Husband's Toxic Ex-wife Vent (long)
I'm feeling about at the end of my rope. I married DH 8 months ago. We had a long distance relationship, so I met his DD and DS a couple of times, but not enough to really get to know them. Four months after we got married DH's ex wrote him a letter saying that she was moving across the country and taking both kids. If I followed the rule "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" I would never say anything about the ex. She's filthy, the kids were always dirty, DH sent me a picture of her house with a pile of dirty baby diapers on the kitchen floor along with a pile of trash on the floor, she lives off of the system, and hates my husband because he is actually involved in his kids lives. She has two other kids one older than the SK's and one younger, and has been able to succeed in getting their fathers out of their lives.
Anyway, Ex moved across the country, then moved again, then moved again, then moved back. All in THREE months!! During those moves we had to send SD to be with her and SS stayed with us (per an interim custody order). The last move was back to the area where we live. Without saying anything to DH. Ever since it has been utter he--. SS has attitude and ex wife thinks that the order is "null and void" now that she is back in town. The only good thing is that there is no CS, paid or received on either end. But this is how the ex makes her living, so she's been desperate. We are pretty sure she convinced SS (he's 13) to "run away" and tell the cops he doesn't feel safe at our house. DHHS was called and they found no reason to feel he was in danger. Tonight as I was writing this the cops showed up at the door because she called them to check on SS saying she was worried about him. SD tells her dad that she "hates" me because I'm "mean". DH and I actually have rules at our home, the ex does not. SS is 3 grade level BEHIND where he should be because he has not gotten the help he's needed in school for a long time. Plus he's been allowed to miss 40+ days of school every year. The ex has been called on for truancy before, but straightened out when threatened.
I've left out so much stuff, I would be able to write a book. I could go on and on, but she's really, totally horrid. Oh, I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant and she calls me the "fat f**king b**ch your father married" to the kids directly!! To be trivial, she's a whole lot bigger than me!! When she tried to pull one of her stunts and tell DH that she may not bring SS back to our house one weekend, DH told her that she wasn't taking him then. She turned and looked at SD who came with her and said "See, you father doesn't want to see you, he just like to fight we me" We have so much against her that part of me can't wait to go back to court. DH wants to fight for both of them, but part of me worries that it will get worse. She has the kids both so brain washed that they are just like little minions that do her bidding. With a brand new baby on the way, I don't know if I can do it..... HELP!!! PLEASE!!!!!
Re: Husband's Toxic Ex-wife Vent (long)
Ok, you are 6 1/2mos pg when you got married 8mos ago to a man whose kids you only met a few times? And you know how perfect of a father your DH is b/c he told you, right?
If what you say is true then what has he done to gain full custody with her only having supervised visitation?
I never said he was a perfect father. We have rules, cleanliness, structure, and love. We aren't perfect. Right now we are working with our lawyer. We have documented so much, gotten a lot of paper work from the schools and other law stuff, and we have SS in counseling. Right now the lawyer says to wait as long as we can before taking her back to court because she is doing stuff that only looks better for us.
SS is 13. SD is 11. SD is allowed to be with her because they mediated it out that way. Ex said she wanted to show that she could prove herself and get a job and have stability. SD and SS have such different personalities, it's hard to explain. SD does well in school and has a strong personality. SS needs a lot of help that ex has refused to get him.
I know how you feel. Although my DH's ex isn't THAT bad, but still.
What I have come to realize is that as a step mom there's nothing you can do about most of the problems. That's between your DH and his ex. In court you have no say in anything, and at home you can't really do anything without coming off mean.
It's super frusterating and I get it.
Sorry I don't have any real advice, I wish someone would post some because I need some too.
There really is no advice because there is nothing you can do at this point.
You can't change her, her filthy habits or her toxic ways.
You can only control your reactions to them.
She is a toxic person and your best bet is to learn to get on with your own life and stay out of her way and ignore her. Let your DH deal with all her bs and with his kids.
Honestly if you get involved you are only putting yourself in the firing line and taking on stress that is not yours to deal with.
YOU DID NOT CREATE THIS SITUATION AND IT IS NOT YOURS TO FIX.
You married a man who has a lot of drama in his life. You can jump on board and join the drama OR you can draw a line between you and it and decide to be happy in your own life.
