with a FET?

Wishing you all the luck in the world! {{{HUGS}}}

Stacy092306

(((hugs))) I will be sending so much good luck your way for this last IVF cycle.

AmandaMacD

You ladies are all so amazing and I can't even begin to explain how much I appreciate your support and understanding. 

@tosh...We would definitely do a FET if we had embryos left.  The RE is hopeful that my egg quality issue is a result of my PCOS and insulin resistence, and now that both of these have been treated since May, we hopefully have a better shot.  Last IVF, 23 of 26 eggs fertilized and most of them didn't make it to Day 3 and none to Day 5 or freeze   I hope the metformin and DHEA are helping. 

hope4us

I too will be praying really hard for you.  I have a feeling it will work this time, now that you've been treated.  I was really close to the end of the road too.  Sending you tons of good luck IVF juice your way.  Hugs!

choirgirl

Butting late here, but wanted to say it's so nice to "see" you!

I totally understand needing to know it's over. But I really hope you don't have to get there, that this current cycle works for you.  I can't stand seeing you, Jenna, hoping4more, and me still here.  If you'd asked me last year when I joined this board, I would never have believed you if you said I'd still be here in a year.

I am praying so hard for you and your family.  

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but for me, I don't even think and IUD would do it for me, because I know a *lot* of healthy babies born to moms who were using IUDs when they got k/u. We didn't take out my IUD until Aug 2010 because that's when DH was ready, but I was holding out hope that I would get pg with the IUD in from the prior March! Crazy I Am. 

Universe, please make this it for Amanda!!

queenbone

I hope this cycle is it.  And I hope your visions change to include another baby. GL, sweetie!

lillinzlou

I am a little late here, but I am praying so hard for you this month. I really, really hope that this month brings you some relief. Limbo is the worst part of all of this. I wish we all had a crystal ball where we could find out when it was going to happen, if at all. That would end the monthly heartache, endless concern over whether we're doing enough, or if all my efforts are in vain.

I will be thinking of you everyday this month and you will be in my daily meditations. This HAS to be your month!

MaybeMore

Chances of success for IVF#2 are barely, barely lower than for #1!!!!

 

GL!