Curious about disapproval for mom-to-be having any involvement in shower

Sascha3

I know it is strongly frowned upon for a mom-to-be to have any say so in the planning of her own shower, but many posts on here leave me questioning whether or not it is that bad.

I see a lot of posts about the hosts doing things that many consider rude.  For example...diaper raffles, having guests address their own thank you cards, not providing food for the guests, including rude requests on the shower invite, etc.

If the bride has no knowledge or hand in planning her own shower, does it not still reflect poorly on her if her hosts choose to use horrible etiquette in the shower they plan?  If I went to a shower where I saw a money raffle, or there was not any food, I would be really irritated, and I would assume to mom-to-be allowed it to happen. 

I would prefer to have some involvement in how things are planned and what is included.  Maybe it is just the control freak in me.

BitsKD13

Since it's a party thrown in mom-to-be's honor it wouldn't be appropriate for her to help plan it.  Especially if mom-to-be plans it that just looks gift grabby. 

As for request on the invite it depending on what they were would influence who I blame.  Registry requests like no pink things, no characters, no strips, etc I would blame mom-to-be.  As for things like diaper raffles I've never seen that so I would probably assume it was the hostess but not get all upset- I just wouldn't participate.  I personal don't mind the ?bring a book in place of card? request. 

When it comes to addressing our own thank you envelopes, bad/not enough food, or the prizes for games that are to be given back to mom-to-be that is strictly on the hostess- remember mom-to-be isn't supposed to help with the planning.  If mom-to-be wants to have a little say (she'd prefer a duck theme or the smell of some foods make her feel sick so please don't serve them) that's ok to me. 

But I take the stance that it is not the guest of honor?s fault if the host/ess has bad etiquette.  To me assuming it's her fault (unless you know she's a total control freak who disregards etiquette and helps plan her own shower) is rude. Remember "when you assume you make an a$$ of you and me."

Julia_JJ

My hostesses are providing all the food, the venue, sending the invitations, etc. But we all met because they wanted to plan something that I would enjoy - and it's going to be exactly what I'd want. And I'm helping out, mostly because I feel guilty having someone else pay for everything at a party where everyone is *also* bringing gifts for us. So I'm taking care of decorations and favors (the favors being a little "thank you" to our guests). May not line up with etiquette, but we all felt comfortable with it.

BitsKD13

Umm, the shower IS your gift from the hostess/es.  You are the guest of honor.

Middlesnpoddles

I was a host for my sister's baby shower.  The other host tried to involve my sister in the planning/colors/etiquette and she ended up having a hormonal freakout in the middle of party city.  Bad idea for the MTB to be involved IMO.  

If the hosts end up doing something gift-grabby or rude, anyone who knows anything about a shower will know it's not your fault.  Maybe you could ask to see the invitations and ask them small questions just to make sure it's going smoothly..but that is the absolute most I would do.

 I am a control freak too, I completely understand.  But wouldn't it be nice to sit back and be pleasantly surprised?    good luck! 

Ivana_Stolichnaya

I was invited to a brunch at a nice restaurant and then was told I owed the host $26 for my meal. I was shocked because I've never had to pay for my food at a party, nor was there any sort of warning in the Evite that I needed to have cash on me.

Do I think poorly towards the mom-to-be on this?  ...No.  I look down at the host, what she did was tacky and rude to assume that she didn't have to pay for the meals.  If you can't afford to throw a party for someone then don't throw one...but don't hit up the guests for money during the shower.

rhubarb123

I agree with the others.  Just because the host is rude/tacky doesn't mean the MTB is.  Like the one pp pointed out, if there is something on the invite that says No character clothing, No sports themed things, etc. then you know the MTB made that request not the hostess.

weddingbells2010

The host gets the kudos for a good shower and the side-eyes for the tacky showers.  If the MTB is overly involved in the planning and makes it known, then she shares the responsibility.  But if I didn't know that X micromanaged the whole thing and assumed she was just the guest of honor, I'd give credit/judgment to the host, not her.

courtneyklv

My host has never been to a baby shower and is from another country..She is planning it but has asked me for advice since I am great at planning events. I sent her some links with different modern themes and also one on favors. (she didn't even know that people do co-ed showers here)  She just doesn't know any better and she appreciates that links with info I have sent.  I didn't say 'do this or that'  just gave her a lot of options to get her inspired.

 As long as the host if fine with it..then help if she needs it.

Etiquette schetiquette!!! 

Sascha3

Ivana.Stolichnaya:

I was invited to a brunch at a nice restaurant and then was told I owed the host $26 for my meal. I was shocked because I've never had to pay for my food at a party, nor was there any sort of warning in the Evite that I needed to have cash on me.

Do I think poorly towards the mom-to-be on this?  ...No.  I look down at the host, what she did was tacky and rude to assume that she didn't have to pay for the meals.  If you can't afford to throw a party for someone then don't throw one...but don't hit up the guests for money during the shower.

Actually, I remember your previous post about this.  Your story was one of the exact reasons I would be afraid to know nothing about my shower.  I would be mortified if guests that came to a party to honor me were asked to pay for their meals.