It is not your business if her house is filthy - take care of your own. It is not your business if she lies to the kids about you - be nice and courtious to them as you would to anyone. It is not your business if she moves 10 times - let your DH go to court / mediation and take care of it. if she calls you fat or other names - smile and walk away, don't stoop to her level.
There is an essay online about disengaging while in a blended family. I recommend you read it and start to work on it before your baby is born.
Best of luck with your pregnancy.
I find this HORRID. This isn't about making things "look better" for you, or about making BM look bad, or about WINNING. It's about CHILDREN. If you truly feel that the environment (emotionally and physically) that BM has the children in is TOXIC, then you need to proceed and take her to court NOW. Do not allow these kids to continue to be raised this way, manipulated, and HARMED (that's what you claim BM is doing, harming them) any longer than is absolutely necessary.
I get what you are saying Jessy but you know that a case has to be rock solid before a judge will make a custody change.
I guess the attorney is giving BM some rope and allowing her to hang herself. Sucks in the interim but will help in the long run.
From personal experience, I feel I have to warn you. Here are things you should know.
1. As quickly as you can, develop a tough skin. You're going to need it.
2. Pre-teen and teenage children have already developed their pattern of thinking and behavior. She's raised them. They are going to challenge you for the rest of your life.
3. Getting custody does not magically fix them or make everything better. No amount of love or patience or stable home life will make them magically fall into line or fix their issues. Don't kid yourself into thinking good parenting will make these children happy. If you're lucky, they'll adapt and be fine, but it won't be without some real serious struggles.
4. Partner up with your husband now and discuss a parenting plan. Set your rules immediately. Stay consistent. Stay firm. Stay unified.
5. Set your own personal boundaries. These children and their mother are going to cross them every chance they get. Re-establish that line over and over again. Stay consistent. Stay firm. Stay unified with your husband.
6. Let your husband deal with the ex. She is HIS problem. Not yours. Do not get sucked into doing things for him, communicating with her for him. Advise him, discuss issues that affect your household and family, but do not do his dirty work for him. He married and had kids with her. Not you. Don't start, or you will forever be sucked into it.
7. Never speak ill of their mother in front of the kids. Ever. I know it will be hard - just set the example. They WILL see their mother for who she is eventually and all you have to do is be a good parent and lead by example. I promise this works. You just have to wait years and years for it.
8. The kids will hate you. Then like you. Then hate you. They'll be all over the board. It's okay. Be the bigger person, let it roll off your shoulders and keep to the parental role. You don't have to be best buds with them.
9. Have a good therapist on hand. I was in and out of therapy frequently when raising SD. It helped keep me sane. It was valuable to me to keep perspective on my situation and see what I was doing wrong in the relationship.
10. Communicate with your husband constantly. You two will need the strongest bond possible to get thru this. Work hard at the two of you, and your relationship. Put you two first, so that you both can be happy, but keep the kids in close second and be there for them.
Now, with that said, I was not perfect at many of that in my situation, but you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20? It's too late for me to change how I handled my relationship with SD, but if I can help someone else learn from my mistakes and realize things sooner than I did, then it's not all in vain.
Good luck. You are seriously going to need it. You have some tough years ahead. And if you need to vent, come here. You'll get great, supportive advice, and you'll surely get some criticism and harsh words but still try to look at the advice given, see if it applies and take the good from what they are saying and apply it.
another thing..
make a list of things you like to do, be it sitting in a coffee shop reading OK magazine, getting a pedicure or playing tennis, whatever, but when you start to get stressed and sick of the situation walk out and treat yourself to something you love to do.
For me over the years this has been a lifesaver. If I absolutely feel like I could strangle someone (DH) I simply walk out and do something I enjoy.
I had my hair washed and blow dried three times in one week a few weeks ago!
Phantom's idea is a really good thing. Don't sacrifice what you love to do over some crisis or drama going on with this family. I did that. Suffered for it. Took a lot to get it back in my life too. Make sure you have regular dates with your husband, you have your time with the girls, massages, pedi and mani's....whatever stress relievers that work for you...have them and keep them.
