Discipline for an 8 and 10 year old...
Ok, ladies, I need some help. I've recently become the guardian of my 8 and 10 year old nieces and I'm beginning to realize that they've grown up with the idea that they can argue with an authority figure. They also don't seem to feel that they need to follow my directives the first time they're given. I know that part of this is part of the transition, but they've been with me for 4 weeks now and I'm still fighting the same battles that I was fighting 4 weeks ago, so I need some new ideas as far as discipline.
Right now, grounding doesn't work very well because we're so busy during the evening that they don't really have time to watch TV and they don't, yet, have friends in the neighborhood that they'd want to play with. I have told them that they are grounded from playing with my daughter (whom they LOVE to play with), but that backfired because the 21 month old didn't understand why her new big "sisters" wouldn't play with her.
ETA: These children have not come from an abusive situation, but they haven't had the most stable parenting for a majority of their lives.
So, what are some of the effective discipline methods you've used with your older kiddos? TIA!!
Re: Discipline for an 8 and 10 year old...
I would bring it back down to basics and have a family meeting. Discuss the house rules and expectations and write them on poster board and post them in the house. Also write down the consquences/rewards for each one. Then everyone signs the contract. Explain that they are old enough to have imput. So if a house rule is we treat each other with respect, that would mean that you and your H needed to treat them with respect just as they do for your and your H (i'm not saying either of you aren't but you will need to point it out to them that they are treated with respect and kindness and you expect the same treatment from them)
Also it's not an us against them situation, these would be rules/expectations you would hold your own DD to at age appropriate times. No one is expecting a 2 year old to make her bed everyday but she can tidy up/pick up toys with direction or supervision.
Also the best advice my mother gave me, is I'm the parent I do not argue with the children. I state what is expected and if the child does not do what is expected consquences happen. I do not need to give any reason other than we are part of a household and we all work together to make that household run. This is your job.
You are a real hero, and you have my admiration for taking your nieces into your home. I have three pieces of advice for you:
--four weeks is a drop in the bucket. I would expect they are still reeling from the transition, and that you haven't even BEGUN to see the extent of the the adjustments they're going to have to make. At this point, they may still be seeing you as "Fun, Cool Aunt Singingmama" and not "Aunt Singingmama, The Authority Figure We Must Obey and Therefore At Times Rebel Against" yet. You might not have even scratched the surface of what you're going to see in them in the months to come.
--read Parenting With Love and Logic. It's excellent, and will probably be the quickest means to get you up and running with a consistent philosophy that will help you and the children make the transition. Many parenting books are aimed at the toddler/preschooler set. Love and Logic works for all ages, but the examples in the book tend to focus on school aged kids and teens.
--consider seeking a family counselor who has experience in this type of situation to help you, the girls, your DD, and your husband find your way through this transition, especially if you expect that the girls will be with you for the long haul. You're doing a wonderful thing, but it's a BIG thing, and you might need more than just a willing spirit. The girls might need more too!
Ditto the How To Talk So Kids Will Listen book. Also Kids Are Worth It is another good book.
With 8-10 y/o girls (nearly the same ages as my DDs!) I find it helps to phrase rules in a positive way like "in our house we use respectful words and voices" instead of "don't be rude and no whining."
They can help you come up with house expectations which would be a good idea to post. Kids these ages like to have expectations clearly spelled out for them.
Grounding my girls or taking away things has never been a very effective punishment. Instead, they need the most logical consequences possible. If they forget to put clothes in the hamper, they don't get clean clothes or must do their own wash. Rudeness or whining gets a "I am ready to listen when you're ready to be polite." If they get ready for school promptly, they get to watch a little tv or read, if they don't they miss that relaxation time. If they don't pack their own lunch, I'll pack it but they won't like my lunches as much as their own (I "forget" to add a treat).