Trouble TTC

Feeling very alone....

I just had my 2nd IUI on Sunday & Monday. My husband and I first saw an RE in July, so we're pretty new to all of this IF crap. We told our immediate family about our struggles (my mom, his parents, our sisters) and my reason for this was because I felt that I needed people to talk to, to comfort/support me. My husband didn't want to tell our families, but I deeply needed family support. Note, that my husband is beyond wonderful and is supportive, but we can only talk about IF so much every day.

Lately I've felt very alone. My mom is the only one who calls regularly and asks how I'm doing. My sister doesn't call and either do my in-laws. My sister-in-law had IVF with ICSI to have her son, and even she rarely calls! I can't understand this. I try to tell myself that they don't want to pry and maybe they're trying to respect our privacy, but I need more than  this! 

Does anyone else have this issue? IF is all so emotionally and physically draining, and it means the world when someone asks how I'm doing, but that rarely happens. Am I being too sensitive?


BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Feeling very alone....

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    I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I feel like I have support, but it is still a very lonely experience. I think people know with me that it is a sensitive subject, and dont want to upset me. What they dont realize is there are exciting things that I want to share that arent my BFP, like how many follies, or getting my meds for free, or whatever.

    I have really grown to appreciate this board, people are supportive and understanding. And you know you are not alone here :)

    Anniversary TTC since Oct 2009
    BFP June 3,2012
    Partial Molar Pregnancy :(
    D&C July 12, 2012
    Forced 6 month break.
    BFP January 13, 2013
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    I'm sorry you're feeling that way :( I definitely understand the alone feeling, I have moments where I feel like no one can really understand how I feel dealing with IF. We only told my parents about what we're doing and I mostly just talk to my mom about it when I need someone to vent to; my parents also call to get updates when we have monitoring, after IUI etc, so we have a really good support network. And of course I primarily lean on SO for support and someone to talk to.

    I agree with the PP's that your family knows it is a sensitive subject and is not sure how to approach it with you, in case you do not have good news and end up getting upset at them for bringing it up. IF is definitely a double-edged sword in that way.

    I'm mostly on the IF board, it has been a huge help talking to the ladies on here and seeing that yes, it's hard for everyone and yes, I'm not the only one dealing with this. I wish there was a RESOLVE group in my area though, maybe you can see if there is one in your area?


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    I also have a SIL who did IVF to have her daughter, and she doesn't call either. She asks me how things are going when we see each other once a month or so, but that's about it. Frankly, I think it is difficult for her to talk about. She tears up just thinking about what she went through and she feels badly that the same thing is happening to us, so talking about it often would be rough. Everyone is different, so I really think you can't take it personally. If you need to talk to her about it, make the call. People just often don't know how to act in these situations, whether they've been through it or not.  ((hugs))
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    After 22 cycles and 4 failed IUIs, Serafina joined our family through IVF/ICSI, born 8.28.12
    Our surprise baby, Juliette, is due 12.8.14!

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    We have only told my mom and sister, and I regularly talk to my mom about things just to vent or get things off my chest.  DH is a support, but having another woman to talk to makes me feel a lot better. If I am having one of those days, I call them.  Waiting for them to call me and assuming they just know I need someone to listen at that moment doesn't make sense. 

    I think that this is one of those situations where the person in question would probably be more than willing to listen and support you if you just make the call.  They can't read your mind, and they may not want to open up a conversation since it is a very sensitive subject.  

    Have you looked into any support opportunities offered at your clinic?  Mine has monthly groups as well as workshops and webinars to offer patients (those who are going through a cycle and those who aren't) the chance to see and interact with others going through something similar.  Chatting with friends/family is great, but organized support opportunities can be really helpful as well.  

    GL, and I hope you get the support you need!

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    TTC since 2008
    Dh:34, no issues.  Me:31, Endo, slightly hypothyroid, deformed ovary, paracentric inversion.
    4 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone +TI cycles= all BFN
    Lap in 2012 to remove large unresolving cyst discovered endo and double lobed ovary.
     6 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone IUI cycles= All BFN,
    1st IVF w/ICSI- June '13 Antagonist: Gonal-F, Menopur, Ganirelix, HcG, Estradiol, Crinone= 7 retrieved, 4 mature, 1 unfertilized, 2 abnormally fertilized, 1 normally fertilized.  2DT of only embryo and our miracle BFP.
    Our beloved baby boy was born sleeping Oct. 13, 2013 due to pROM/IC/Uterine infection.
    2nd IVF w/ICSI- Feb. '14 EPP/lupron/antagonist: Estrace, lupron, HGH, Gonal-F, Menopur, HcG, PIO, lovenox, doxy/dex.=21 retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized!!  5dt of 1 blast/ 6 frozen. BFP!  Beta 1 9dp5dt:83.9  Beta 2: 11dp5dt: 145.2  Beta 3  14dp5dt: 497  Please be our sticky rainbow baby!