Thank you so much ladies!! I do have to work on creating a thick skin for myself. DH and I make sure that we don't bad mouth her in front of the kids. We make sure they aren't even able to overhear. DH deals with her, I don't talk to her. One issue we have been having lately is that she knows I'm home with SS in the evenings since DH works second shift, so she pulls stunts like last night. The cops knocked on the door at 8:45 saying she had called to say she was worried about SS. She just does this stuff randomly, plus she's tried to take him after soccer games, even though the school knows she isn't supposed to pick him up with expressed permission from DH.
One thing that DH and I do lack in is some unity. Unfortunately. SS has been able to play him like a fiddle, giving him sob stories when he gets home. DH is FINALLY seeing through it, but it's definitely taken a toll. To the point I've told DH, "If you are going to sit here and tell me all the things I do wrong and that you know better simply because he is "your son" then do this all by yourself" We are still working on working better as a team.
I feel like a scrooge sometimes. Example. I like to craft. SD seems to think that just because something is in the house it means she has free reign to use it. I've had to take all of my craft stuff and move it out to our shed where she can't go without us unlocking it. Temperature sensitive stuff is "hidden" in totes in DH and I's closet. I don't have a problem doing crafts with her, I actually love to, I just like monitoring what is being used because it's expensive!!! And to answer any questions, Yes, we buy her a TON of her own craft supplies. I think like any kid the adult stuff seems more inviting.
DH says that Ex is jealous. She's ten years older than me, no education, no career, no money, lives at her parents or in section 8 housing, no relationship, nothing to show for herself really. I try to remember this, but sometimes feel like it makes me feel better than her. Which I one hand I think it, but on another hand who am I to think this way?
Sorry, I got long winded, but it's nice to have an outlet somewhere with people who understand and can help me sort this all out. It's a bit like drowning sometimes.
Hi amber the thing about public forum boards is that you gets lots of different opinions from lots of different people.
1. I think it is exciting that she is 6 months pregnant and 8 months married.
2. I absolutely would drag an engagement out for two years to make sure I met his kids and that I was comfortable with the ENTIRE situation. There is no way in hell I would marry a man who had a child I only met 3 times.
3. I think the lawyers advice makes perfect sense.
The next 10 people to read this post will all have different opinions on each of these things.
SD would also not respect my personal belongings either. You have to make those rules clear - and you might want to even consider having a kit especially for her. I'd do that for SD. I'd pull anything out of my own supplies that I didn't mind her using and abusing and watch for things in stores, and collect fun supplies and made them available to her. And then sometimes for special school projects I'd let her use my supplies and then she's see that as an excuse to use anytime and all the time. Even after explaining these were my business tools and very expensive and to please put them back, treat them with care, etc. She didn't get it.
It's not cheap. I know. You're going to feel like a scrooge. Yes. But until they learn to respect your rules and personal things lock down and supplying her with own craft supplies is really your only option.
You and your husband are going to have to work thru things. One will fail the other in some way, but if you both re-group and say, "Okay. That didn't work." and learn from it and discuss how you handle things together in the future, you'll get in sync. It's a process.
You have a really, really tough situation ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck.
I went to the library and got a bunch of books about dealing with difficult people. Some are from counselors, some are of a religious view, some is just learning to let people not see their effect on you. I think I got a good selection that I will be able to take from and design something that works for me.
I know that their mother is playing a HUGE headgame with me. Without too many details, she's been doing things the last little while that she hopes will get a reaction from me. I've decided to beat her at her own game. The really crappy part is that she uses the kids as tools to accomplish this. I will not respond in any way that puts the kids in that position. But, I'm going to "kill her with kindness" in a way. Her and I don't communicate, but when DH drops of SD at the end of this weekend, there may just be some Apple Bread or Banana Bread that accompanies.......
I know that eventually she will get sick of trying to piss me off, if she doesn't get any reaction. The woman avoids work like people would avoid the plague. So, I'm going to make her work, knowing full well she'll give up.
I feel....vindictive (?)..... don't know if that's the right word. This is new for me because I try to treat people with respect, but she has proven that she doesn't deserve that and doesn't return it.
Found out this week that she also refers to me as "the fat basterd" and "marshmallow" to the kids, and encourages the kids to call me names too.
And what does your husband do about the name calling? He should put his foot down on that and make it 100% clear they are not to disrepsect you. DH had to do that with SD and SS several times. If he's not doing that - he should be.
I wouldn't even bother addressing BM. It's what she wants and unfortunately would achieve nothing.