my 2 hour ordeal to get dd to bed last night

jessNdean

Okay so I have been having issues with DD going to bed on her own since we took the paci away.  The paci has been gone for 1 month! yay to that!  But she constantly wants me to rub her until she is fully passed out and this can go for about an hour.  I have been trying to stick to my guns and only rub for 20 mins and then leave.  Well last night I did that and she freaked.  She kept getting out of her bed and trying to open her door.  So I got fed up with the 100th time she did that so i let her out of her room made her sit on the floor in the hall way (we live in an apt so its not that big) and told her she wasn't allowed to move and I turned the lights off.  She got upset and cried hard and I told her she either can go to her bed like a big girl by herself or she can sit and cry.  well she chose to sit and cry for 2 hours.  3 times she told me she was ready to go to her bed which she did but got up 2 seconds after that.  the last time she finally said "mommy i'm ready" and she finally fell asleep.  2 hours ! ugh so fustrating but she finally did get the point of what i was doing.

(dh tried to intervene and pick her up and rock her in her chair and i got mad because i can do the same thing and she would pass out but its not helping the situation on her being able to be a big girl and go to bed on her own)

Just thought i'd share!

Brewtowngrl

You need to stop rubbing her back and just let her throw a fit.  She is playing you big time.  She is old enough to not need help falling asleep. 

jessNdean

20 mins is still bad?! i thought that was a huge step from an hour! dang! i am going to try tonight to not rub at all.

EastCoastBride

We just took the paci away too and I've noticed a definite change in both his naps and nighttime.... ugh.  I'll be curious as to what others say.

One thing, though, that I do (and did pre- no paci) was that if I had to come back to his room again, __ toy will go away.  He often takes certain toys to bed- be it cars, foam letters, his "captain", etc.  I'll go back in a time or two, but at a point, I'll say "If you get out of bed or I have to come back up, what's going to happen?" and he'll say "___ goes bye-bye". 

As I have had to follow through on this before, he knows that I mean it!  So... often times just SAYING it is enough to keep him in bed and going to sleep. 

 I NEVER threaten to take away his lovey.  I don't ever want that to be an item he feels could be taken.  He's actually "offered" it up - when I ask him what will go bye-bye, he'll say "taggie?" and I"mlike "no!!!  ___ will go bye-bye.  You get to keep taggie.". 

lilmami3

jessNdean:

20 mins is still bad?! i thought that was a huge step from an hour! dang! i am going to try tonight to not rub at all.

I don't think it's bad I still rock Rae for 20 minutes while reading a story. I need that quite time together each night. I do it with all three even my 5 year old.

Maybe i'm just a sap! lol

jessNdean

i don't mind the rocking part but i not when i'm trying to get her to go to bed because she will be even more upset when i put her down.  I dont mind doing that after bath time and get her relaxed for when its time to finally go to bed. I'm a sap in that way too! i love that time. but she was already 1hr 1/2 past her bed time.

lilmami3

I can understand that. We have bedtime issues too. I actually told my DD I was "locking" her in. It worked in a way. But, then I felt bad for doing it. She did though she stayed in her bed all night.

EastCoastBride

Oh, another thing I've done is that I put a baby gate up across DS's doorway.  It was more for the morning - but he'll open up his door, see the gate, and often times just stay in his room quietly playing until I come up. 

 

lilmami3

EastCoastBride:

Oh, another thing I've done is that I put a baby gate up across DS's doorway.  It was more for the morning - but he'll open up his door, see the gate, and often times just stay in his room quietly playing until I come up. 

 

Never thought of doing that! Good idea.

2bulldogmom

Yikes!  With all due respect, there are so many things wrong with that situation that I don't know where to start!  I remember your post the other day about having problems with naptime, bedtime, and tantrums in general.

You have GOT to understand that you are the parent and YOU call the shots.  That doesn't mean that she is going to be happy and accept everything you say, but if you continue to be cut-and-dry firm about rules and what is and is not acceptable, she will eventually realize that she will not get her way.  She needs to be able to predict the consequences of her actions 100% of the time.

No more back rubbing.  A nice hug, quick kiss and close the door.  Do not open it unless you see smoke coming out.  Every time you open that door, you teach her that she can manipulate you.  She is a big girl and needs to put herself to sleep.

Making her sit on the floor in the hallway is not conducive to the situation at hand at all.  You are just allowing her to prolong the bedtime process and further reinforcing that she doesn't have to be in her bed if she doesn't want to.  Telling her that she can either go to bed like a big girl or sit and cry is useless and very negative in my opinion.  She should have never been allowed to come out of her room to be put in that situation in the first place!

She should have never been out of her room in the first place, but letting her cry for two hours in the hallway?  You should have taken the bull by the horns long before that with a "Mommy loves you, but it's time for bed now," and placed her in bed with no discussion.

