Family Vent (rather long)

peapod418

Hi Ladies!

I must say - I think this is my first real "vent", but I knew you would understand.

I have a cousin, who I love very much, and she's a kind hearted person that deserves great things in life. Unfortunately, she is not able to have children. She learned this after an exhaustive few years with medical interventions to no avail. It's too bad because I think her and her husband would have made lovely parents. 

Fast forward a few years to now.

Last evening we were at a large family gathering where most people attending knew I am pregnant. I assumed that she had already been told by someone else in the family (my family is AMAZING, but they can gossip )  that me and my DH are expecting.

Anyhow, my Mom had sent her over to the table we were seated at (we were in a banquet hall), and she said "Your Mom said I'm supposed to look at you?".

Well, what my Mom meant was the wee bump I was sporting last night (it may have very well been bloating! haha, but regardless, I'm a petite person by nature so it does stand out).

So I gently said "Oh, she must have meant my belly...(DH) and I are going to have a baby." I said it with great kindness and sheepishness as I really didn't want to stir any emotions for her.

And after a forced hug (initiated by me), she said "Congratulations! Your life is over!" in the most gleefully sarcastic tone you can imagine. And then proceeded to go back to her table.

I know. This is so petty and I shouldn't really be bringing it up. She is family, after all. But the more I think about it, the more hurt I am.

I have been trying all day to put myself in her shoes and I honesty think that if that was me, I would have mustered something more than that snarky one-liner.

Phew. Sorry. That was long. I just...needed to get that out I guess.

I hope none of you have any egg-shells to walk on at your next family event!

xo 

 

jesbeth

That's pretty brutal. I would have no idea what to say to her or how to act around her. It makes me really sad to see anyone behave like that.

I can relate, unfortunately and it's led to cutting ties with two family members.

Beener0514

Going through infertility issues definitely brings out a beast in us that most of us want to keep hidden. I am by no means excusing what she said- she shouldn't have said that to you and should have been able to offer you a sincere congratulations. However, when I was going through my 18 months of TTC, I was a very bitter woman. I teach at the high school level and I would get jealous of the pregnant high school girls who would walk by my room. Logically, I knew that those girls probably did not want to be in that situation yet I couldn't help myself. Of course I didn't say anything to these women, and I think that's the difference with your cousin. She should have kept that thought to yourself.

peapod418

Beener0514:

Going through infertility issues definitely brings out a beast in us that most of us want to keep hidden. I am by no means excusing what she said- she shouldn't have said that to you and should have been able to offer you a sincere congratulations. However, when I was going through my 18 months of TTC, I was a very bitter woman. I teach at the high school level and I would get jealous of the pregnant high school girls who would walk by my room. Logically, I knew that those girls probably did not want to be in that situation yet I couldn't help myself. Of course I didn't say anything to these women, and I think that's the difference with your cousin. She should have kept that thought to yourself.

 

Thanks for your point of view, Beener. I do appreciate it. As I mentioned, I have really been trying to put myself in her shoes, but I still struggle to accept her comment. 

I know she has been through so much. I want her to be a part of babies life, but I don't know if she wants that.

We'll just take things as they come for now. And hope that she knows how much I love her!

 

Sunshine+Luv

I think you may have to just forgive her for this poor choice of things to say. I have not had to deal with infertility, so I cannot relate. I do imagine it is hard to see others get what you want so bad and cannot have for yourself.

My SIL barely mustered a congrats and left the room when we told. She then canceled lunch plans with us. Turns out she had a miscarriage last year and was told she is likely unable to bear children. Upon learning this, I instantly understood her strange reaction. Sometimes it is hard to process things and say the right thing.

I would not hold this against her. 

MamaBoden

I understand why she would say that. Still a little harsh though. Congrats though!

Ximena M

I can relate to how she is feeling.  I'm 6 1/2 years older than my middle sister and when she had her second baby, DH and I had been trying for six months w/o any luck.  It was very painful for me, but I did my best to hide it and be happy for her.  It took more than a year after that for me to get pregnant.  It didn't help that she was the one that gave me the most pressure to get pregnant.  I would come close to crying after family events because it was just painful to see all new babies around. 

I think once your cousin sees the baby things will smooth out. I'm sure she feels bad for how she reacted.  Your mom put you on the spot having to tell  her like that.  Maybe give her sometime and call her later to talk about it.

peapod418

Thanks for helping me to put things in perspective, ladies. You're all so great!

 

marriedsisterofbride

I am very sorry that your cousin said that to you. I was ttc for 6 years, have been pregnant 2 times before this pregnancy and the first two were horrible, ended in miscarriage and a forced abortion basically after finding out the embryo was in my right fallopian tube. I know all about the ugly monster fertility or shall I say infertility can create. I have left one too many baby showers in tears before the mother to be has arrived and refused to go to them since. Thankfully, I am having a good pregnancy so far with this little bean so saying that I can say that I know what it is like on both sides. By no means do you have to accept what your cousin said to you but it may benefit you just to let it slide. It wasn't nice but it may just have been a way to shield her own feelings.

snoangel79

Her comment wasn't nice at all! I am one of those girls who has struggled with infertility (got pregnant only with the help of donor eggs). I never thought I'd be a mom! I would never say that to someone! I would just say Congrats I'm happy for you and excuse myself to go back to my table. I don't know why your mom told her to go ask you about your surprise especially if she knows what your cousin has gone through ( I don't think that was very nice either). I'm sorry she said that!

countdowntolockdown

DH got a similar reaction from his sister when we broke the news. She didn't say 'Your life is over' but her response was very forced.  She had a hysterectomy shortly after our wedding last December.  I feel awful that she cannot have children, but she's marrying a man with two lovely daughters and she has been in their lives for about 4 years.

For me it's even harder to turn the other cheek because she had a similar reaction when my DH told her we were getting married. DH is her little brother and only sibling and I guess she wanted to get married first.

Fast forward 2 years and now the same reaction.  I try not to take it personally.  You shouldn't either. 

peapod418

countdowntolockdown:

DH got a similar reaction from his sister when we broke the news. She didn't say 'Your life is over' but her response was very forced.  She had a hysterectomy shortly after our wedding last December.  I feel awful that she cannot have children, but she's marrying a man with two lovely daughters and she has been in their lives for about 4 years.

For me it's even harder to turn the other cheek because she had a similar reaction when my DH told her we were getting married. DH is her little brother and only sibling and I guess she wanted to get married first.

Fast forward 2 years and now the same reaction.  I try not to take it personally.  You shouldn't either. 

Thanks It is difficult to not take it personally. I'm an emotional button when NOT pregnant, so it's quite amplified now!

But, I am trying...and after dwelling on it all day and getting some perspective from fellow bumpies, I am feeling more understanding of her comment.