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    That's tough. We chose not to open up to our family at all about our struggle. I just can't handle that and I know they won't be supportive, that's why I'm here instead. Would you feel comfortable talking to your SIL and asking if you could lean on her a little? She must understand what you're going through but may figure that she doesn't want to pry. If you open that door, it may prove to be beneficial to both of you. GL
    BabyFruit Ticker

    PCOS--TTC since 11/2010:   
    5 cycles of Clomid: all BFN, 1 cycle of Follistim:CP
    1 year break thanks to deployment.
    1 cycle Follistim: BFN, Lap to remove peritubal cyst May 2013
    2 cycles Follistim + trigger: BFN, Gonal F +IUI April 2014: BFP!!!!!! 

    Boy/Girl Twins due Jan 5, 2015!!! 

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    I'm sorry you are feeling alone and can totally relate to how you feel.  I am new to the fertiliy stuff too, and I feared that my worries would wear out my husband so I reached out to my best friend about two months ago.  She hasn't even started trying to have kids, but we have supported each other through many things. I listened to her problems on a daily basis while she went through seperation (and almost a divorce) after being married for only 6 months.  I know that these are totally different issues, but she hasn't mentioned my IF issues once since I told her. Anyway, I really think people are just uncomfortable with this topic and don't know what to say so they don't say anything at all. You may just need to initiate the conversation with your sisters and in-laws, because they probably avoid the topic as not to upset you vs. pure lack of concern.  You are lucky to have a supportive mother, and I would keep leaning on her anytime you feel alone and need to talk to someone other than your husband.  Of course you always have the 3T group as well. :)

    Aug 11 - Nov11: IUI #1,2,3 & 4 BFN
    Jan 12: IVF #1 - BFP!
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    I've been feeling this way a lot lately too.  We've been pretty open about our struggles, especially since I had to have lap surgery a month ago--after that, pretty much everyone knew.  My family has been pretty good about asking about what's going on.  My mom is a little annoying because she is so clueless about the whole thing and refuses to do a little research to try and understand on her own --she'd rather just ask me a million questions, so I end up explaining it all to her over and over.

    Some of my friends have been great, but two of my best friends are really disappointing me right now.  They were the two who said "just relax and it'll happen" or "you're just over-thinking it" when it had been about 6 months or so of trying.  Now that we have a diagnosis and are with an RE, they hardly even ask me about it.  They live out of town, and we usually talk on the phone pretty regularly, but I feel like both of them are kind of avoiding me right now.  I guess they don't know what to say.

    It's frustrating!  But you aren't alone!  I'm glad you posted this today, I think I needed the vent.

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     they don't want to pry and maybe they're trying to respect our privacy

    This would be my guess as to what's happening.  If you need/want more support, vocalize that to them and ask for what you need. 

    My ILs and other relatives will ask occasionally how we're dealing with things, but mostly they try to stay out of our hair. This works great for me, because DH and I talk about it a lot, and I have an IF friend IRL that I vent to, so I just need family to check in once in a while and see how we're doing, since they can't really relate to what we're going through.

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    I also have been very open about our IF struggles because I too need that support.  My husband was the same as yours, he didn't understand why others needed to know.  As time went on MH realized that it was a blessing that others knew because they were able to talk to him about their experiences and he didn't feel so alone in all of this.

    As for people not calling, I think they are just trying to respect your privacy.  When I am feeling lonely, I will call my mom on my way home from work and she will talk or listen to whatever I need.  If family knows that I am going through a particular rough patch, like yesterday, they will call or e-mail me just to let me know that they are there if needed.  

    IF is such a touchy subject and outside people don't know how to react to the news from others.  If you are close with your family, I would talk to them about how you are feeling and maybe they will realize that they need to call more often.  Don't be afraid to call them either.  I know my family and friends have been there numerous time for me when I have called just to vent about something.

    You are not being too sensitive and remember you are NOT alone!

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    You are definitely not alone! My in-laws are the exact same way. i told them about my IF struggles July 2010 and they havent mentioned it since! At first I was really hurt, but then I realized they did not want to pry with questions and they are very private people, so now I dont let it bother me and I know their lack of questions does not mean they dont care. If I want to bring it up, I do. I think it creates a more comfortable situation for all of us. My mom, on the other hand is definitely available for support and wil call to check up on me, so Im thankful for that. Hang in there...this board will definitely help you too! 
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    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I understand where you are coming from though. We have chosen to not tell anyone about our issues. DH is very private and his family would just be too much in our faces about what was going on. My family would be supportive, but at the same time I think they also wouldn't want to pry.

    I'm new to the board, but already I can see how supportive everyone is and that will hopefully help you feel less alone!

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    Thanks girls. Hearing all of your replies lets me know that other people feel like this too and that I'm not crazy. I'm so lucky to have you girls.  :)
    BabyFruit Ticker
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