Your DH was wrong to rock her.  He is allowing her to manipulate as well.

I'm sorry if the post comes across as mean or scolding in any way.  That's not my intention!  It can be very hard to immediately know how to handle situations with toddlers.  If you take anything from my post, take this - YOU ARE THE ADULT.  YOU ARE IN CHARGE.  WHAT YOU SAY GOES, NO IFS AND OR BUTS.  She is not going to be happy with many rules, but crying in the hallway for two hours isn't really working for you either, is it?

Hope you are able to make good changes soon!

jessNdean

I totally get what you are saying but I didn't know what else to do!!! I do have to say that it was the first time she had ever said on her own that she was ready to be a big girl and go to bed. I think I needed to hear her say that on her own. I know maybe putting her in the hallway to sit and cry was negative but I didn't know what to do. If i allow her to be in her room and not in her bed she will just go play with her toys. I do always try to put her back in her bed first and saying "mommy loves you but its bed time now" we have the sweetest talks about going to bed when I first get her in there but then all hell breaks loose.  You are right I am the adult and what I say goes. 

Okay tonight when i put her to bed (with no rubbing) and she gets up ...you suggest I go back in ...tuck her in and tell her to stay in bed and that its bed time and when she does it again just leave her in there?  how long would you wait to see if she is somewhere in her room sleeping if she isn't in her bed? Her and I can do this for hours back and forth!

Brewtowngrl

DS gets a toy taken away if he gets out of bed unless it is really important.  He goes potty, has a drink of water, the dog checks out his room and makes sure there is nothing scary all before I turn out the lights.  Once the lights are out he blows me a kiss.  If he yells for me once I am out a toy is gone.  Last night he lost his prized guitar.  He will get it back tomorrow. 

Since she is used to rubbing I would let her know you will rub tonight for X number of min.  I would suggest 3-5.  Set a timer and let her see you set it.  Explain before hand that once the timer goes off that the rubbing is over and she needs to stay in bed.  Give her a consequence if she gets out of bed.  Listen at the door and see if she is playing.  If she is calmly walk in and take a toy.  No words and leave.  If you feel you need to put her back in bed still no talking.  If she is screaming let her scream. 

Brewtowngrl

Also, I have no issue with locking him in.  It is not a safety hazard like some people think. 

2bulldogmom

jessNdean:

I totally get what you are saying but I didn't know what else to do!!! I do have to say that it was the first time she had ever said on her own that she was ready to be a big girl and go to bed. I think I needed to hear her say that on her own. I know maybe putting her in the hallway to sit and cry was negative but I didn't know what to do. If i allow her to be in her room and not in her bed she will just go play with her toys. I do always try to put her back in her bed first and saying "mommy loves you but its bed time now" we have the sweetest talks about going to bed when I first get her in there but then all hell breaks loose.  You are right I am the adult and what I say goes. 

Okay tonight when i put her to bed (with no rubbing) and she gets up ...you suggest I go back in ...tuck her in and tell her to stay in bed and that its bed time and when she does it again just leave her in there?  how long would you wait to see if she is somewhere in her room sleeping if she isn't in her bed? Her and I can do this for hours back and forth!

I know it's tough.  Even though we're the parents, we're just people and we're not perfect!

Yes, she may just play with her toys while she is in her room at night, but the big difference is that YOU haven't given in to her in that scenario.  You can't control when she closes her eyes and falls asleep, but you can at least control that you mean business when its bedtime and you keep your word. 

Tonight I would do just what you said above.  Put her to bed with a nice hug and kiss.  No rubbing at all.  Close the door.  She will throw an absolute fit.  Give her about five or ten minutes, then go back in to put her back to bed and calmy explain that it is bedtime.  After that, I wouldn't go back in there again at all.  She is big enough to get the picture from that.  Tomorrow night, I wouldn't go in at all after the initial tuck-in.  Keep doing that every night.  It will be hard to hear the crying and it may take anywhere from a few nights to a few weeks for her to significantly impove.  Just remember that you are actually doing HER a favor by allowing her to learn to put herself to sleep at night, not to mention how much happier you and your husband will be.  Best of luck and keep us posted on how things go!

lilmami3

Brewtowngrl:

Also, I have no issue with locking him in.  It is not a safety hazard like some people think. 

If you really think about I think it's slightly more safe to do it as long as the room is child-proofed. Because what if the child gets up in the middle of the night when nobody else is awake and gets into something or gets hurt? Thats what made me feel not so bad about doing it.

Mjmksb04

The only other thing I would add is to make sure you have a decent nightlight in there, especially if the door is shut. My DS is good with going to bed but has recently developed a fear of the dark and we now have to keep his door open in addition to the various nightlights.